It’s about that time again – you know, when depression rears its ugly head and you start researching extensively on the internet for exit strategies… Drunk on a saturday and feeling like I can’t escape. Of course I feel awful about leaving my family but really this cannot go on… The suffering and inability to function within society – like a puzzle piece that can’t fit in. I am so fucking tired of being gay which is essentially a death sentence or at least a life long curse of loneliness and harassment.
Normally I try to write better, wax some sort of whining poetic about romanticized suicidal tendencies. But I am a little too fucked up to care and all I can think of is how I wish I could just buy some more vicodin and find a way to slip away- the self loathing is just too strong and I know I’m not built for this world, that I’m too weak to survive in this dog eat dog society.
Fuck this rat race hell. Fuck the slavery of capitalism. Fuck the endless suffering. I am so tired so fed up with all of this nonsense! I’m tired of feeling like I am slowly disappearing and just waiting to die. I am tired of working 50 hours weeks to only be called a failure by my boss. I am tired most of all of being misunderstood. Because this mental health thing doesn’t mean I’m lazy or stupid! All it means is I was genetically predisposed to this torture, just like my great grandmother when she held a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger.
Epilepsy and suicide go hand in hand. In fact you are more likely to die from suicide if you have epilepsy than from the actual seizures. But I feel like in my own experience… The cognitive decline, the lifelong struggle, the uncertainty of whether you will lose unconscious at any given moment — who wouldn’t want to die? At the end of the day it can even be viewed as logical or rational. If you have a painful mole you get it removed? If you have a painful relationship you break up? So why is death not an appropriate answer to a painful past and a tortuous future?!
Clearly I am wrong – this is not rational. And SP is a way to map my decline, as the years turn and the death wish grows stronger. I am sorry for my anger. But it is only a reaction to my thoughts and this endless frustration. I wake up and I imagine myself jumping in front of trains everyday when I commute to work. I imagine myself ordering drugs from the dark web and intentially overdosing. I imagine my death a million times, in a thousand different ways, but eight attempts later I am still here, a failure, basically a zombie. I should not be alive and do not deserve to live. I don’t enjoy life, I certainly don’t take advantage of it. So why wait to die? The fact that it gets better may be the biggest lie. Things fall apart. Life falls apart. It has only gotten worse for me.
I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. I can’t bear to hurt my family again but I can’t keep going through the motions. Wake up, suicide thoughts, train, suiciee thoughts, work, suicide thoughts, coffee break, suicide thoughts, lunch, suicide thoughts, etc.. It never ends!
I am tired and so close to the edge. My thoughts scare me. I have nowhere to turn. I want the courage to die but I wish I had the courage to live. Above all I wish I was happy. I wish I wasn’t so sad all the time. I wish I could enjoy life.
2 comments
I get what you feel about being an outcast and not wanting to live or even feeling deserving of life. It can feel horribly isolating. I also often feel like I wasn’t made of the right stuff to survive. I don’t have epilepsy so I can’t know what that’s like, but you’re really brave to have made it this far even if it feels totally miserable. You hung on this long and that alone is enough.
To be honest I don’t feel like I deserve life either so I don’t know how to give out advice, but maybe we don’t have to really feel we deserve life to live it. If you got a promotion at work (bad example i know but I mean generally some privilege), you’d probably take it even if you thought you didn’t deserve it as much as someone else might. you deserve that chance as much as anyone else and even if it doesn’t seem worth it, at least you have been trying.
About being gay, yeah, that’s rough too. society is shitty. I hope you don’t always feel lonely though and that you have people who love and support you.
I know you say your future will be torturous and I don’t know you or your life, but even as death eliminates the chance of it being torturous, it also eliminates the chance of it pleasantly surprising you.
If feasible in your situation, you could consider talking to a counselor (if you aren’t already, that is). For me at least it’s nice to be able to spill to someone who isn’t judgmental, especially since I can’t talk to anyone else about a lot of stuff.
I think you’re dealing with conflicting desires: you want to die but also want to live and enjoy life. You can do some soul-searching and figure out exactly what you want and how to achieve it.
You say you’re “tired most of all of being misunderstood.” I know the feeling. 90% of the time I just adopt an ‘oh well’ attitude. As far as I know, nothing in life matters anyway being that we’re all destined to die and lose everything we know and have.
“So why wait to die? The fact that it gets better may be the biggest lie. Things fall apart. Life falls apart. It has only gotten worse for me.”
The way I see it, people including you and me, fear death. We fear losing the pleasures, comforts, and things we have come to appreciate during our time on Earth so far. After we’re dead, it’s possible we’ll cease to exist. We’ll lose our identity, memories, and self. Possibly… So we try to make our human experience last as long as it can, even though it’s futile.
You also said you were tired of being gay. This is just a sexual preference. A lot of people use shallow labels such as gay and straight to categorize and stereotype people without first getting to know them. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. It’s what makes you unique and not just another clone.
“I can’t bear to hurt my family again but I can’t keep going through the motions.” Well, you can either spare their feelings and keep living in misery, or rationalize and intellectualize hurting them. This is your life. Nobody is really pressuring you to do anything you don’t want to do. Nobody has the authority to judge what you do with your life or how you live it. Remember that.