I just saw an ex-colleague I have a thing for for the first time in three months. Kind of weirded me out, because a) I thought she’d moved hundreds of miles away, and b) it was the first time I’ve left the house in a week. I find myself thinking about her often, (which is sad and pathetic for so many reasons), and then there she suddenly is.
I didn’t talk to her or anything – didn’t even catch her eye. Had the weird feeling of simultaneously dreading her noticing me, or saying anything – because of my extreme social awkwardness – whilst longing for her to come over.
But this post isn’t really about her. The truth is I don’t even really know her that well. We only had a handful of meaningful conversations while working together. She might be the way I think of her – kind, quirky, sensitive, deep, smart, impetuous, passionate, curious about the world. Or further down she might be just like everyone else I meet.
This post is about the despair I feel at never even finding out. Even supposing she really was the way I see her, someone I can really imagine wanting to be with, I feel like there’s nothing I can do to make myself someone she’d want to be with.
Even putting aside all my superficial physical hang ups, the truth is I’m just a terrible person. And no matter how hard I work on some aspects of that, there are things about me that I can’t change. Things that mean I don’t feel like I can be with anyone. I wouldn’t want her to be with someone like me, even if she did feel the same way for me. She deserves better. Pretty much anyone deserves better.
And that’s ok, right? Not everyone gets to have someone. Some of us just end up alone. Doesn’t mean suicide is the rational response. I still get to be in this amazing world. The stars still shine, the sky is still blue, the birds still sing outside the window.
I just need to suck it up, and live with my despair. Maybe in the future something unforeseen will happen to magically change things, if I keep working on myself, but for now I have no hope in that area.
The problem is, every time I see her, part of my mind gets stuck on her. Wants to find some way to connect with her. Thinks that if only she could see and understand everything that I really am, she’d somehow be able to make it all alright. She’d somehow be able to love me and want me despite it all. Be able to save me from myself. And everything will suddenly be ok.
Which is not how life is. It’s not how people are. I don’t think there’s anything that I can do that would make who I am ok with her (or anybody else for that matter.)
And yet part of me keeps insisting that it’s vitally important that I do something about it. So I am posting here. This is my way of trying to let go of that part of myself, at least for the time being.