I’m dying inside. I am falling further into the dark abyss where my coping skills no longer help me function. I am calling my doctor in the morning, if he can’t help I’m done. I just don’t have it in me to keep this fight up. It’s hurting everyone I love. Everything that is living that comes across my path is tainted by my diseased mind. Of I’m going to cause pain and destruction anyway, I might as well do the final deed so they can mourn and move on. They may feel it’s selfish, but it’s the least selfish thing I can do at this time. I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of hurting the people I love.
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I can’t really get your situation just from this so I’m probably not the best person to comment but I see no one else has so I’ll comment on what I can… what I do know for sure is your family will never “mourn and move on” they will never come to terms with it or except you are gone, their pain of losing you will stay with them for the rest of their lives, everything will remind them of you, every occasion they will miss you terribly and hurt so bad I can not even put in to words cause I have never lost anyone to suicide but Id guess its a greater pain then anything we’ll ever experience. that doesn’t make any of us selfish for leaving, we all have different coping mechanisms and reasons and some just don’t last but, if your reasons are because you’re tired of hurting people you love then id say leaving is probably the most hurt anyone could bring. ring the Drs in the morning make them aware of the urgency, go to a walk in centre, sit and wait do what you have to do to be seen :0)
I have major depressive disorder. My husband has threatened to leave when it gets really bad. I have attempted before. I feel like if I just quit fighting my family would at least not have the constant worry. The constant financial burden. The constant hope crushed when I tell them I need help. The same inpatient roller coaster. They deserve better.
I am sorry to hear that, Maybe you need to make him leave before it gets really bad cause when it does you are going to need someone better then that by your side and also YOU deserve better.
I’m not going to be a hypocrite, we are all here for the same reason of wanting out so I can’t say all the typical cliché things like everything is going to get better cause if I genuinely believed that then I probably would have never ended up here myself but, I don’t believe you are a burden to your family, their worries, finances and hopes that they have invested in you is cause they want to, they want to help you and see you get better or live as comfortably as possible.