Sure, I sit and think about death and how I would go about offing myself quite a bit. But the actual concept of death is somewhat terrifying. I think what I ultimately want is for my pain to be gone, but not to be dead. I do not believe in an afterlife. I believe that death is nothingness. There would be no me anymore. There would be no me to even experience nothingness. I would not be sitting in eternal darkness, wish-washing in and out through consciousness and nothingness, I would just be gone. Erased. No more. The idea of that is somewhat satisfying. It’s relaxing. It’s comforting. But I don’t want it yet. Not yet. I want to live. But I just want the pain to be gone.