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Sad and Mad

by MaybeElena

Those are the only two emotions I feel anymore..

When I’m mad I turn into a monster, and feel like I have zero control over myself. This rage is like a hurricane destroying everything, and everyone in my way.

When I’m sad I cry about every little thing, and I mean EVERYTHING.. Someone looks at me the wrong way, and I start tearing up. Something very minor happens in a T.V show, I start balling my eyes out.

My mother is always saying that I need to get out of this “funk” I’m in. What she doesn’t realize is that I honestly cannot remember a time where I was truly happy, and weed/alcohol was not involved. Don’t you think if I could magically flip a switch and be happy I would have by now?

Sometimes this sadness consumes me, and all I can do is think about death.

How peaceful it must be to just not exist anymore.

My mother says it’s a cowards way out, I guess I take after my father.

 

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Hazy Day Sunflower 4/1/2016 - 12:10 am

Your mom needs to stop getting advice out of a cookie jar.

How are you tonight? Sounds like you have ON and OFF and nothing in between. Rough. My mother has her entire life remained in denial about my mental illness. Even when I was loaded with 2500 mg of depakote daily and a side cocktail of klonopin she still thought it was just a phase.

Sure mom, they give this to women who are in a funk or a phase. Fucksakes right?

Have you gone for counseling? You sound pretty young, not sure why since you didn’t post much about yourself.

Did you father kill himself? Is that why you said you take after your father?

MaybeElena 4/1/2016 - 1:03 am

I’m not doing very well, but thank you for asking.
Oh, my mother is the type that will not listen to any voice but hers. She is always right.. even when she’s not. I used to go to therapy for my anger issues, but that was when I was about 11. Also, I’m really worried they’re just going to give me pills that will have me make me feel like a robot or sleep all the time. (I’m 19 going on 20)
Yea, my father OD’d almost 4 years ago. That really messed me up, more than I already was.

mysteriousvisitor 4/1/2016 - 11:15 am

Are you in the U.S.? Because you don’t have to agree to take pills. And only psychiatrists and medical doctors can prescribe. Counselors and psychologists provide therapy.

mysteriousvisitor 4/1/2016 - 11:13 am

“…getting advice from a cookie jar.” Good one!

MaybeElena 4/1/2016 - 12:01 pm

I am in the U.S, I never knew that they couldn’t make you. Thanks for that, I may have to try going back to some sort of counseling.

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