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Am I The Only One?

by conflictedcollegekid

I have a question for everyone on here. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety shit for about a year now. Whenever I have a good day (though those are extremely rare), I find myself missing the mental state I am comfortable in–the state where thoughts of suicide and self harm control me. Does that happen to anyone else? Does anyone else purposefully trigger themselves to be in a depressive state when they are in a “normal,” good, happy mood? Or is that just me? I don’t know why I do it…but I do. Sometimes I am mad at myself for doing. Other times, though, I am mad at myself for not doing it. This is all just very confusing to me. I honestly don’t know why I’m even writing this. I guess I just want to know if anyone else purposefully gets themselves into moods where they are down and think about self harm and suicide.

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6 comments

not here 4/10/2016 - 3:05 am

I’ve done this in the past, I think it’s somewhat natural when you’re in that type of mindset. If you’re generally depressed, chances are you don’t think of yourself very highly, and so you probably think you’re meant to be that way, or you deserve to feel that pain. I’m no psychologist by any means, but I think it’s helpful to realize that this type of attitude might be “normal”, and it comes from a (warped) logical place.
It helped me anyways; it’s important to realize that you need to allow yourself to be happy if you stand any chance of reaching that state. I’m not saying simply trying to let yourself be happy will fix all of your problems, but I do believe that is a necessary (not sufficient) condition for finding peace/happiness/mental well-being. A starting point, if you will.
Wishing you the best.

Procel 4/10/2016 - 3:48 am

At my worst suicidal state, bizar as this may sound I was happy. Not happy I don’t want to die but happy with my mind. When I was at my worst my mind was alive, I had amazing thoughts, could write entire stories in a night, have the of the best thoughts I’ve ever had, I realise now I was incredibly manic at the time, im too long a member here for most to recall what I was like back then but it was amazing, and utterly horrible time in my life. But I got out of it, I took care of the suicidal ideation and am merely minorly depressed, which for me is as good as cured. But my mind is just so dull, there’s no stories, no tangential leaps from topic to topic that went so fast it took my breath away, now its a shell of what it used to be, so drowned in apathy that days blend together and thoughts go by at snail paces. The trade off it seems for suicidal ideation was a most wonderful and unique mind that was the greatest thing I ever had. And often I wonder and yearn to bring back the suicidal ideation, just so I can feel that awe inspiring mind once more. But the trade off is too severe. But yes you are not the only one who, when better wants the worst days back. I miss them terribly sometimes.

mato42 4/10/2016 - 5:01 am

Yes, I often do. What I hate the most is the uncertainty, the anxiety. I “know” I don’t deserve to be happy, that I am “supposed” to feel miserable so every time that something nice comes along, I am on high alert for whenever something bad happens which will return me back into my default state. And I hate that waiting period and it’s not so rare that I even sabotage myself to get there. I don’t know if I am exactly “happier” this way, but I am more content with it. I’ve been this way for so long it’s very familiar and the “other” side of the world can be overwhelming.

I have to fully agree with other people who replied. I too get creative when I am deep in the dark hole. Not that I create any masterpieces, but I get the urge to write, my mind gets vivid. Once when things were particularly bad for a long time, I even wrote a 200 pages long book. Not saying it’s a good book, just showing how stimulating depression can be.

And about the one time I was actually going to kill myself, all worries simply wanished. Nothing mattered anymore. A calm before the storm for which I won’t be around.

This are side effects of my ill mind, those chemical imbalances and each time I try to break the circle, each time I try to get out, sooner or later I revert back. Not always because bad stuff happened again, but often on my own, twisted will.

4beyondhelp 4/10/2016 - 11:46 am

Yeah, I do this pretty much whenever I feel I’m too happy, not suicidal enough, etc. I don’t think I deserve happiness so I bring suffering on myself to set the world to how it ought to be. I’m a shitty person so I deserve to feel shitty, and on the rare occasion I don’t, I feel guilty and make myself feel bad.

4beyondhelp 4/10/2016 - 11:49 am

to add on with the self-harm bit, I do that too. if I’ve messed up some things and have gone long enough with cutting I do it again, sometimes more out of a feeling of duty than anything else, even though I’m trying to cut. I just don’t believe that I deserve anything better and I don’t want to let myself have it.

4beyondhelp 4/10/2016 - 11:50 am

*trying not to cut, that is. people don’t notice now but if I let myself do it as big and as often as I’d like they might.

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