Sportsnut; I will get back to you individually as the night goes on. I’m finally at the position where I’m ready to type. You are one of many people I’ve gotten to know on here. I consider you my friend. Thank you for looking out for me. That you for being my friend.
Nepheliad; that means so much to me that im un able to express it. I should be safe tonight. But I am still yet unsure about that. By the looks of it I wouldn’t want to get anyone’s hope up. Its still very possibly that my plan will still take action. I’ve went through all of the stages of death today. Denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance. Today was rough. I threw in a little insanity with it to. As I drove today I broke down and went a little insane. The short clip I recorded today was a piece of that bout. I will decide what im going to end up doing tonight. This depends on my purpose in life. My reason to stay. But I’ve accepted death tonight. I’m ready.
Darkwillow; (sorry for anyone else reading this) you have made a big impact on my life. A few others have as well. Im sorry to say this but there are a few people on here that ive bonded with more than others. And you are one of them. You gave me hope. You gave me a reason. You inspired me. I got to know you. I got to listen to you. I was able to embrace you with my heart. You seem cheerful sometimes when I come into the fourm. Along with other people. I’ve like to believe that I’ve made a great impact on suicide project. And id like to believe that ive helped you out. That I gave you a reason to push forward another day. And I’m sorry for everything you have been going through. And im I’m sorry I haven’t been a freind as much as I could lately. I want to, believe me I do. I just cant handle myself anymore. And before I care for others I need to care for myself a little bit first. Im sorry I kept you worrying. Im sorry if I caused you any pain.
emotional worry and pain can only be caused when you care about someone, as we all do for you. If you think im cheerful, thats because of you and everyone else on here have made me feel that way.
Notinterestedinlife; I have a lot to say to you. A lot more than what I have to say to others. You are by far one of the most level headed people I can think of right now. Your advice and suggestions are always so well thought through. To me you seem almost passionate when you type. no matter what it is about. You are also unique. Your name says it all. You’ve also posted about it before. There is just no intrest for you. Life is bland. Life is pointless. It doesn’t mean a whole lot to you. At least that is what I gathered. Correct me if I’m wrong.
I see myself in you. I really do. In some ways at least. Im so infatuated with you to be honest. You’re so kind. You care a lot. Like I do. You and I are then same in this way. We are considerated. Even though we hurt, we still care for others. See I dont know if thats how you see yourself. But that’s how I see you. I’m not fimiliar with how you hurt. My mind is really clouded right now honestly. I can’t recollect everyone’s pain right now. I cant recollect their stories. Even though ive read them all. I just cant, and its honestly because im battling myself right now. My main focus right now is to clear the air and say what’s on my mind.
Thank you. You are an intelligent person and I’ll be sorry to see you go, but I respect your decision. You have contributed alot to SP and its been great to have you here. I’m sorry I’m no good with words
I am not interested in life I think because I do not like people and society, I consider myself to be very mentally weak as well, I feel like a child in an adult body. I really, truly do. And by not interested, i mean any kind of life, so i also wouldn’t be interested in living in a huge mansion and having lots of money. I hate money anyway. I do not really have any friends except for my online boyfriend who lives overseas. I have been bullied at school alot when i was there, the last 3 years were not too bad i guess… 1 year i was sexually abused by a girl mt own age. Never told my parents or a teacher, although i did tell my year one teacher in an email recently. I don’t know why i told her, but she wasn’t horrible.
I haven’t really had a hard life, i feel compared to others. I’m just a weakling with no interest in life who wants out. Despite having parents who care enough to let me stay, despite having an online boyfriend. I don’t always like my parents though. I’m grateful for what I have, but I just… really want to die. I’m not smart, I’m dumb, stupid… i don’t think the world was made for me anyway.
i could write more but i don’t want to make this too long
It’s so wonderful to see how much you all care. It is amazing to see how much you all worry about me. I’m sorry ive left you all in the mud the past few hours. I went insane for a bit today. And I also talked to my mother about some serious things.
Passionforalways; I’m glad I’vee met you. It made me happy to meet you alone with a lot more people here. I know you’re not in the loop completely of what im I’m struggling with. But everything will be revealed in this post within the next 2 hours. I will speak with you. Along with a few others individually. Just keep up to date with my posts until I can speak with you. If you fall asleep it’s ok. Don’t worry.
Dawg, you came back!! lol the active people on here are so nice. I think you’d like the current members a lot. I never thought i’d come back to such an amazing community. They’re so caring.
And I’ve always loved the people here – the best minds and hearts – and real – for the most part, that’s what always makes this community better that any other – they all genuinely care and go above and beyond to help their fellow
Dawg; I read your reply earlier. About Dawg advocite for dogs. And you know what you are right. Why would I leave my dog? My dog loves me and she’s getting old. Its selfish of me to leave her. Just because she wouldn’t know. But I am so un happy and I have been for so long. That I am willing to be selfish. I have guilt with that. It doesn’t settle right in my stomach. You know when you replied to me, I thought to myself. Maybe I should wait until after Dee Dee passes away. To save her from me. But it quickly came over me that no I’m done. I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve made up my mind. I’m following through. But as the day progressed and I read more and more everyone had to say I started doubting myself. I’m batteling myself right now. And it hurts. One side of me is screaming, don’t give up. And th other is calmly ready and in fact prepared to give up. And you know what. Your reply started this battle im I’m going through right now.
I’m glad you read my reply and even gave it some thought/weight … not knowing me for a hole in the wall … I’m also glad you took it in the spirit it was written – I worried about that.
Here;s my perspective (and you can confirm in the archives going back a few years) If it weren’t for my dogs, I wouldn’t be here right now because without them, I had nothing to really keep me here. Back then I had 5 dogs, 4 of which were fosters but one that was fairly old and blind … welp, two of the fosters have since found homes … and my GF (which I did not have when I was a contributor here regularly) and I adopted the other two because they are head cases – the old blind dog is still old and blind (and cantankerous 😛 ) and my GF had two of her own – along with two cats (yech) a bird and a tortoise (monster sized) … and now a rat too (oy vey!).
Point being … my commitment to my dogs got me through each fay (barely) … and eventually a few things changed in my favor … the world for me is still far from perfect – and I still consider “catching the bus” occasionally. But I’ve also had some fatastic experiences and made a difference in a few lives that I otherwise would not have been able to … I owe that … to my dogs 🙂
Cordless; you are another person that I hold closer to me. You have also impacted greatly in my life. I may not have known you for long. But it’s long enough. I take my time to read what everyone posts and replies on suicide project. I mean everything. I may not always reply to something, but I’m there. I’ve spent a lot of time recently on suicide project. And I got to know you. I got to know that you are hurt. And I wish I knew more about you. About your story. How you struggle. What I can do to help. You are strong cordless. Don’t ever forget that.
Yelm; It is actually amazing to hear from you. I remember you were one of the first people I have met on SP. I saw that you have posted recently. But honestly over the past day and a half I haven’t been keeping up with everyone. I’ve been in a really dark place. I still am. I’m unable to focus on anyone else in the time being. This is the best I’m able to do right now.
Call me crazy. But when I read this, I few tears fell from my eyes. It hit me in a split second. Shit. No. Why yelm. Why. It honestly scares me. I could end up just like you tonight. But forget about me right now. I hope you are ok. I hope that you make it through this. Im sorry I wasnt there for you. A failed suicide attempt is the absolute worst. Ive been there and done that multiple times. I just hope that what ever drove you to this path is eased a little bit. I hope you find what you’re looking for and I hope you find closure. Yes. I care about you and I wish that this didn’t have to happen. I care about you. But its not right of me to lecture you. I just hope for the best for you. If I could snap my fingers and take your pain away I would. In a heart beat.
Yelm I’m sorry my reply to you is chaotic sounding. My ducks are not lining up typing to you. Im crying. For you to be in a hospital bed right now, but yet take the time to reply to me. I. I. Im lost for words. If I was there right now I would hug you for as long as I could. Until I had to let go. A real hug. I would hold on to you like holding on for dear life. Gripping you scrubs or gown. My face burried in your shoulder. Yelm I fucking love you.
It’s morning in here so I’ll be checking up on you, no worry about sleep. I may not write too much but I still have plenty of time to read. Offering my honest attention is the least I can do for you.
Mato; I remember you name. And I remember speaking with you before. But I forgot what about. I have a terrible memory. I appologize for that. Thank you for keeping up to date with me. Ive expressed that with multiple people tonight. I read your reply you sent last night. I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your day for me. That also goes for a lot of people as well. See if I survive the night, dont get your hopes up. I decided earlier today that if I back down I will write an actual book. And I would make sure you got a copy.
Notinterestedinlife; I’ve mustered that from you. From what I’ve read. My mind is a little less hazy right now. You’re not dumb, stupid or a child. You have a lot of potential. Things may not feel in place right now. Life may seem like its not what it’s all caught up to be. But i believe that if you find your purpose you’ll be ok. You have so much to look forward to, you’re strong. You really are.
Dawg; my dog gave me a reason to live for, for a long time. I think it’s amazing that your dogs and pets have given you a reason. It warms my heart that pets have made a great impact on you.
46 comments
im here
Thank you.
Sportsnut; I will get back to you individually as the night goes on. I’m finally at the position where I’m ready to type. You are one of many people I’ve gotten to know on here. I consider you my friend. Thank you for looking out for me. That you for being my friend.
it is my pleasure.. thats how we roll up in here…ride or die..(no pun intended)
I was wondering when you’d show up
me and passion got your back
Look out for charlies 2 o’clock
Thank you.
I’ve been thinking of you today (even if we don’t know each other personally). I hope you are safe tonight.
me too, actually.
Every thought counts.
Nepheliad; that means so much to me that im un able to express it. I should be safe tonight. But I am still yet unsure about that. By the looks of it I wouldn’t want to get anyone’s hope up. Its still very possibly that my plan will still take action. I’ve went through all of the stages of death today. Denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance. Today was rough. I threw in a little insanity with it to. As I drove today I broke down and went a little insane. The short clip I recorded today was a piece of that bout. I will decide what im going to end up doing tonight. This depends on my purpose in life. My reason to stay. But I’ve accepted death tonight. I’m ready.
aloha, salutations, greetings, young beaubri!
Darkwillow; (sorry for anyone else reading this) you have made a big impact on my life. A few others have as well. Im sorry to say this but there are a few people on here that ive bonded with more than others. And you are one of them. You gave me hope. You gave me a reason. You inspired me. I got to know you. I got to listen to you. I was able to embrace you with my heart. You seem cheerful sometimes when I come into the fourm. Along with other people. I’ve like to believe that I’ve made a great impact on suicide project. And id like to believe that ive helped you out. That I gave you a reason to push forward another day. And I’m sorry for everything you have been going through. And im I’m sorry I haven’t been a freind as much as I could lately. I want to, believe me I do. I just cant handle myself anymore. And before I care for others I need to care for myself a little bit first. Im sorry I kept you worrying. Im sorry if I caused you any pain.
emotional worry and pain can only be caused when you care about someone, as we all do for you. If you think im cheerful, thats because of you and everyone else on here have made me feel that way.
I’m here!
I have been wondering about you!
I’m still very well conscious.
Thank goodness!
Did you change your mind?
Hello
I have a lot to tell you. Along with everyone else.
Notinterestedinlife; I have a lot to say to you. A lot more than what I have to say to others. You are by far one of the most level headed people I can think of right now. Your advice and suggestions are always so well thought through. To me you seem almost passionate when you type. no matter what it is about. You are also unique. Your name says it all. You’ve also posted about it before. There is just no intrest for you. Life is bland. Life is pointless. It doesn’t mean a whole lot to you. At least that is what I gathered. Correct me if I’m wrong.
I see myself in you. I really do. In some ways at least. Im so infatuated with you to be honest. You’re so kind. You care a lot. Like I do. You and I are then same in this way. We are considerated. Even though we hurt, we still care for others. See I dont know if thats how you see yourself. But that’s how I see you. I’m not fimiliar with how you hurt. My mind is really clouded right now honestly. I can’t recollect everyone’s pain right now. I cant recollect their stories. Even though ive read them all. I just cant, and its honestly because im battling myself right now. My main focus right now is to clear the air and say what’s on my mind.
Thank you. You are an intelligent person and I’ll be sorry to see you go, but I respect your decision. You have contributed alot to SP and its been great to have you here. I’m sorry I’m no good with words
I am not interested in life I think because I do not like people and society, I consider myself to be very mentally weak as well, I feel like a child in an adult body. I really, truly do. And by not interested, i mean any kind of life, so i also wouldn’t be interested in living in a huge mansion and having lots of money. I hate money anyway. I do not really have any friends except for my online boyfriend who lives overseas. I have been bullied at school alot when i was there, the last 3 years were not too bad i guess… 1 year i was sexually abused by a girl mt own age. Never told my parents or a teacher, although i did tell my year one teacher in an email recently. I don’t know why i told her, but she wasn’t horrible.
I haven’t really had a hard life, i feel compared to others. I’m just a weakling with no interest in life who wants out. Despite having parents who care enough to let me stay, despite having an online boyfriend. I don’t always like my parents though. I’m grateful for what I have, but I just… really want to die. I’m not smart, I’m dumb, stupid… i don’t think the world was made for me anyway.
i could write more but i don’t want to make this too long
It’s so wonderful to see how much you all care. It is amazing to see how much you all worry about me. I’m sorry ive left you all in the mud the past few hours. I went insane for a bit today. And I also talked to my mother about some serious things.
WOWEE!!!!! That is good news indeed
Passionforalways; I’m glad I’vee met you. It made me happy to meet you alone with a lot more people here. I know you’re not in the loop completely of what im I’m struggling with. But everything will be revealed in this post within the next 2 hours. I will speak with you. Along with a few others individually. Just keep up to date with my posts until I can speak with you. If you fall asleep it’s ok. Don’t worry.
I’m glad I met you Beau! I won’t fall asleep..i can’t.
I’ve missed you. I cant thank you enough for all the help you gave me.
I beaubri, I’m dawg … we haven’t met or interacted – but I use to be pretty active here a couple years ago
talking dawg
Dawg, you came back!! lol the active people on here are so nice. I think you’d like the current members a lot. I never thought i’d come back to such an amazing community. They’re so caring.
Technically, I never “left” 🙂
And I’ve always loved the people here – the best minds and hearts – and real – for the most part, that’s what always makes this community better that any other – they all genuinely care and go above and beyond to help their fellow
assistant dawg
How are you doing, Dawg?
Pain … as usual … waiting for sleep meds to kick in … so I’m doing “meh” 😉
But I’ll live … line a cockroach will survive a nuclear war 😛 somehow, I always eke out one more day 🙂
step by step dawg
Dawg; I read your reply earlier. About Dawg advocite for dogs. And you know what you are right. Why would I leave my dog? My dog loves me and she’s getting old. Its selfish of me to leave her. Just because she wouldn’t know. But I am so un happy and I have been for so long. That I am willing to be selfish. I have guilt with that. It doesn’t settle right in my stomach. You know when you replied to me, I thought to myself. Maybe I should wait until after Dee Dee passes away. To save her from me. But it quickly came over me that no I’m done. I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve made up my mind. I’m following through. But as the day progressed and I read more and more everyone had to say I started doubting myself. I’m batteling myself right now. And it hurts. One side of me is screaming, don’t give up. And th other is calmly ready and in fact prepared to give up. And you know what. Your reply started this battle im I’m going through right now.
I’m glad you read my reply and even gave it some thought/weight … not knowing me for a hole in the wall … I’m also glad you took it in the spirit it was written – I worried about that.
Here;s my perspective (and you can confirm in the archives going back a few years) If it weren’t for my dogs, I wouldn’t be here right now because without them, I had nothing to really keep me here. Back then I had 5 dogs, 4 of which were fosters but one that was fairly old and blind … welp, two of the fosters have since found homes … and my GF (which I did not have when I was a contributor here regularly) and I adopted the other two because they are head cases – the old blind dog is still old and blind (and cantankerous 😛 ) and my GF had two of her own – along with two cats (yech) a bird and a tortoise (monster sized) … and now a rat too (oy vey!).
Point being … my commitment to my dogs got me through each fay (barely) … and eventually a few things changed in my favor … the world for me is still far from perfect – and I still consider “catching the bus” occasionally. But I’ve also had some fatastic experiences and made a difference in a few lives that I otherwise would not have been able to … I owe that … to my dogs 🙂
humble dawg
I promise to stay awake for at least two more hours, waiting for your update.
I really have been wondering and worrying for you.
Cordless; you are another person that I hold closer to me. You have also impacted greatly in my life. I may not have known you for long. But it’s long enough. I take my time to read what everyone posts and replies on suicide project. I mean everything. I may not always reply to something, but I’m there. I’ve spent a lot of time recently on suicide project. And I got to know you. I got to know that you are hurt. And I wish I knew more about you. About your story. How you struggle. What I can do to help. You are strong cordless. Don’t ever forget that.
(**tears in my eyes**)
I’m here too. I’m on a hospital bed following a failed attempt. But I’m here for you beaubri
and we are thinking of you too
Yelm; It is actually amazing to hear from you. I remember you were one of the first people I have met on SP. I saw that you have posted recently. But honestly over the past day and a half I haven’t been keeping up with everyone. I’ve been in a really dark place. I still am. I’m unable to focus on anyone else in the time being. This is the best I’m able to do right now.
Call me crazy. But when I read this, I few tears fell from my eyes. It hit me in a split second. Shit. No. Why yelm. Why. It honestly scares me. I could end up just like you tonight. But forget about me right now. I hope you are ok. I hope that you make it through this. Im sorry I wasnt there for you. A failed suicide attempt is the absolute worst. Ive been there and done that multiple times. I just hope that what ever drove you to this path is eased a little bit. I hope you find what you’re looking for and I hope you find closure. Yes. I care about you and I wish that this didn’t have to happen. I care about you. But its not right of me to lecture you. I just hope for the best for you. If I could snap my fingers and take your pain away I would. In a heart beat.
Yelm I’m sorry my reply to you is chaotic sounding. My ducks are not lining up typing to you. Im crying. For you to be in a hospital bed right now, but yet take the time to reply to me. I. I. Im lost for words. If I was there right now I would hug you for as long as I could. Until I had to let go. A real hug. I would hold on to you like holding on for dear life. Gripping you scrubs or gown. My face burried in your shoulder. Yelm I fucking love you.
It’s morning in here so I’ll be checking up on you, no worry about sleep. I may not write too much but I still have plenty of time to read. Offering my honest attention is the least I can do for you.
Mato; I remember you name. And I remember speaking with you before. But I forgot what about. I have a terrible memory. I appologize for that. Thank you for keeping up to date with me. Ive expressed that with multiple people tonight. I read your reply you sent last night. I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your day for me. That also goes for a lot of people as well. See if I survive the night, dont get your hopes up. I decided earlier today that if I back down I will write an actual book. And I would make sure you got a copy.
Notinterestedinlife; I’ve mustered that from you. From what I’ve read. My mind is a little less hazy right now. You’re not dumb, stupid or a child. You have a lot of potential. Things may not feel in place right now. Life may seem like its not what it’s all caught up to be. But i believe that if you find your purpose you’ll be ok. You have so much to look forward to, you’re strong. You really are.
I agree with you completely.
NIIL is stronger than she thinks she is, and I’ve learned to respect her insight. 🙂
True!
Hugs to both of you.
Dawg; my dog gave me a reason to live for, for a long time. I think it’s amazing that your dogs and pets have given you a reason. It warms my heart that pets have made a great impact on you.