Confused and frustrated

I have fully  recovered from my recent attempt, physically speaking. I had an epiphany during this experience, that my life does matter, that I matter; but that feeling of inner strength blew out so quickly and too easily. I’m left here feeling hopeless and empty again, and that’s why I’m frustrated. I’m either feeling numb, sad, mildly euphoric, or feeling too energetic and irritable (mixed episode). Currently, I’m not suicidal, but I do feel self-destructive at least once a day, if not more often, and when those feelings and emotions become irritating or overwhelming, I turn to alcohol, again. All though, I’m feeling slightly proud of myself because I try my best to avoid self-harm, and haven’t harmed myself for at least 8 days, which is far from easy; but so far, I’m better able to fight against the urge to hurt myself. I’m not perfect, I do abuse alcohol, but not all day like before. So, this will be one of my rare posts; one that describes me in a better place in my head; it’s still a shity place in my head, but there has been some feeling of relief; most likely from the euphoria popping up at times when I need to feel happy the most. Anyways, this was just a random update. I don’t expect to stay this way, unfortunately; but that’s just how things are for me.