Hmm… I can’t exactly be sure why I decided to come to this site, to post about it… But i need to get it out and off of my chest to people who i don’t know. I don’t want my friends and family to know how i feel.
I’ve been depressed as long as i can remember. I remember as a little kid crying and asking my mom weird questions such as
“How do you know if you’re depressed?” “What is depression” “Is depression feeling sad all day?”
I was probably only 6 or 7- but my dad had very bad depression so it wasn’t not talked about in my household.
I don’t know why i feel this way. I am an only child, have been spoiled, two parents who have been together for 20+ years… why should i be allowed to feel this way?
My depression and anxiety probably really hit when i was about 11… I started to cut myself, bite myself, smash my head on my bedposts- without anyone knowing of course- but i just felt like i had to hurt myself, i LIKED to hurt myself. This had went on for years, and in 8th grade when i was 13/14 everything completely went down hill when my best friend died.
I would cut myself, lay in bed all day except when i was at school, and just listen to music in a dark room until i could sleep.
Life just seemed pointless. I had only 1 real friend, and when he died i just… I didn’t know how to deal with myself other than to just lay there in hopes to feel better.
It was probably… 7 months later that i met my now Boyfriend of 2+ years.
Now, a lot of people tell me that i’m very upbeat and that i make everyone happy, so i didn’t tell my boyfriend for months about my problems, but i did finally open up about how i felt.
How i would cut myself, how i would try to gather the courage to shoot myself and cut deep enough to bleed out…
Things… got a bit better when we were in the ‘honeymoon’ stage, i thought about him more than i did my depression. But of course that ended and fuck am i worse than ever.
I’ve been on so many anti depressants, therapy, but they all say nothing is wrong with me. Of course they would say that though, Like i said, i’ve a very ‘happy’ seeming person. I don’t tell people how i feel in fear of rejection and in fear of being weird.
My parents had always made it clear to me that depression is something to be ashamed about, something that is disgusting and to never let anyone know, and when i tried telling them i would get in trouble for ‘pretending’ something was wrong with me.
Now, I’m 16. I should be having the time of my life, the peak of my age. I have my drivers license, a car, a job, a loving boyfriend… what could i ask more for? Ugh.
I’m still depressed, i’m suicidal. All i think about every day and night is ‘When will i be alone, when can I have the opportunity to off myself?’
I feel pathetic. I dropped out of school, All i do is cry and sit on my computer all day, I over eat to the point i vomit, I feel like the only way i can keep control of myself is by cutting myself- it feels like the only thing i can hold onto. I can’t lean on anyone. I feel guilty even telling my boyfriend I feel sad- Fuck. I HATE looking into his eyes and telling him when i feel suicidal, to see him break out into tears, cry, and beg me to stay with him. I hate waking up to see him crying because he ‘can’t make me happy’ and i know thats all he wants. So I’m trying to keep myself smiling for him.
It feels like all teenagers my age are already popping pills and crying out depression. So i deal with a lot of people coming to me and telling me they want to die. I try so hard to help people, I just want everyone else to be happy. I just don’t want to tell people how i feel, but i am an artist of sorts… I draw a lot of… Self harm and sad pictures and post them to deviant art, but thats the only way i /try/ to… i don’t know… Call out for help?
I just know someday soon is going to be my last. I know i’m going to kill myself soon and i don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel like a spoiled brat.
2 comments
I don’t think you’re “not allowed” to be depressed just because you don’t think you’ve had any suffering in your life. the death of your best friend is a really hard thing to deal with. also, I’m sorry therapy hasn’t been helpful, but it would be hard if you’re afraid of rejection if you talk about your true feelings. therapists are literally trained for this, they don’t (or at least shouldn’t) judge you or treat you differently for whatever you say to them. i’m sorry people tell you to be ashamed of depression, it’s an illness just like any other and it isn’t your fault and you deserve their love and care.
You shouldn’t feel guilt in being depressed, especially because you may have inherited it from your dad. I’m right there with you, and no you aren’t a spoiled brat and I’m glad you shared this with us. I’m in the same situation, and I know how it feels when everything in life is going well but you still feel like shit, and I hope you don’t cripple yourself with that guilt. We’re here for you, and I hope you make it through alright.