oh lord, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore
I got way too drunk last night because I haven’t been able to eat anything all week. Only had a few drinks but I was still stumbling
party hopped across the city, ended up a drunk crying mascara and nose running whimpering mess in my (extremely recently) ex boyfriend’s roommates room with amazing and way too nice friends holding me. broke down because I found out he had taken a girl home last night even though we broke up less than a week ago (1.5 year relationship, pretty long time for a 21 year old)
took my friend home, stumbled into MY roommate’s room crying (second night in a row. just trying to be consistent here) sat there for a few minutes, locked myself in my room with a knife. i bled on the beautiful white sheets that my mom bought me. I haven’t cut in years and I woke up (still drunk) to see a long line all the way down my forearm. i was going for my vein. i wanted to bleed
I didn’t do it because he broke up with me, I’m not that kind of crazy, I’m the kind of crazy that has been depressed for years and years and years and finally thought she was getting better and finally was truly excited about life and not just trying to trick herself into believing she was excited. I did it because I never came to terms with losing my dad when I was 13 and being raped at 19 and because I hate how I have all these sweet caring friends who just want to help and be there for me and how my mom sent me flowers when she heard about the breakup and I just want everyone to stop spending money on me and stop spending emotions and energy on me I feel so bad. this post is almost as much of a mess as I am sorry about that usually I feel like a graceful writer. but I’m still shaking from a long run this morning and the blood on my sheets and I didn’t know where else to turn and I want to help all of you beautiful souls get through the day but i realized i don’t even know how to survive the next hour.
skimming through the last few paragraphs I feel even guiltier because I know from reading some of your stories that you have been trekking through literal hell and I’m just a privileged selfish potentially narcissistic white girl who can’t figure out how to behave like a fucking normal rational healthy person and who can’t get over things that happened almost a decade ago. I feel like I’m burning through my parent’s money being at college and I’m praying that I make it through my major and get a well paying job so I can give back to them because they’ve given me so much i need to get out of bed and get to the library to study but I am so weak and dizzy and I can’t get the fucking quinoa down my throat I tried calling emergency after hours mental health services last night but I got scared and hung up the phone while I was being transferred to a counselor
my mom had so many miscarriages before she was able to have me. so sorry you’re stuck with me and not one of the other ones.
sorry SP for this rambling stream-of-conciousness mess. I think I just needed to say some of this and wasn’t sure where else to turn. You are amazing people. You are so strong. You support each other through the hardest of times. You look out for each other. I want you to know that I read your posts and they touch my heart and I want to reach out to every single one of you and give you a hug or a sympathetic ear or a drink, whichever helps you. I want to be there for you. thinking about all of you.
guess it’s long sleeves for a while.
6 comments
I’m really sorry about how things are right now. There’s no reason for you to apologize about anything. I can’t imagine some of the experiences that you’ve been through, You are also quite strong… perhaps much stronger than you think.
Hi, thanks for your comment and kind words. I really appreciate it. Haha thanks for also taking the time to read that hot mess up there. I hope you’re doing well
I hope you realize that you also are amazing and so, so strong.
I can’t imagine dealing with the stuff you had to deal with. Yeah, I lost my dad too, but I was 23 and I still cry myself to sleep because of that, so, believe me, no one expects you to overcome those kind of experiences, it doesn’t matter if these things happened ten or twenty years ago.
You don’t need to apologize for anything. Your pain is as valid as anyone’s pain. Your struggles are as real as anyone’s.
You went through so much, I’m sure you’ll get through College and get a wonderful job and reach your goals.
The path to recovery is treacherous, so please, try and get some help when you feel like you need it. You will relapse, we all do, but please, stay strong and keep on fighting.
Take care of your wounds. Stay calm. Eat something. We are all here for you. Reach out to me if you want to talk about anything.
I’m sorry about what you’re going through. You matter as much as anyone else.
vieve,
you sound like you have your shit together!
And doing all the normal things a person does after a break up.
Stop thinking of cutting no.1
Men are animals! they think about sex constantly! has nothing to do with love when they first meet another girl how could it?
you will find another and he won’t want damaged goods, So get over it and move on.
pretty bad answer i guess? but reality is a *****. just accept it.
Hey, if you’re a narcissistic white girl, so am I.
Even if you did do it because he broke up with you, first, he’s an asshole, and second, it sounds like you really loved him or something, so I don’t blame you.
Please don’t continue cutting again though, I’m not going to say it gets better because honestly, I don’t think so, but I’ve cut for a really long time and can’t get out of it. You have no clue how many dates I have turned down and told the guy, “you shouldn’t want to be with me, I’m too fucked up”