I’m just feeling pretty hopeless tonight. I don’t post much. I don’t talk much in real life either, at least, not about how I feel. But tonight, I know I won’t sleep with this poison inside of me. I feel hopeless on every level. Individually, I am worthless and talentless and broken from a violent and turbulent childhood. I am so mentally and emotionally taxed that I am losing the ability to function normally. Someday soon, this is going to catch up with me and likely destroy my life. Relationally, I don’t know how to be open in friendships or to be vulnerable romantically or to be connected within the small family (my parents) that I have left. Yet, I am desperately lonely. Financially, I am so burdened by student loan debt that I can’t move anywhere and get a job that uses my degree. It’s like the Gift of the Magi or something. I have the tool, but I lack the ability to use it. I don’t see this changing. Medically, I am chronically ill, and I feel it more and more everyday. My job is physically strenuous, and I feel the effects. I’m afraid it will cause a flare, but on some level, I don’t really care either. Generally, I feel hopeless as a Millennial. The people that could guide and teach us from other generations use their energy to bash and humiliate us instead. But what do I know about anything? I’m a lazy, freeloading twenty-something with no desire to grow up or do anything on my own, or so I’m told.
Whatever, though. Ultimately, what does it matter? Any of this? I can’t figure out why I should care anymore. I am tired and calloused, yet I have this heart so heavy, because I care so much. It hurts that many people are so hateful and ignorant. I want to help others, but I feel so crippled by depression that it takes all I have just to shower and go to work. That shouldn’t be an excuse. That’s a “victim mentality,” apparently. It’s not real, apparently. But to me, it’s the only real thing that I know, that pain and that darkness are reality to me, but because no one else can see, these things aren’t real to them.
I believe in God, and I believe He works miracles. They say He should be enough. But it’s been over a decade of prayer and attending church and helping others and worshipping, and here I am, still desperately hurting. I don’t doubt Him; I just doubt that I’m supposed to just suck it up and let prayer do the work. Sometimes, God can use therapy and medication to help those in need. It works for my lupus. Why not depression? They don’t see that as an option. Because if prayer is all I’ve got, then it hasn’t worked for 10+ years. I’m screwed. I believe in Him, but I don’t believe everything they believe about how He wants to work in my life. I just don’t know how to get the help I need.
Ignore me. I sound ridiculous.