Hello everyone, new to this. Never written in a forum, except for the SW forum on Reddit last week. Basically Im in deep shit due to my denial and stubbornness. I am way too disappointed in my self to forgive myself. I have hurt myself and in the process people that have cared for me.
I just feel I have reached my patience with myself, feel like I cant do it anymore. I cant commit suicide because that would actually mean giving my family the last fuck you. Least I can do is be here for when the shit unravels, and try to take it like a man. Cant fuck my family anymore, nor people who care for me.
The problem is I am a fucking zombie right now. Been researching so many suicide methods, I laugh at the knowledge I have gathered about killing oneself, like I cant believe I am in this situation.
So wanting to do it, but not wanting to hurt loved ones even more. Fantasized with making it look like an accident, sounded like a perfect escape, but honestly scared of that, because all ways out like that seem so painful, also not easy to plan at all.
So, just wanted to say hi, would appreciate any comment.