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I Lose…

by Zetsumei

I lost the game. She really does hate me now even though, my depression and apathy were the causes for why I pushed her away. I guess I deserve this fate… A fate worse than death or Hell… A living Hell with only one escape. It’s fine. I was tired of fighting sanity and life, anyway… I’m moving my date to tonight.

Goodbye, everyone.


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forgotten 4/21/2016 - 6:31 pm

Hey zetsumi , I was just to leave sp butI cant help it if you posted a suicide note.I feel like a need to talk to you.I know it could be heartbreaking for you to get over her.time will heal your pain and hopefully you will find another girl who understands you and stand by you in your worse times.
With lots of love ,
Your friend

whiskered-fish 4/21/2016 - 7:04 pm

What did you do to make her hate you more?

noneedforaname 4/21/2016 - 9:16 pm

Hey don’t throw your life away for someone else, you’re will to throw it away for one person when there’s so many more that need you here, I know it sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about but I do, I’ve been married and divorced and thought it was the end, that I would never love anybody else that much, but I was wrong, I did find someone I love actually more than her, and she loves the same, please believe me, you’ll find you’re happily ever after, but I’m willing to bet you’re young and if you are, don’t rush it, it’ll come naturally, I promise

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/21/2016 - 9:44 pm

Zet: I’m so sorry you are in this state. I know holding your hand will do little good. I can keep you company while you walk away. Sometimes I think I was born too soon.

rocketman 4/21/2016 - 10:27 pm

Zetsumei, i told you! So don’t be so surprised, i was a bad bet from the beginning! forget it and carry on.

kamidaka 4/21/2016 - 10:47 pm

So this is it :c try to reconsider, people here care about you. And I agree with rocketman, it was a bad idea from the start.

distant.road 4/21/2016 - 10:56 pm

Lots of good advice here, my friend. We’re always here for you.

Zetsumei 4/22/2016 - 1:05 am

Assuming she hasn’t blocked/deleted me yet, if she wants a reason to run away, I’ll give her one! I’ll tell how much of a monster I really am! A bloodthirsty beast that wants to murder its own family and can’t feel any remorse for its thoughts or actions!

Tch, to think the only reason I told her I was depressed was because I thought she would understand and realize I don’t intend to be a “whiny (annoying) and stupid (selfish, self-centered, suicidal jerk) asshole!” I trusted her to realize I was asking her to not let go as I’m hanging over the dark abyss; to help pull me up when I’m too weak to! To be honest, I’m disgusted with myself that there is a small part of me that still thinks she will save me and loves her enough to even die to protect her…

nepheliad 4/22/2016 - 2:35 am

If you say all of that to her now, you will definitely regret it later. My non-expert advice would be this: if you want her around, you *CANNOT* talk about how badly you are doing. That will only push her away, and deep down that’s not what you want. You want her in your life – so don’t give up and self-sabotage. Instead, if she reaches out to you and wants to chat, try to forget how badly you’re feeling.

Focus on her instead. Everyone loves to feel like the person they’re speaking with cares about them enough to really listen, and that they will remember what they tell them. So you have to make the conversation about her. Be friendly, be supportive, don’t be pushy, don’t talk about your depression. If you can tell a joke or two and make her laugh, she’ll start to relax. Be a fun person to hang out with, be interesting, don’t be clingy, don’t have high expectations. Be there for her when she needs you (not 24/7 though, make her wait sometimes too, because your needs are also important)… and depending on whether she still has feelings for you or not… well, you just might pave yourself a road back into her life.

*The key is to make someone know they can rely on you.*

Only talk about yourself to further the conversation (or if she asks), but keep it light and breezy (unless she gets into something deep). Even so, RESIST any temptation to unload your issues on her. She is NOT your therapist and trust me, she will resent it if you act like she’s the source of your problems, or that you will fall apart if she doesn’t want you in your life.

So *Be Chill, Be Fun, Be Kind, Make her feel special, Listen to her… don’t be self-absorbed… keep some distance and act a little enigmatic… and you just might win her back. Good luck.

claritee 4/22/2016 - 2:47 am

Jeez I could have used this advice myself…

Zetsumei 4/22/2016 - 2:49 am

Way too late for that… If you told me that 3 years ago, things might be different now. As for now, I’m already too far gone to be saved. The ONLY way I’ll stop hurting others is by dying. As long as I live, I will continue to hurt others since I can’t care. Even though the actions I want to do portray my true feelings, I can’t show them. Every time I open my mouth, the words either come out wrong or I just end up hurting her again… I doubt she would care no matter what I said at this point. Even if I used the most beautiful sonnets ever.

nepheliad 4/22/2016 - 4:23 am

🙁 I know how it is when you want to be on good terms with someone but either you keep fucking it up, or they upset you, or when you try to be nice, they shut you out.
However, it is possible to change if you try to be self-aware of your actions and your triggers. For instance: if you’re already in a bad mood, don’t talk to anyone who might inflame you more – explain that you need your space and wait until you’re feeling calm.

It may or may not be too late with this ex – I can’t say because I’m not her. If she doesn’t give you a chance, this doesn’t mean you won’t have meaningful friendships and relationships in the future. Learn to *know yourself* – understand where you went wrong and how to prevent that from happening again (or if you do slip up, learn to apologize, because a sincere admittance of “I’m sorry, it was my fault” can go a long way).

We can all overcome dysfunctional patterns of behavior, thought and action if we set our minds to it, just as any of us can master new skills or adopt new interests. The potential is there for improvement, so if you are your own worst enemy – fight back against yourself. Be kind to *you* and forgive yourself for making mistakes. We all do.

Sometimes we look back later and realize that what we thought was a mistake turned out to be for the greater good, and maybe broke down some emotional walls (so to speak), so don’t beat yourself up. *hugs*

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