It’s been years since I was suicidal- and when I mean suicidal- I will do it, not just think about it. I’ve always been sad or depressed, and have always thought of death. But this is different. When you come to a point when you’re completely broken, you’ve lost everything, when you can’t even take a good breath of air bc your lungs and your body is so fucked up. When you’ve got nothing but a future of struggles and pain and torment waiting for you. When you’ve got NO ONE in your life- except for some nameless faceless people on the internet who are the only ones who will talk to you. When your life is meaningless, and when no one IRL gives a fuck about you.
If I wasn’t so physically sick, I could manage life better. But I am sick. And getting sicker every year. And I’ve got no one to help me. Everything is a struggle. Daily chores are a struggle. Dying slowly is torturous. If I was struck by lightning and was killed instantly, that would be mercy. Why give me life only to torture me?
30 comments
Sorry to hear that my friend
I’m sorry..I love you..I understand
Sometimes I wish I knew some of you in real life. That way we wouldn’t be nameless and faceless and we wouldn’t feel so alone. I love coming here, but nothing is like physical closeness with people.
ya I feel the same way
At first I wanted to agree, but then I realized I would be downright frightened if any of you showed up in real life.
At least in cyberspace you can’t see me struggling to move around. I would be horribly embarrassed if you saw the canes, the leg braces, the wheelchair/walker… the way some days I can hardly move at all.
I’d worry you would think less of me, or become disgusted or revolted.
Even if that’s maybe not true of you personally, it’s still something that scares me.
That’s why it makes me panic when people joke about knowing where I live.
It’s a frightening thing.
I need to be anonymous, or I’d have to leave.
Well Cordless…. if none of those things happened. (disgusted or revolted) IRL. Would you think less of me? And leave cuz I’m not like those you fear.
Right. It’s both. Most people on here I would never want to meet or know offline. Some might be creepy. And there’s a few on here that I might get along with IRL. I can totally see your point Cordless, but on the other hand, there’s nothing quite like having a few real, close friends who see you for who you really are, warts and all, and yet they’re your friends anyway. People who know you, and yet still want to be around you. People who you can share everything with. People that you don’t have to constantly hide who you really are with. That’s hard to do in IRL. Heck, it’s even hard to do online. Some things I can’t even say online here.
Anyway, I’m sure I fell off a tangent somewhere. I wish I had at least 2 close real friends and a sig. other IRL with whom I can share everything with. That’s all I need. But since we aren’t able to get that IRL, we get this virtual environment here. I’m not sure how “close” you get with people online here, but I find it lacking, bc it’s online and we don’t know jack about anyone who’s really behind that SN or thumbnail pic.
Heck, you don’t know if SN “x, y, z” is a serial killer, or Hannibal, or a 12yo kid who is pretending to be a 47yo mother. I mean, you don’t know. And yeah, I think it’s possible there really are stalkers on here. And every other online site.
I do have some friends IRL who see the vast majority of my issues and still seem to be ok with it.
I just… would rather you guys didn’t know all the ugly stuff.
Yes you are right… You never know..
For all we know Cordless (not that I think that), but you could be a healthy able-bodied white male serial killer (think Dexter or Hannibal), who pretends he’s a disabled little lady to disarm people into letting their guards down. You start chattin’ with some people, exchange emails, you tell a few people to meet you IRL, and bam! They wind up as shish-kabob as you roast them in a spit-fire in the middle of the woods, rub some garlic on them, no one will know.
Aww, I wish I had people IRL who are real friends to me. Everybody I know here is “fake”
@bah: Well… I DO love garlic….
Seriously though, I get what you’re saying.
Nobody knows anything.
I really am the person I describe, though… and I swear all the avatar faces I’ve used really are me.
Well, they are fake bc they don’t care. Only pretend to so they don’t look like the bad guy. And also in case they ever need anything from you.
and not the people you’ve axe murdered? lol jk
But you’re also right. The more I “know” someone, either here on SP or elsewhere, the more I *don’t* want to meet them IRL. I find most people either creepy or highly annoying. I have an extremely low tolerance for humans. Hence, me here on this site.
I could never think less of you because of that.
Honestly, I would take the chance at someone being a Hannibal. It would break the monotony.
well it *would* satisfy some of our death wishes, won’t it? as long as Hannibal does it quick and painlessly. Like the episode where he injected something into the guys neck, and bammo, done.
One has cared so much to give himself for our security and life that we as humans dint believe in that love and rebuke it (normal social behavior)
I would love to meet all of you.
even me?
Even you,
hugs mate
ToTrees,
i think that would be a good idea? you all can meet me at my place! tell me in advance so i can order the hospital beds, wheel chairs, and toughs hospitals gowns that make you more naked than if you were naked. oh lets not forget basket weaving supplies. can you think of anything else i left out?
@rocketman: Watercolors. That sounds more fun than basketweaving. Or, better yet, I’ll just bring my laptop and I can keep working on the next music composition.
I’ll bring my own wheelchair/walker. Thanks.
Hopefully ToTrees will be willing to feed us all with a few dozen chickens and a couple gallons of orange habanero glaze.
And maybe rocketman can donate a few pigs’ worth of ribs.
(wait… do BBQ ribs come from pigs, or cows?)
Any more of this, and poor Bah is going to have to change the post title from “Suicidal Again” to “Naked Again”.
You’re right Cordless. I, along with other people, don’t want my posts to be “hijacked.” I’ve seen some posts where people have poured their hearts out about something, and then I see silly comments and jokes that have nothing to do with the OP or OPs posts. I understand a little levity and fun, but sometimes I see it get out of hand.
SO- I’m going to start. Let’s keep things on topic. All else will be deleted. Feel free to start posts specifically on silly things.
ok I will start a new thread… but Hijacked is #189.. BYE AND SORRY
K, thanks!