I don’t know what this is

I don’t hate you, I promise. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just don’t know why I keep pushing you away maybe you’re just too nice. It’s been so long since I’ve had real emotions and you brought that out and now I’m scared. My dark thoughts visit me while I’m lying in bed, hoping I don’t wake up the next morning but for a while now it’s thoughts about you that whisper in my ear before I sleep. I know how much I hurt you this past week and you probably hate me. I don’t even blame you. I’m not even sure if you’re on sp but I just need you to know that I don’t hate you. I get butterflies in my tummy every time you sit next to me and whenever you smile and I don’t want you to make anyone else feel that way and sometimes it hurts so much to see you laugh with other people but then again, its my fault for pushing you away.I’ve seen your cuts and I know you’ve noticed mine but we chose not to say anything. I know you’re suicidal too… I don’t know why I keep being so mean to you. I know exactly how horrible it will make you feel and just saying sorry won’t help. I guess its just because you scare me because you made me feel things that I haven’t before. Because you understand me so well. Because you know me a little too much. We’re not even all that close but you know me more than the best friend I’ve had since 7th grade. I’m just confused…I don’t know what I’m feeling. I can’t tell if I’m still numb. I’m more than just sorry for all the things I’ve said to you.