I’ve had a long week. My mood has been so up and down all week but I hope it will end on a good point. I’ve been contemplating going back on meds for my depression and anxiety. Mostly for the anxiety. I tried to get help a year ago. Guessing my doctor ignored my depression questionable that the nurse filled out for me at my last physical. They want me to go back to my therapist I guess. I sorta wish I would but I can’t bring myself to do it. The thing is I know I have a balance but am not sure how much and I’m kind of embarrassed because of it. Another thing is that right before I decided to quit therapy I had hit a wall, wasn’t making any progress and wasn’t caring either. I have reached a point where I believe I probably need a little help. I’m starting to become horribly bitter again. Then the thoughts start up again, how I’m better off dead. They started up again when I first found this site, back in February, I was so depressed and obviously suicidal. I hadn’t been in that type of mindset to that extreme in a good 7-8 year. I’m really not sure the thoughts ever went away, I just fell into self medicating, mostly alcohol. The issues continue and I just feel trapped I guess. I’m mellowing out as the years go by but the shit still gets to me and I am aware I’m being vague, not in the mood tonight to write out every damn thing that’s got me thinking this way. But I do want to thank everyone who reaches out to help. That’s why I like this place. People get me.