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by InhalingAnxiety

(Maybe this is an official “I’m back” post? We’ll see if my mind can keep on track. Good luck following my thoughts.)

I thought I was set for life because I had it planned out until retirement. Graduate high school, go to college and get my degree in accounting, get a job and earn promotions for the next 40 years of my life, retire and move to someplace beautiful and expensive, then wait to die. And I thought no more about it other than just a basic, simple, normal life. That was when I was in 9th grade when I made that plan. I have gone through my life up to (almost) age 21 so far based on 14 year old me’s life plans and just never changed/adjusted them.

I got my accounting degree, and a job in my field in the beginning of 2015 and I was like, damn, this is actually going to work. I held the job over a year, even though I was bullied and harassed by everyone I worked with and they made me almost kill myself a few times. I just got out (because it was basically prison) a month ago. I put a two weeks in, but the bullying got worse and I cried one night after I got home from work until a few hours before work started the next day. I was basically contemplating… Suicide? Or go into work? It was pretty fucking awful. But that day, I discovered more shit so I walked out in the middle of the day. As soon as I walked outside I felt like I could breathe again. It was glorious.

Anyway, I got my old job back at the factory. Everyone missed me and they’re all the greatest people. I enjoy going to work again, and I’m not entirely disappointed I woke up in the morning. I think I’m pretty much scarred to going back into another accounting/office position. I’ve noticed many people with more “fancy” jobs are arrogant and have the biggest sense of entitlement and are just a bunch of snooty bitches, forreal.

That job completely fucked me over though, in every god damn way it possibly could. I rent an apartment from my former boss, and it’s a piece of shit place that’s too expensive and he won’t put any repairs into it so it’s slowly becoming a giant pile of rubble I’m living inside for a large fee every month. So since January this year, I’ve been looking to buy myself a house, because I’m tired of renting and dumping my money into a place that would never be able to be profitable to me. So it’s just a huge waste of money. Anyway, the only loan I can do is a loan that doesn’t require any money down because I’m not able to save up money with my student loans, car loan, and rent payments plus other miscellaneous bills/unexpected expenses. The loan is an assistance loan to help people who aren’t able to save up 10-20% of how much the house they’re buying costs. I found the perfect home that required no work by me and was cheaper than my budget was. I wanted to make an offer on it, but thought I’d let my mortgage pre-approval lady know. Turns out I’m no longer eligible for the loan since I switched jobs. I have to be at a job for at least 6 months, and I’ve only been here a month. So I have to stay here.

I’ve been checkmated in life because I live in a world where details and other important things don’t matter, except money money money. I’ve run out of options for another move. I don’t know what to do/where to go next. I tried to always make sure I had a plan, and the next best thing, and another might-as-well-try-it or what-do-I-have-to-lose plan, but I’ve run out of options and things to work towards/look forward to because life has screwed me out of anything else. I’ve got nothing left. Is this the end?

Sorry if you read this pointless, tedious post.


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Cordless 4/27/2016 - 10:54 pm

I’m glad you were able to get out of that job you hated so much.
Even if things aren’t currently perfect, it was still a step forward (I think) to leave a situation that was so ugly and stressful you considered dying rather than go to work.

I hope something works out for you.
Keep looking and keep hoping.

Morris 4/27/2016 - 11:04 pm

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”.
Should I go to work or should I kill myself? That’s a great question if you hate your job and the only reason why you work is to earn enough money to keep living. It’s a catch-22. “Work sucks, I hate it, but work pays money and life costs money, therefore I must work a job I hate in order to perpetuate my existence”.
Don’t feel too bad about it. Eventually you’ll die.

Wintergirl 4/28/2016 - 12:36 am

Glad you got out of that job. Keep on looking for a house. You will find one if you just keep looking.

dividebyzero 4/28/2016 - 1:16 am

First of all, glad you got out of the job you hated. Can you find a new apartment that isn’t a pile of rubble until you become eligible for the loan?

rivets 4/28/2016 - 5:19 am

Ha! Office jobs are like that. My theory is the flocks of office people have nothing better to do all day than to gossip and torment each other. Your post wasn’t pointless and tedious, though. You’re going through some stuff. I can relate.

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