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PAIN IS ALL I DESIRE

by Ylem

This is Ylem the Masochist speaking. And no… Not in a sexual way…

I want to strangle myself until I’m blue. Deprive myself of oxygen. That is just the beginning.

I need a whip. Scourge myself to the brink of dead. See flesh peeling off and blood pouring. Beat myself up like a fucking animal that I am.

I want to cut open my veins and watch the blood pour out. Feel dizzy and drained from all the blood loss.

I’m not done.

Bang myself against the wall until I have a concussion and collapse.

To top it all of. Plunge a knife in my gut and hold my intestines in my hands.

Stab my throat straight through the carotid and watch the blood spurt out.

All I want is to feel pain. Physical pain would be so much better than the emotional turmoil.

I fucking hate people. I hate the entire fucking human race, including myself. I think I hate myself more.

I deserve nothing but pain. I deserve to suffer.

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63 comments

Mr Angry-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 11:52 am

You dont deserve to suffer you just crave it badly. And hey

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 12:08 pm

Hey Mr Angry. Funny how I’ve been thinking about you all day today. I missed you.

As for the pain, I do deserve it. For all the horrible things I think about every day. I deserve to suffer for every last one of my sins. I need to be punished. I might punish myself tonight. I just need to figure out which took to use.

Mr Angry-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 12:14 pm

No you dont deserve it ylem we all have thoughts, i cant stop thinking of fucked up deadly twisted evil cruel bad bloody things. It doesn’t mean your a bad person ylem, and it doesn’t mean you deserve bad things. Yoi just like them πŸ™‚

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 12:32 pm

I’m one suicidal attempt that’ll fail away from acting out on my horrible thoughts. If what I have planned for this weekend doesn’t work and I find myself still in this fucked up world, I’m going to do some very terrible things to myself.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 12:08 pm

Hey Ylem….glad to see you’re still around. Sorry you are in such a state. I always think of wild lions when I see your name.

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 12:29 pm

Wild lions coz I’m im Africa?

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 12:50 pm

Yup. I’m fairly transparent that way.

deadmanliving 3/29/2016 - 12:22 pm

You dont deserve pain or death im also glad you’re still here.

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 12:30 pm

Thanks zombie man. I’m not sure I’ll be here for long though. My days are numbered.

deadmanliving 3/29/2016 - 12:35 pm

All of our days are numbered lets hope yours has a much higher number count than you think

Mr Angry-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 12:36 pm

Aww please dont say that it makes me so sadd………..

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:33 pm

I don’t mean to make you sad Mr Angry. But soon, I’ll be gone. I can’t take this shit any longer.

Zombie man…. I know how many days I have left. 4 days. I’ll make the most of these last moments I have left.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:37 pm

Okay I can accept it, but just know you literally bring tears to my eyes when i think that…. I feel lile I can really connect with you ylem….

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:38 pm

And im mr sad now….

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 1:43 pm

I’d rather be ms. Mad than ms. Sad. Today I’m ms. Rad. B-D

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:44 pm

Mr Sad, don’t cry, please. As much as I enjoy hurting myself, I don’t like hurting others. *Here a tissue. Wipe those tears away. Soon, I’ll be at peace. The connection is mutual. Hopeful it will be there even beyond the grave.

deadmanliving 3/29/2016 - 1:47 pm

Im sending you all the love in the world. Just so you know no method is absolute if it were id have to really be a zombie man to type this comment.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:47 pm

You better believe its mutual…

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 2:06 pm

Zombie man… All the love in the world? Just for me? I feel so special. But you shouldn’t. I’m not that special to deserve all the love in the world. Hate and pain maybe. Oh, and I know. This is the last time I’m trying. If I don’t succeed, I’ll ride this thing out until old age kicks me down.

Drowning 3/29/2016 - 12:54 pm

Hay no u don’t deserve any pain at all

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:37 pm

D, I deserve it, and I’ll embrace it. I deserve the most gruesome death, and that’s exactly what I plan to get. Fuck the people who will be left to pick up my pieces. It’ll be messy. And I won’t have an open casket, unless the want to see the dissected pieces of me.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 12:56 pm

Yeah dont deserve just want big diff

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:46 pm

I want it, I need it and I deserve it. And I’ll be getting it soon.

dividebyzero 3/29/2016 - 1:16 pm

Agreed, you don’t deserve pain. Everyone thinks horrible thoughts. I know the feeling of wanting to hurt yourself physically, though. It kind of drowns out the emotional pain. Like if you bang your knee when you have a headache and all of a sudden the headache goes away because all you feel is your knee.

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:41 pm

Undefined…. I do. I’ve hurt myself so many times to numb the pain, but the pain is always there. I’ll take a permanent route to shutting the pain up for good. I’ll be screaming in agonising pain in my last moments, and that’s exactly what I deserve.

dividebyzero 3/29/2016 - 2:02 pm

The pain is always there, but it’s not your fault. It’s the mental illness. If someone has arthritis, would you blame them for feeling pain in their joints? It’s the same for mental illness and bad thoughts.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:23 pm

Ylemy where u at?

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:39 pm

I’m right here. I didn’t realize. You’ve changed your name to Mr Sad. I’m also very sad. I miss my Nutty. He’s probably gone. If he is, I’ll be joining him pretty soon.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:42 pm

Ill really miss you ylem…

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:48 pm

I’ll miss you too Mr Sad. Hopefully, I’ll succeed. Pray that I do. I don’t want to open my eyes and see this shitty world yet again.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:53 pm

Yes i hope so. But you upset me, make me want to go…. but thats okay. Its okay. I understand. I think. I… Accept you… in this life and the next.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 1:42 pm

There is absolutely no evidence he went anywhere but off line for a while.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:44 pm

Really, are you sure about that. Have you seen the posts…. he said it was his last night. And we can stay hopeful but it bright

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 1:44 pm

*it isnt bright

ToTrees 3/29/2016 - 1:51 pm

<—- Evil eye see's all

I'm with HDS on Nutty-Go-Bye-Bye thing.

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 2:03 pm

Mr ToTrees… Nice to see you are still among the living.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 2:22 pm

Absolutely sure. I won’t believe it unless I see an obit. Period.

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 1:55 pm

HDS… I know. If he doesn’t show up in these 4 days I have left, I’m so gone. If he returns, tell him he was in my thoughts…

ToTrees 3/29/2016 - 2:21 pm

Hi Ylem, I don’t want you to go. Especially over Nut-Face, ???? We here can choose to be involved or not with others. In the world outside of here we walk that long road, and learn not to feel the pain of others and what they inflect on others. we only have ourselves, and you don’t need pain to feel again. cuz your pain on the outside will only prove to others they control you. Whats in your heart is what you feel, its your choice to show it to others.

When you have to show feelings to others because they demand it or guilt it from you choose what you show them!!! And remember that only you know whats inside You.

I was Told that Jesus was was a man that showed the world how he felt and taught people how to truly know their hearts. And they killed him for it. Do do them the favor of hurting yourself or death by your hand.

Well I’m getting another MRI right now, they called me bye for now.

ToTrees 3/29/2016 - 2:23 pm

* do not

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 2:24 pm

Please let me know how it goes totrees?

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 2:34 pm

You are going to kill yourself if sportsnut doesn’t come back? This is making absolutely no sense. Unless something was happening that I missed you are way more important in this world to many of us including me to end ot because one guy may or may not have done something to himself. Someone who may just be off line for a zillion reasons none of them having anything to do with what he threatened to do. Unless u see an obit I’m assuming he’s fine and I’d advise everyone here to do the same.

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 2:35 pm

What is wrong with everyone. Why does everyone assume people are dead?

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 2:39 pm

HDS If thats what ylem has decided than fine maybe she has her reasons, i guess I wont try and chage it anymore…

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 3:22 pm

Sorry Mr. I don’t agree. Its like SP jumped the shark or something in the last two weeks.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 3:25 pm

I just dont want to cause someone more pain

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 2:11 pm

Ylem even though it will hurt to see you go, i do hope with all my heart that if its truly what you want than you succeed 100% because even if it hurts for you to go it would hurt more to see you stay in such pain.

Drowning 3/29/2016 - 2:17 pm

Lem that did make me laugh I just had this image from a film ( saw ) when this man saws though he’s own leg ( dissected pieces ) but no you don’t deserve that Lem at all I no we been though a lot and it’s hard why do we keep fighting I guess we freak the Unknown maybe

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 2:39 pm

Funny enough D, I love Saw, and I love the scene you just mentioned. You just gave me an idea. Maybe I should build one of the Saw traps that I can’t escape from. I’d have to have some engineering skills and that might take me a few years. Say yes to this cause it will keep me here a little while longer.
Kidding. I can’t take another minute of this shit.
I don’t want April to come. April is the most painful month of the year for me. The month my brother was born, and the month he was killed 5 days after his 30th birthday because of me. If someone can magically make April be skipped this year, or maybe put me in a medically induced coma for that whole month and wake me up once it’s passed, I’ll stay. I’m going to break in April and I might end up in a psych ward.
I don’t want April to come. I don’t want to feel the sting of April. FUCK APRIL!!!

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 2:42 pm

I can feel your pain ylem…

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 2:49 pm

Truth be told people of SP, I’m terrified of April. I don’t want to be around for April to remind me of every horrible thing that happened. I can’t believe it’s almost a year already.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 2:52 pm

I hated xmas coming up, it was when i nearly ended thinking of a shitty new year…. than my birthday in February… i hated that as, one of the worst days in my life was my birthday

Drowning 3/29/2016 - 3:28 pm

Sorry to hear that Lem may is my bad month of the year

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 2:53 pm

HDS…. I feel like my mother just knocked some sense into me with that comment.

Truthfully, it’s not because of Nutty. April is the problem. I’m anticipating a breakdown that will land me in a psych hospital. I’d rather not put myself through that and just be gone for good already, instead of staying here, suffering.

Mr Sad-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 2:55 pm

I do agree… i just hope you make the right decision and find peace and happiness… *sniffles…

mindlessgamer619 3/29/2016 - 3:26 pm

Everyone’s tryna off themselves in April for some reason.. Don’t leave me… I just found my twin… πŸ™
You know I love ya right? *hugs*

Hazy Day Sunflower 3/29/2016 - 3:29 pm

It’s not even April yet.

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 3:58 pm

But April’s right around the corner. But, I’ll try to make it through it.

mindlessgamer619 3/29/2016 - 3:49 pm

I know. But it’ll come in the blink of an eye…

Ylem31 3/29/2016 - 4:01 pm

I’ve decided, I’m not going anywhere my twin. Love you too, Gamer. D and Mr Angry promised to keep me together over the month of April. I might make it through this entire year after all. πŸ™‚ You guys are the best.

Mr Angry-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 4:02 pm

You bet your going to πŸ™‚

whitetiger 3/29/2016 - 4:07 pm

I’m glad to hear this. I’ll help keep you together too, k? if you want. April is a sucky month, but we can survive it.

Mr Angry-mosta tha time 3/29/2016 - 4:09 pm

Yeah it seems like the worst month ever and for everyone

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