This starts from where I left off, I will try to be brief. I especially don’t like to dwell on this, though I often don’t have much of a choice.
I got chlamydia from a guy. I tried to be safe, but I won’t go into those details.
I suffer from urethritis, which isn’t contagious. It just means I still experience irritation daily, but not all the time.
I don’t know how much of this is his fault. I didn’t hear this from him, but I was told by his ex that he was sexually abused as a child. Then he got kicked out during the time I had known him. I had gotten kicked out at varying points too. It’s just a fact that more gay people experience homelessness, sexual abuse, and suicide.
I remember my father saying “so youre going to become another statistic” at some point regarding depression and suicide. How easy it is to make a symptom into the cause itself. As if I just decide to be depressed, and being denied a stable environment (or a home at all) shouldn’t be depressing.
My father also said “well you weren’t HOMELESS homeless”. I get a kick out of that. If they don’t recognize how hurtful it is to have no place to go, with no rhyme or reason for why this is happening, then they don’t deserve a son. Now that Ive become more established, I see they’re trying to smooth things over.
For better or worse, I can’t move on, because this pain won’t leave me. I can put on a good face when I can, but when the pain comes, it still has significance to me.
If this pain doesn’t go away, I WILL hold my parents responsible for what happens to me. I knew something bad was going to happen- I called it. The abuse continued. It wasnt sexual or normally physical, but it’s given me a different outlook. I feel like an oddity, and I’d like to speak more on that on a later post.
Mainly, I don’t feel a depression that is vulnerable or insecure. I feel resentment. I feel like my death would have a reason. And no, I never wanted to be a statistic, but up until this point, I never had a say, and I have been a statistic nontheless.