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depression is juvenile

by khajiit

The truth is, depression is juvenile. Not in terms of maturity, but in the fact that it can only be indulged in as someone without responsibilities. Being depressed as an adult sucks. I have obligations, there is no other option but to progress forward no matter how hindering depression is. I can’t sit around all day like I used to as a teenager, I have to get a job and support myself and my partner. I hate that I have to actually consider my future in a very real perspective when all I want to do is sleep all day. Inside I feel perpetually heavy and empty, like there’s a consuming void leeching on me at all times. The pain is immense and incapacitating – yet the worst part is that I’m not allowed to succumb to its effects. You might say it’s a good thing that I’m forced to move forward – to get out of bed everyday, to find a job, to socialize with those close to me, yet the fact that I have to makes many days feel unbearable. It genuinely feels like a battle everyday and one I can’t ever escape since the conception of my adulthood. You know what I’d really like? To just sleep for the entire day. Yeah, I’m not physically constrained to obeying my personal duties – but when I don’t I feel even more guilty on top of all this shit I feel. I love sleeping, but whenever I do I feel like I’m wasting my life and compounding the stress I exert on those I depend on – I’m a fucking leech. Whenever I don’t talk to the one person I’m close to I feel like they interpret that as me ignoring them. I don’t want to ruin the only relationship I have so I’m forced to invest effort into entertaining them. Not saying I don’t enjoy it, but sometimes it’s hard to socialize when I just want to lay down and isolate. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but guess what tough luck I have to. Me and my partner are like $1200 in immediate debt, $1000s more in debt that is to be paid over time and without significant pressure to pay it. I can’t feel sorry for myself like I want to, I have to pay that fucking debt and going through the motions everyday is the only way to do so. I wish I could pause time, you know? Just have everything freeze so I can get my shit together without compromising everything. But nope, that doesn’t exist and it sucks.

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10 comments

rocketman 4/20/2016 - 7:39 pm

russo, Not quite, depression is an equal opportunity disease, doesn’t matter who you are.

Cordless 4/20/2016 - 7:41 pm

For once I agree with rocketman.

russo 4/20/2016 - 9:15 pm

I didn’t comment on the susceptibility factors of depression, obviously there is no ubiquitous bias.

Morris 4/20/2016 - 8:10 pm

What an inconvenient truth.
1) Life costs money.
2) No money = No food, no electricity, no place to stay.
3) Too depressed to work and earn? Be depressed while sleeping on the sidewalk and pissing your pants.

I realize that nothing I wrote applies to people with a safety net. If you’re still basking in the warmth of the family nest or mooching off someone else’s dime you can’t relate. Pay your own way through life then see if depression corresponds with self-sufficiency.

theWhispersOfMySins 4/20/2016 - 8:59 pm

Hey, been awhile…nice to see you are still around yet hate that it’s on a suicide site, ya know? And you are right that it is not easy to go from being able to being semi responsible (most teens) to fully (adult) when you have depression. But you recognize it and have a support system. You can do this.

russo 4/20/2016 - 9:18 pm

thanks WOMS, it’s good to know you’re still around too. I appreciate the sentiment

saudade07 4/20/2016 - 9:35 pm

it’s always nice when an sp veteran returns to post.

dividebyzero 4/21/2016 - 1:22 am

Yes and no. Depression is depression no matter who you are. Whether you have responsibilities or not doesn’t make you more or less depressed. I get that if you have depression, having responsibilities as well can make it harder to deal with. I also get that often a routine such as a job can keep depression from spiraling out of control.

DeathGreeter 4/21/2016 - 2:12 pm

Hi, stendarr. It’s refreshing to see you’re still lurking around tho in a less fortunate place. You probably don’t remember me but I’ve always enjoyed and appreciate your own style of sarcastic, funny and witty with well intellectually designed thoughts.

Sentiment aside. I do have you agree with you that life’s always seemed to be this way, either it’s with depression or different kinda paths that you take or just whatever the fuck life decides to throw at you. It can NEVER be perfect but you can make it feels like it’s perfect with the different kind of mentality, emotions, perspectives and whatever works. Now, I’m not trying to be pessimistic nor optimistic, my insight remains neutral. Depression is depression as others have putted, different surroundings, emotional, psychological states are the major factors that can worsen depression but result remains.

I’m really sorry hear life continues goes down the drain even after years has past. It sucks to the degrees that no word can describe. I know exactly how it feels. This may or may not be the last time we shares conversion. I wish you the best to whatever the future to be.

youwillneverknowme 6/3/2016 - 10:18 am

keep going (I feel like a dick for saying that – I’ll just restart)

I seriously hope things get better for you, I honestly can’t relate at all as I’m still in high school but just know that I care. (gah, I could have just not have written a comment at all).

<3 good luck.

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