Hello darkness my old friend.. (Long rant, post, vent, shit thing..)

You’ve come back again, and here i am again.. i thought last time was the last time that’d id post because i was officially out of the shit hole i was in.. i have a feeling there are going to be more of those situations to come in the future, maybe this will be the last time.. Hopefully the light will shine sometime soon.. For those of you still hanging on, i fucking envy you, you guys are the strongest people i probably know in my life right now.. I mean I’m still hanging on, but running on fumes, i don’t know how you guys are but in all honesty i just hope it gets better.. For those of you that have made it to the end of the tunnel, and reached the light, ya mind sharing some over here? I can’t see shit.. Any way i really admire you guys too.. You’ve reached your destination and are still proceeding to look back at the hole you were in, and help pull people out.. you guys are awesome.

Right now, life just stinks, i am trying to get out of the place i am in right now and.. It’s hard. I am in the process of getting a license but its taking forever.. I know i’m close to the end.. But i don’t know if i want out of this house i built half my life in anymore.. I think i just want out of life.. i mean think about it, you get rid of one problem and another comes. Is that life? Is this what life is all about? I don’t want that… i look at so many people everyday and see them laughing and smiling with there families and there kids and apple pie and whole 9 yards i mean it all looks so perfect.. I managed to talk to one of those strangers the other day, i have no idea the conversation caught on but it eventually ended up with me telling him congrats on his new family and life and you guys look so happy and cherish it, its a wonderful blessing etc. Turns out the is on his way out the door.. Leaving his two kids and wife.. brand new fucking family and just up an leaving.. Because he doesn’t want to deal with it.. He was only 20 something and he figured he had them to early and he wants to go and live life.. sorry fucking excuse but Jesus what a tragedy. It was all smoke and mirrors the whole time, everyone is carrying burdens. No one I’ve met is at peace with anything. I have heard a shit ton of stories, everything from beating up their dad to committing suicide.. That last one honestly doesn’t sound like a bad idea because life doesn’t sound like it gets better at all.. I don’t know if I’ve said this before but it used to just be an idea in my head.. “What if i just ended it all?” i would ask myself.. Every time a bad situation would come, it would go straight to that.. Now it’s “How can i kill myself without anyone knowing?” or “What would be the most painless way too go?” And i just sit there and think it through. I’ve literally already made plans, and am taking steps, baby steps but i’m taking steps. It’s so tempting to leap… But i don’t have the guts to do it.. i cant go through with it, im to much of a fucking *****.. I’ll just randomly say, i am a firm believer in God and hope and destiny and we’re all here for a reason and all that.. But everyday i wake up and i think why did i? Why did i today? What is so important today that i have to be alive.. and nothing happens either.. so i guess i was meant sit in my house and do absolutely nothing but feel depressed. I can’t think of a reason.. This is a really long post so I’m going to just stop here.. I’m sorry if its really long, if you made it through, please don’t just skip this.. Just please answer me, is anyone fully out of the woods yet? If so please help me out.

Also please forgive me if i make errors or at times make no sense or contradict myself in this post, i was just writing whatever came to mind so if you have any questions because you were confused or something than just ask and I’ll clarify.

Thanks.