The word “invalid” fascinates me. Someone who is an invalid is somehow considered not valid; not worthwhile; not truly a whole person.
I feel invalidated by most people in my life. They simply don’t understand the physical and emotional struggle I face just to get through another hour; another day of this miserable life.
I am expected to help my mom because my dad just died. I say OK. But I really just want to scream “leave me alone, I want to join my dad” My sister and mom have no idea how close I am to suicide. How close I am to total insanity. I can barely write 2 coherent sentences of the medical shit I’m supposed to be writing to earn a living (I am a freelance writer but 75 percent of my work is for a medical liability insurance company.)
But I hate every minute of my life. (With the exception of admiring my pansies).
The way I see it, death is one of two things:
- Thing 1: it’s complete nonexistence and non-awareness and freedom from pain
- Thing 2: it’s “my heaven”, which is being surrounded by billions of pansies in colors I cannot imagine.
(My dad used to say “thing 1” and “thing 2” whenever he was outlining a solution. So I do that in honor of his memory.)
The truth is: I don’t want to be anywhere. I want to stop “being”; to stop existing. I want to be nowhere and to be nothing. That is “No thing.” It makes sense for someone who is in-valid to become no-thing. That’s the way I’m treated and that’s the way I feel.
Thanks for being a safe place to share. Please help me. I am close to edge here.
21 comments
I chose your heaven with all the beautiful pansies. I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. Sharing here brought me back from the brink a few times in the last seven months. I hope it can do the same for you.
Thank you hazy for the encouragement. Would you believe I found this website through Siri? I was really upset and I said “Siri I want to goddamn die.” And Siri search for those words and led me to this website. I’m still not sure who’s post had those exact words in it. Yes my pansies make me smile.
How old was your dad? The flowers look good. If you have the space to plant a bed or a garden you should make your own little heaven on earth right in your backyard or in the woods if you dont have the property. When I was a kid my father and I did alot of gardening while my mother built a flower bed you could get lost in. We lived on an area with alot of silt and very little topsoil. My pops would pick up elephant manure at a nearby zoo and through some experimentation after a few years he had a nice layer of rich black soil. Good memories
Thanks for the reply. My dad was 85. He died after a second bout with cancer. I’m feeling really sad today because it is one year this week that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And I realize that I never got to see my dad after my treatment. We never got to hold hands as two people who had cancer. It creates a strange sort of bond.
As for my beautiful pansies, I live in a rental so I prefer to plant in pots. There’s a nice dirt bed in the backyard, but I can’t see it from my window so there is no point in spending money on it. It is also an effort for me to water and care for my flowers because of my chronic pain. I did notice yesterday that a few pansies have seeded right on the edge of my cement patio. They are growing on the edge of the lawn. The owner of my duplex is loves flowers and I asked him to try not to mow down the pansies. But I think I will just wait for happen to get my special pansy place. I also love Alstromeria and hydrangea.
Thanks for sharing my love of flowers. They are the only thing that makes me smile anymore.
Were you close, you and your dad? I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering, my grandmother dealt with breast cancer also. You have beautiful pots of pansies, and I hope one day you find your endless fields
It’s beautiful that you want to be surrounded by pansies.
In my personal version of paradise, I imagine a seaside cottage with one lemon tree in the yard, and a flower bed full of stargazer lilies.
I imagine the “perfect” husband, and he and I would walk hand-in-hand along the beach, looking at beautiful seashells that got washed ashore after a storm.
Here’s hoping both of us someday get to have the paradise we dream of.
That sounds nice. I’d like a waterfall along with my pansies.
I used to believe in the biblical heaven but I don’t anymore. Since I’ve found hell to be right here on earth, I can’t fathom a hell that is worse. I also just lost faith in God after too much chronic pain. .
I told my dad when he was in his last few days that his dog Hershey was waiting for him and that he could rub her tummy forever. Because surely all dogs go to heaven and it wouldn’t be heaven without our dogs (and cats too).
Well I suppose I’ve put off going to be long enough. Sleep is good but it means facing another morning. I’ve decided I’m not going to look at my email or texts until after I’ve showered and had my stretching and relaxing time. It seems something always upsets me.
Thanks for the reply and sleep well.
I also deal with chronic pain and disability, and I know how it gradually wears a person down.
Here’s hoping we both find peace and health someday, somehow.
A waterfall does sound beautiful. 🙂
Hey, no way are you invalid, not at all. I was just looking at your flowers and thinking how pretty there are. Spring is such a beautiful season because so many flowers bloom then. You’re growing flowers, giving them life and sharing that with other people. That is definitely something to be valid over.
Thank you King. That is a beautiful message to wake up to. I appreciate it. Hope you have a good day. ??
Oops. Those ? Are supposed to be flower emojis. Guess they don’t work here.
Thank you too 🙂 It is a much better day than I had yesterday; I actually felt like eating and took my tea out in the garden. That’s a shame that the flower emojis don’t work but I shall imagine them instead!
What do you have in your garden. Maybe you could share a pic. Would love to see it. ???
Trying some emojis again just to see it they work.
Aw, they still don’t work, bummer! At the moment, I’ve got irises, primulas, ribes and my pride and joy, my bluebells! (I hope this works and the pic appears!)
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/IMG_3896.jpg
Awww, it was a link but the bluebells are in the link.
I posted a pic of my bluebells but the comment is awaiting moderation. I think it is because it has a link in it (that goes to the bluebell pic). Wasn’t sure how to make pics appear in the comment box.
I will look for it tomorrow morning. It will give me something to look forward to. I so dislike going to bed because it means I have to wake up and do morning all over again. Mornings are just hellish.
But I’m just so tired I can’t stay up any longer. I hope you have a good evening or day if it’s still day where you are.
Ah, it appeared! I hope you like it. What time zone are you in? I’m in British summer time so it’s midday here now. I hope you slept well 🙂
King: I don’t see the flower. Is there a link? I thought you were a Brit because you mentioned taking your tea in the garden. I was up tossing and turning last night. Finally slept hard and awoke with a painfully dry mouth. Another morning to drag through. I just have no energy even after sleeping. I am in west coast of US. I hope you sleep well. Hope I can see your flower at some point.
We had a rare thunderstorm last night and I feared for my babies so I moved them to shelter. I thought there might be hail but there wasn’t. Anyway. Hope to talk again soon.
Aw, I don’t know how to make the pic appear. I have the bluebells uploaded here but I can’t get them to show up as an image. I tried both or [img] but neither are working in my draft versions.
Not being able to sleep is horrible. I sleep better in the day and wake up at night, usually. I have a friend from the west coast; she is 8 hours behind me. I bet you get nicer weather than we have here in England 😉 Glad you didn’t get hail though, I can’t stand that. It scares my cat with the noise it makes!
Done it! I had to make my own post with a pic of my bluebells in.