I started a new job today, my first full-time job in six months. I wish I could give it a chance, but my mind won’t let me. So many times today I asked myself why I dragged myself back into this grind when three months ago I was so ready to just say fuck it and end it all. I feel like now I’ve just taken on more expectations and added a whole new set of people I’m probably going to let down the next time I have a really bad couple of weeks. Part of me clearly doesn’t want to give up, but the rest of my brain is telling me I foolishly got my hopes up and sooner or later I’m going to pay.
I know I would feel differently if I had some sort of drive, or thought I had a decent chance at a meaningful life, but I don’t see a reason to think that. The things that lots of people find meaningful – family, love, relationships – are exactly the things I want to get as fucking far away from as I can. And despite all my dreams of finding a perfect job, in real life there are no perfect jobs, even the best jobs have a lot of drudgery. So it’s just grinding for five days so you can maybe enjoy yourself for two, plus dealing with family obligations and other bullshit. I can’t say there’s anything I really want out of life that would make that seem worthwhile.