A few weeks back I was arrested for fraud and as I type this letter the Police are investigating me.
My life has collapse – I have lost my marriage, I will lose my house, no job and my dearest two boys particularly my youngest (14) does not want to know me but my oldest is autistic so he cannot comprehend the situation.
Our marriage has always been stressful – looking after our autistic son, my health problems and wife’s depression. Our youngest was always was protected – giving him a carefree life with a great education. With that protection he is now in a Royal Ballet school doing really well until I turned my family life upside down.
When our oldest was born, he had many issues from autism, hypoglycemia to celiac disease. My wife was unable to go back to work so money became tight and felt so under pressure that I started taking money from the business to supplement our lifestyle and seeing the smile on my wife’s face as well as my children just gave me a buzz – made me feel so good for a short while. Deep down as years went by I felt more stressed and feeling depressed but could not bring myself to see my Doctor as I did not want my wife to find out with everything going in our lives.
Last September I made a decision that this cannot continue – I cannot keep taking money from my employers and I also wanted to reduced my demanding job which I was average 60 to 70 hours a week. It was October/November I decided to work with an outsourced firm of Accountants and there job will be take some of the financial responsibilities away from me giving me more time with the family but also to stop me taking money from the business. A live date was for 1 Feb but by that date I was somehow found out and the Police became involved.
The present day – my wife hates me, my youngest refuses to talk to me and does not want me around Easter holidays so I have leave from next week for 2 weeks. I haven’t seen my autistic son for a few weeks but he could never understand the seriousness of the situation. My youngest cannot believe one day he will not have a house to come back to – his father will be expected to go to prison for a couple of years. Basically his life has been turned upside down because of me.
I have been so weak and pathetic – I allowed myself to keep taking money for years so to keep my family feeling happy and secure as possible knowing all the while the stress and depression was building up inside me.
Over the last weeks, I have been researching the best way to take my life and the helium method seems to be the best way to go. I have now got all the materials ready and I now I need to chose the day soon.
Everyday that passes, I hate myself more and more and I cannot believe I ruined my family lives – all because I wasn’t strong enough to stop a long time ago. My friends tell me to stay strong for my childrens’ sake even though my youngest refuses to speak to me but my brain is telling me to move on and take your life. I am so stressed, confused and tearful.
I am also under the mental health team who nearly sectioned on Tuesday but was allowed to go away to my sister’s place in Ireland next week.
For me, my head is telling me that I cannot go on spoiling my family life any longer. I am weak and pathetic and my negative emotions are winning this fight. My life is now in total darkness.
I love my wife and children so so much and I hope one day they will find it in their heart to forgive me.
God, please protect my family – they deserve so much happiness without me.
Take care
7 comments
Well I see you have your hands full with issues. Those are some big issues too. I hope that you make out ok. I hope that things get better for you. Try to hang in there.
Were here if u want to talk my friend
@michael from Dunmow: Hi there this morning. I don’t know if you are around. We can’t discuss specific m@thods on this forum but I will say that he m@thod you are thinking of using needs to be closely researched for reason I can’t discuss here on the forum. If you are serious about this I strongly encourage you to do really good research on the topic. Especially the helium tank.
That said, your family will forgive you. They are very angry at you right now. No one like a knee jerk moment in their lives, but you being a father and husband are important, even if they can’t see that right now. I have an autistic son, I understand the stress of raising a special needs son, your wife needs your support even if she is really pissed at you right now. They will get past this, and even if your marriage doesn’t survive this your children need you in their lives. Children are really good at just screaming insults at their parents, especially parents they really love and trust.
Dude, you need to focus NOW on the good. Because right now you’re in a storm of bad things, you hate the state of your life and you hate yourself.
But it needn’t be like that. You can build another life. By redirecting your efforts. So stop blaming yourself, stop wallowing in the negative, as it will not help. You can blame yourself as much as you like, and you can even kill yourself, but it will make nothing better for your family. They will still be f***ed. Worse, it will end your life on a low note.
Instead, do the following:
1) What people (that will see you) do you GENUINELY enjoy spending time with the most? Spend time with them.
2) What activities are you best at? Do them.
3) What activities do you enjoy the most? Do them.
4) What places do you like the most? Go there.
You only get one life man.
If you focus on the negative, it will not only take up your time and energy, it will BLIND you to the positive. Just let it pass. We all encounter it, every day. Let it pass. And treasure all the amazing things in life.
i had to think on my reply for a bit. you’re facing some very serious problems for sure, moreso than a lot of people here. i won’t give you rainbows & unicorn answers because quite frankly, they’re unrealistic and unhelpful.
not sure where you’re from, but some thoughts. if you’ve been arrested already, are the police investigating now to bring more or more serious charges against you? it’s important that you know exactly what you’re up against. is it not possible to plead to lesser charges if you agree to pay restitution? true, you would probably lose your home to pay it back, but it sounds like your family could lose it anyway if you die. i didn’t get the sense from your post that they could maintain their current lifestyle without your income. it’s something to consider. as far as your son hating you, he’s probably just angry for what is happening right now. teens “hate” their parents for all sorts of reasons, 99% of which blow over (we adults have all been there back in our youths) or are forgiven. there is obviously a long history with your wife and she’s undoubtedly feeling the shock at what’s happened. i believe her anger is from a feeling of betrayal (you admit you’ve gone out of your way to keep her in the dark). just as you need to process all of this, they need the time to do the same.
it sounds like your trip to ireland is very good timing. the distance will give all of you the space needed to think through the events transpiring. you really do need to speak with legal counsel so you know exactly what charges/penalties you’re facing. i mean, you’re talking about ending your life and, if done correctly, you only get one chance at that. any decisions you make should be informed ones.
best of luck to you.
hi there.
you left a note maybe because you are looking for solutions, or support?
it may be hard to imagine, but try to imagine that there is life after incarceration. life, not like how you have always known it, but still possible.
you may also have contacts of good lawyers to take on your case.
if not then start googling. you could find one, or more.
once you can breathe past the thought of being incarcerated, you will find it is possible to deal with the difficulties facing you. life will change, no doubt, but it doesn’t have to be impossible, and it doesn’t have to be tragic. a lawyer, Anne Stevens in Dunedin, NZ, has a good story:
“As Dunedin barrister Anne Stevens tells it, the human weakness in us all means one day, any of us could be standing accused in the dock.
Even if her clients are guilty, they are, she says ”just fellow souls like us, and there but for the grace of God go all of us”.
”Some people would think not, but actually human weaknesses come in so many forms.
”I’ve seen them all – every single one.”
Watching Mrs Stevens launch into a cross-examination can be both exhilarating and cringe-worthy – particularly when less-than-truthful witnesses begin to find themselves in an indefensible position.
In a recent murder trial at the High Court, her black court gown wrapping her in the cloak of the justice system, she tore into witnesses on behalf of her client, dragged their inconsistencies to light, and demanded they admit they were lying.
And she does all that for people many would consider unworthy of a second’s effort.
It is a question she says she is often asked – how she can fight for someone who is ”guilty”?
”We don’t make that decision about the guilt.
”Our function is to represent people to ensure they are treated fairly, just as you and I would want to be treated.
”You’re going to fight their battle for them… that’s what we do, that’s our undertaking.
”I just think I’m so fortunate to be able to do this.”
That advocacy role is something the former New Zealand Law Society vice-president is clearly passionate about, although there are good days and bad.
”On the other hand, some of them do get you down a bit,” she says, laughing.
She has defended people accused of shooting others, beating people to death, attacking their partner with an axe, even murdering their children or their wife.
Surely that can get you down?
”I don’t know that it’s depressing. It’s just overwhelming sometimes how awful people can be to other people.
”But they nearly always – in fact I would say in every case – they have another side.
”People are never one-dimensional.” Otago Daily Times, 15/2/2015
i hope you can try first to breathe past the thought of incarceration….the rest would sort themselves out.