- So I’m a freshmen in a collage prep high school. I’ve suffered from depression since 6th or 7th grade. I have really bad anxiety and I’m extremely self conscious. IVe just been under a lot of stress and stuff and been thinking about self-harm and suicide. I think both are terrible things and I would never put my family through it but yet almost everyday I’ve been thinking of ways to kill my self. I know I haven’t got the guts to do it but I can’t stop my self from thinking about it. Nobody knows I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and I’m not one to talk about my feelings but I don’t know what to do. I have a terrible fear of people judging me so I’ve never told anyone or tried to reach out for help. So this is my first attempt. I dont exactly know what I expect. I guess I just need to express my self. But anyway. I’ve never done self harm, like I said I think it’s stupid and doesn’t help and just leaves you more broken then you already are, but lately I’ve taken out an Xacto knife and just held it to cut my legs. I don’t have the guts to do it and if I did I don’t know if I would or not. I’m scared that I would though. I’ve been thinking of calling the suicide prevention hotline but I can’t make my self do it. It’s really hard for me to talk about how I feel. Last Friday, I was really nervous and anxious so I took my pencil and drew a smiley face on my hand. But I kept tracing over it till it kinda went through my skin. I know that that was self harmful and I don’t know what I was thinking at the time or what to do. I usually draw smiley faces all over my homework or papers just to kinda get over my sadness but it doesn’t help all that much. I honestly am scared of myself. I have been thinking all to much about how I’d kill myself if I had the guts and wouldn’t feel grief. But it seems like my pain and misery will never end. If I was to kill myself, I’m not to make it clear, I’d overdose on sleep pills. I honestly can’t deal with the stress anymore. I’ve eve thought when would be the best time to kill myself. It’s gotten out of hand. Being an introvert. I’ve thought of every out come to a conversation about things and I think about how conversations could or could’ve gone. I’ve thought about the suicide conversation with my school councilor, I can’t do it. Cause she’ll see me and only think about my depression and suicide. The conversation with a hotline I’ve thought of many times. I don’t have the guts to do it, but I know I got to talk to someone. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I would like to get on pills for depression but that would mean I’d have to tell my parents. And I’m not ready to do that or have that conversation. I’ve thought about waiting till collage when I’ll be going to the Drs on my own and getting my own drugs from the store and whatever, but I don’t think I can wait that long. One of my teachers said something about how what happened to you? You were an all As student and nos your B- and s bunch of other crap about how I have a problem. I know she meant well but I was having a terrible day and she had raised her voice and it just killed me inside. I literally wanted to go to the bathroom and break down crying. By the way that was 3 months ago and it still hurts me so much. But I had been depression free for 5 months before that. And that with a combination of other little things had brought it back. My mom like 2 months previous to this said to me that I was definantly depressed many times which made me start to believe that I was. Truth be told I had been the happiest I’d been in years, no joke. I think because I was actually happy and not trying to cover up my depression I seemed less happy cause I was trying so hard before to conceal it. But I would drop hints occasionally before when I was in deep depression that I was depressed but no one picked up on it. But yeah. I kinda feel better getting this off my chest and sharing it. This was kinda hard to be honest. But I’m glad I did it. I just hope it all comes to an end.
2 comments
I know I have the courage to end it, I just worry about failure… imagine how painful, embarrasing and depressing that would be? Although im on the brink of it it seems like you still have a chance. Im not saying you should tell your parents because frankly I wouldnt do it but maybe tell a really good friend? I hope you prosper 🙂
I hope you get through it @newdanny21. I know I’ve taken the pills out to swallow and thought about what would happen if I just threw them up and was just take to the hospital and it didnt. Kill me. I’ve mostly thought about what would happen when my family found me. Yeah I honestly get sick of the thought of talking to someone about it. At least on here I feel like I can express myself without being judged.