The truth is, depression is juvenile. Not in terms of maturity, but in the fact that it can only be indulged in as someone without responsibilities. Being depressed as an adult sucks. I have obligations, there is no other option but to progress forward no matter how hindering depression is. I can’t sit around all day like I used to as a teenager, I have to get a job and support myself and my partner. I hate that I have to actually consider my future in a very real perspective when all I want to do is sleep all day. Inside I feel perpetually heavy and empty, like there’s a consuming void leeching on me at all times. The pain is immense and incapacitating – yet the worst part is that I’m not allowed to succumb to its effects. You might say it’s a good thing that I’m forced to move forward – to get out of bed everyday, to find a job, to socialize with those close to me, yet the fact that I have to makes many days feel unbearable. It genuinely feels like a battle everyday and one I can’t ever escape since the conception of my adulthood. You know what I’d really like? To just sleep for the entire day. Yeah, I’m not physically constrained to obeying my personal duties – but when I don’t I feel even more guilty on top of all this shit I feel. I love sleeping, but whenever I do I feel like I’m wasting my life and compounding the stress I exert on those I depend on – I’m a fucking leech. Whenever I don’t talk to the one person I’m close to I feel like they interpret that as me ignoring them. I don’t want to ruin the only relationship I have so I’m forced to invest effort into entertaining them. Not saying I don’t enjoy it, but sometimes it’s hard to socialize when I just want to lay down and isolate. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but guess what tough luck I have to. Me and my partner are like $1200 in immediate debt, $1000s more in debt that is to be paid over time and without significant pressure to pay it. I can’t feel sorry for myself like I want to, I have to pay that fucking debt and going through the motions everyday is the only way to do so. I wish I could pause time, you know? Just have everything freeze so I can get my shit together without compromising everything. But nope, that doesn’t exist and it sucks.