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by DarkTide

I am tired of asking for help. The only way I can get these thoughts of despair is to keep myself busy… I cant live with these thoughts… struggling to stay alive… the struggle to find a future… the struggle to find love… Im struggling to stay alive… I guess I should say I am not asking anymore, I am taking matters into my own hands… finding my own solution.

I have forgiven Chanelle… how could anyone love an ugly fool like me… sunday will come soon enough and thats when my depression ends. I got paid today and I guess that will help my parents deal with all of this.

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DarkTide 4/1/2016 - 2:13 pm

If anyone wants to ask questions or just talk you are more than welcome.

kupo95 4/1/2016 - 2:58 pm

How are you feeling ?

DarkTide 4/1/2016 - 3:02 pm

Alone… empty… forgotten… sad…

kupo95 4/1/2016 - 3:17 pm

Were this picture I wanna see ..

DarkTide 4/1/2016 - 3:36 pm

Its in Mozambique… a remote village called Banhini.

BlueEyes 4/1/2016 - 3:12 pm

Hey there,
I’m so glad you posted your picture earlier. You’re not ugly. You’re a cute guy with a bit of a devilish grin. (Hee-hee!) And I bet you have a really good sense of humor when you aren’t feeling so shitty.

You have so much on your plate right now – staying alive, finding a future, finding love. It’s overwhelming, I agree. So keeping busy is GOOD! It’s a step in a positive direction. It keeps that “monkey mind” at bay; that terrible voice that tells you all those stupid untrue stories and tells you you’re no good.

But when you’re in despair, you literally can only do so much because it’s all too exhausting.

So put aside trying to find a future or love for the moment and focus on staying alive. Just keep busy at that for awhile. What do you like to do? You mentioned going to Swaziland once. Do you like to travel? Is there somewhere you’ve always wanted to go but haven’t been? Can you save up to travel somewhere? The world is so diverse and big; I bet there are experiences out there that you’d love as much as Swaziland. I’ve always wanted to ride the Orient Express train through Europe. (But last year I simply ended up at an amusement park about an hour away and I still had a fun time, ha!)

BlueEyes 4/1/2016 - 3:31 pm

I’m so sorry you feel empty, alone and forgotten. Add to those, feeling like a misfit, stupid, and unloved and it’s how I’ve felt half my life.
That’s why I know how overwhelming it can be.
That’s why I know keeping busy is good.
That’s why I suggested trying to find a little something to plan for, to dream of, to make you think broader than your current situation. It saved my own life once.

Your situation touches me more than you’ll understand. I’ll be so sad if you leave us.

DarkTide 4/1/2016 - 3:38 pm

Sadly its been my story also. I have searched for love my whole life and when I eventually loved someone that person kind of broke me. You mentioned above about travelling, I was a missionary for 2 years and I was working for an organisation which would send me out to these places. I cant afford anything. I am kind of tired of living this annoying life.

BlueEyes 4/1/2016 - 5:46 pm

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I didn’t find “love” until I was 30. And I didn’t find “true love” until I was 51. (Unfortunately, MC is my “true love”… but that’s my problem.)
I’ll tell you a secret… in both cases I wasn’t “looking” for love. And I discovered that’s the key – once you stop looking, you relax. Once you relax, you don’t seem desperate. Once you’re not desperate, you’re just yourself and people want to get to know you better. And then, Boom! you connect with someone and never saw it coming.

Maybe you can find missionary work again. Or go work for an environmental organization or something like Peace Corps. One thing you have going for you is that you have no attachments so you can be posted anywhere. In that respect your ‘freedom’ is an asset.

In my 20’s I had to move hundreds of miles away from home to save my life. A whole new place changed my perspective. I knew if I stayed where I was I would die.

passionforalways 4/2/2016 - 3:58 am

Greenpeace yeah, save the whales!

passionforalways 4/2/2016 - 4:05 am

To the sea lad! That air will make you feel like you conquered the world!

BlueEyes 4/2/2016 - 4:36 pm

Hey there DarkTide – you still with us?
Please stay, my friend.
I’d hate to think I travel this world with a broken heart alone.

BlueEyes 4/2/2016 - 4:36 pm

(hug)

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/2/2016 - 4:42 pm

I missed commenting on this post earlier. Dark Tide, I’m thinking about you today.

BlueEyes 4/3/2016 - 11:37 am

Hello Dark Tide? Are you there my friend?

mindlessgamer619 4/3/2016 - 11:39 am

Just passing through. Hoping things are good with you, bud.

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