I almost hate that my daughter loves me so damn much. She makes it so hard for me to leave this world. I’m sure many people read that as a positive thing, but really it’s torture. I often spend so much effort just trying not to resent her for it.
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I relate. My two little ones are the only reason I’m hanging on. I’m conflicted. I want to stay for them, but at the same time don’t feel I’m a good role model for them anyway. Sooo, what to do? Stay or go? They don’t live with me, they’re with their Dad and his gf. So they at least have a female role model in her – one who is much more successful in life than I am.
The worst part is I know it would devistate her, and it’s something that would change who she is forever… and really how could it not. I can’t bear to hurt her in that way. She deserves better. She deserves a chance at a happy life, unlike me.
I’ve been up front with her about my depression and levelled with her recently that I can’t stop myself from being sad. I hope she never experiences anything like it.
Mine are still too young to be honest with like that. So I have to put on a happy face when I’m with them. I get what you say when you say it would change who she is forever. I have thought about that.
I just found some of my things from when I was at school, age around 6-8. I loved writing stories. Always about animals. And drawing – always animals. I feel so sad for that little girl, so full of hope, not even realising what the future held. My daughter is so much like that. It might seem weird, but I feel like the little girl I used to be has died. I don’t want my daughter to turn out the same way and I am scared she will, with me as her Mother.
I can almost guarantee she will with you as her mother. She’ll be forced to confront hard questions and things she doesn’t understand. She will live her live terrified that she’s suicidal too and it will occupy her mind so much that she’ll make it an inevitable reality.
I guess it’s for the best that she stays distant from me then.
Maybe for now, but hopefully things will change. She’ll get older and you’ll be able to engage with her on levels that are kind of awesome. Mine is 10 now and I can have genuine conversations with her about real topics. Really, it’s only when she’s around that I’m happy at all.
Case in point, this is first night on this board in 4 days because she’s with me right now.
That is great you can have all those conversations with her. Maybe I am underestimating my daughter, who is 9. I do talk about lots of things with her, but I still feel I shield her alot.