Being alone is fine, most of the time. When you’re focused on something else. But then you get tired, and can’t focus. And you can’t get to sleep. Because you can’t find peace. Because you realize that your life is lacking anything worthwhile. That there’s nothing you can do, to feel part of a group. Because your whole way of thinking is based on being alone. And you can’t give that up. Because that would mean opening yourself to rejection. And there’s so much about you that should be rejected.
So you’re trapped. Telling yourself to do whatever it takes to break through and make some kind of connection. But also that it’s impossible – that being alone is fundamental to who you are.