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My Life

by Ylem

Is this thing I’m living even worth calling a life?

Where the fuck is this thing going?

Where do I see myself 10 years?

I see myself a depressed fucked up doctor slaving it out for my family that I love so very much, and still floating around in this world not even connected with my own body, just to keep them happy.

When the fuck am I going to do something for me?

What do I want for me?

I WANT TO DIE!!

That’s what I want for myself. I don’t want this thing called life anymore. It serves no purpose for me. I find no joy whatsoever in being alive. I don’t even feel alive, and I haven’t felt alive for years. I should have died years ago. Things would be so much better if I had ended this fuss of a thing when I had the chance.

I sound like a fucking broken record here. I’ve been saying this over and over again. But I’m still saying anyways. This is how I feel every single day of my fucking existence. I feel TRAPPED. I feel STUCK. I’m not alive for me. I’m alive for the people around me.

How I hate it. I hate it so much.

When will I be free of this pain?

I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I can barely recognize the person I see looking back at me in the mirror. I hate my life. I hate living. I hate breathing. I hate moving. I hate waking up every fucking day just to go through this same damn thing over and over again. I HATE IT.

Can I just die already? Please, someone just kill me now.

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11 comments

muspelhem 3/13/2016 - 1:31 pm

Hey Ylem31

Can I say something? You’re working towards becoming a doctor. That is objectively a hell of a lot better than a lot of other things you could be doing with your life. It is a well-paying job where you make a really important difference for other people and society. It has a high barrier to entry, so apart from automation, which potentially threatens all jobs, it’s a secure field to work in.

But if those things don’t make you happy, then you have to figure out what does make you happy, and pursue it.

Your choice is simple: you can either choose to do what you think will please other people, or you can do what you know will please you.

If you choose the latter, I am sure it will be the best deal for other people too, in the long run. Martyrs are such a drag.

DarkTide 3/13/2016 - 2:29 pm

I understand those words all to well. 2 years ago I did a similar thing of living for others, I was happy of thoughts but I didnt do anything for myself. I was sapping myself to the bone. There has to be something for you so you dont run dry.

Ylem31 3/13/2016 - 6:46 pm

The only thing I want for myself is to die. The doctor thing is for me as well, but it’s not enough to keep me here. Not reason enough for me to want to stay alive. It’s life that I hate. It’s this fucked up world that I hate. It’s cruel.

On my call, I spoke with a patient, 14 year old guy who is epileptic. He ran away from home because he was being abused by his stepmother and now, he’s living on the streets. I almost cried right in front of him.
A guy I know killed his girlfriend with a machete to the head yesterday and ran away. Left her rotting in her room.
I hate this world.

Drowning 3/13/2016 - 3:30 pm

Hay Ylem how’s up

Ylem31 3/13/2016 - 6:38 pm

Hey D. Just the usual. Pain. Day 11 of not cutting. What do you know? I might just keep this thing up.
Or maybe not. I need the release so bad. I don’t know why I’ve not done it already.
It hurts my family to know I self-harm. Tried to explain it to them, only made them cry even more. I scared the shit out of my cousin. He’s not one to get scared but he actually was. Heart was pounding and all. Got my 26 year old male cousin in tears. No one will ever get the kind of fucked up that I am. Now I’m back to pretending I’m fine all over again while secretly weeping alone. I thought having them know the truth will relieve the pressure a bit. It hasn’t. It has put more pressure on me in fact. Oh hell….

Drowning 3/13/2016 - 6:41 pm

Day 11 with out cutting that awesome sorry to hear about making your cuz cry tho if u can try find another release if u can 🙂

Moneypenny 3/13/2016 - 6:42 pm

Day 11 is great.
Fight-o
I am distracted today but I am glad for you

Ylem31 3/13/2016 - 6:49 pm

I’ll make it 12, then 13….and soon, I won’t even be counting anymore. 🙂
I take walks when its dark. Not safe but I do it anyway. Only way I can breathe.

Drowning 3/13/2016 - 7:08 pm

Taking walks is better then cutin so that’s gd well done

Ylem31 3/13/2016 - 6:30 pm

@Muspelhem….Growing up, becoming a doctor is all I ever wanted to be. I worked my arse off to make sure I got into medical school. Even back then I still wanted to off myself. I tried to even. First year of medical school I tried to gut myself.
It is all I ever wanted to be. All I want to be. But I’m still not fulfilled with life. I’m doing medicine for me more than for my family. But, because of this career that I chose and the fucked up society that I grew up in, my brother was killed. The one person who showed me meaning to life. Now I don’t see a reason to life.

I want nothing more in this world than to have this degree by the end of this year. But, obtaining this degree is keeping me from killing myself because it has become all my family is holding onto. So much pressure on me. I want to die as in yesterday, but I can’t because I will be giving the fuckers who killed my brother exactly what they want, and I will leave my family flat broke. They have spent so much money on me they need to get something out of it.

I’m not sure if what I’m saying here makes sense. I hate being alive. Working towards being a doctor doesn’t even make me want to stay. Becoming a doctor in the end will still not make me want to stay here. I hate this world.

I guess my head is just fucked up. I don’t feel alive. Never have. Or maybe I did but I just don’t remember what it felt like to be alive. I’m keeping myself alive to keep the people around me happy. If not for them, I wouldn’t give a damn about this degree and end it already, because I know nothing will ever make me happy enough to make me want to stay alive in a world so fucked up.

muspelhem 3/14/2016 - 4:03 pm

Thanks for explaining. I’ll need to think about that.

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