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I miss you

by CaptainMarvelous

It was almost magical, the way we met. We had talked online occasionally for a few months before, on and off. The day before she went back to school from spring break, she told me where her home was. Only a 30 minute drive from where I lived. We immediately decided to meet. When we met we exchanged stuffed animals. She thought I was going to take her to Taco Bell. I ended up sharing a plate of pasta with her in a restaurant, then brought her home where we watched a movie. Her head was in my lap, and looking deep in each others’ eyes, we shared our first kiss. When I brought her home I lightly touched my lips where she had kissed. She looked back at me, giggled, and waved goodbye.

Over the next few months we talked a lot. She had a habit of not staying in contact with anyone, friends and family included, but she made an exception for me. I was someone she “never knew she wanted.” She wanted to be with me forever. She wanted to have a life with me. At least, that’s what she said. We had an incredible year with nothing but happiness and love. She was a virgin when she met me, and she felt like she could trust me with her first time; the first night we made love, she was shaking. She was having second thoughts. I told her she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want, and showed her a present I had gotten her: a beautiful coat made of velvet. I wrapped her in it and kissed her. Immediately, she stopped shaking. She relaxed. When we broke he kiss she looked in my eyes and told me she wanted me to be her first, she was sure of it now.

We had an incredible year. I introduced her to my friends, she ingrained herself in every part of my life. She accepted me the way no other girl ever had. I told her about my past; being abused and used by many girls, sleeping around and not having serious relationships afterwards. Most girls bristled when I told them. Not her. She took my hand and said it didnt matter, she loved me. I let go of my past. I let go of the resentment and anger. She showed me I could love fully. She was my soul mate. At least, I believed so.

i found out she had depression by accident. she accidentally left an empty pill bottle in my house and was terrified id leave her. I just said she had to be truthful with me. She said she would never lie to me again. She seemed to have it under control so I didn’t hound her any more about it.

The night before it happened she talked to me for five hours, a bit longer than usual. I thought it was just homesickness, since she had just gone back to school. There was no fight, no page argument or slammed doors. No shouting or screaming. A nice, everyday chat between lovers, so I thought. The next day I was walking out of a grocery store after buying a sandwich. Valentines decorations were just put up and I thought about how I’d surprise her. The taste of the sandwich was still in my mouth when I got the call from the police station. I still taste it whenever I eat now.

“are you her boyfriend? Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”
“yes” I didn’t worry about being in trouble.
“did you two have a fight? Did you two break up?”
“no, what happened? Is she okay?”
“no, she is not okay.”

They couldn’t tell me any more. Only family members, which I was not. I looked up news in her area. “College age girl involved in an accident.” Could be anyone but I knew. Deep in my heart I knew. I got confirmation from her parents that night.

the next few weeks and months were a spiral of self destruction. I have delusions she is still alive. Sometimes I still do. I dug into her life. Her parents were abusive and contributed to her suicide but she never told me. She had had attempts before but her parents didn’t help her. It explained why she only left me a suicide note and nobody else.

I am still devastated. Every day I think of ending my life. She was the one. The girl is been searching for my whole life. It feels as if my soul, my very being has been torn out and my body just wants to join it. I hate her for breaking every promise she made me. She was mine and I was hers. It was how it was supposed to be. I love her more than anything in the world. I want her to come home to me. Come home to me so we could have the life we dreamed of.
The last thing she ever said to me was “I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Can’t wait.”
Im still waiting. and I still love her.

I am still suicidal. It’s not getting better, I’m just getting better at hiding it. I have the plan formulated in my head. I know what it’d do to people around me but I hurt so badly, my life is over, what do I have to live for? If there’s an afterlife I can go find her and we can be together forever like we said. If there isn’t then I’ll have gone to sleep forever. Sleep is when I hurt the least anyway.

I had just found my reason to live and it was torn away from me. She told me to find someone else, that she was easily replaceable, but then said over and over how much she loved me. What do I do with that?

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8 comments

nepheliad 4/28/2016 - 7:20 pm

This story is heartbreaking. :'( I am so sorry for your loss.

HERE4UOK 4/28/2016 - 8:09 pm

Dear CaptainMarvelous –

Heartbreaking. Yes. I truly am sorry for your loss.
Since you’ve so kindly shared your testimony with us here in a rather lengthy manner, please let me ask you to take the time to read my response, which will be a 3-fold. Deal?

Sadly enough, I have seen first hand a very similar story, and it is unfortunate to see good things come to a screeching halt like in your case. But I’m about to tell you a few things that I hope will help you think with a little more clarity.

#1: First of all, MOURN. It’s natural, expected, and necessary. Give your self enough time to mourn, to flush the gross of the bitterness of losing someone you love as much out of your system as you can. We’re with you all the way…

#2: Secondly, don’t be mad at her. We are all bound to make mistakes. The human mind is unpredictable in times of despair. Think of this:
– How do you know she hadn’t made her decision far before you two met? In the case of the other couple I knew that went through this, she had decided that her goal would be to leave this world once she had found love. A relationship where she loved and was loved. Then she’d feel whole enough to depart. And she did. This is where you need to realize and be ever SO GRATEFUL that you were the one who presented her with the love, appreciation, and understanding she wanted, needed, and deserved. Her eternal thoughts were (and are) for you above all else.
– It isn’t easy for those who have suffered to trust. Especially when you have found a certain level of stability, serenity, a bit of normality in our lives, to talk about the issues we have struggled with because of fear, because we’re afraid that we may ruin a good thing contaminating it with a confession… She kept her struggles to her self because she loved you, Captain. But the truth is, she may have continued to have nightmares, to finding herself waking up from her daydreaming of you to the thought of those moments in her past that could have very well continued haunting her. It’s hard, mate. You know that personally, don’t you?

#3: What about you? What now? You’ve mourned, you’ve yelled at her thought, you’ve cried a river over her leaving you alone… or so you think.
Captain, although it’s not very nice to do this, I must. So here you go: sometimes people that come into our lives are either like the flu, or a vaccine. Don’t make that face reading my words, it’s true!
We have those exceptional people that come into our path and suddenly rock the ground beneath our feet, and you feel like you have gallons and gallons of newly found blood pumping through our heart, our brain, and our entire body, and just the thought of their voice or face, or watching their number come up on your phone make you smile like a monkey on a poster and you race to pick up the call…
…and then they’re gone. And the lights go out, and the room goes quiet, and the beating of your heart sounds more like a countdown every-single-f’n-day…
I’ve been there myself.
Captain, this is when you have to honor their time. This is when you harvest the fruit of that piece of their life they so graciously shared with you. They didn’t leave you alone. SHE didn’t leave you. Every time we touch somebody, little cells from their body mix with our own. When we hold each other, when we kiss, when we make love. So she’s in you. She isn’t gone. And you have her memories to prove it.
She came into your life to show you that just like you two were good to each other, there are more people out there not just waiting to come into YOUR life, but waiting for you to come into theirs, and that is the greatest gift she ever presented you with: proof that hope is real my friend.
Go out there and live, it’s the only way you will honor her.

Take care.

MissDysphoria 4/28/2016 - 8:52 pm

What you two had was very special, and just between you. A relationship that beautiful is hard to come by and I’m glad you got to experience in what I consider a miracle. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that. I’m sorry for your loss.

bloodstainedlips 4/28/2016 - 9:03 pm

This broke my heart. I’ve been searching for someone on this site, or anywhere, that could understand exactly what I’d been through. Your story here is the closest thing I’ve found. It’s devastating how similar this is to what I experienced, or what was inflicted upon me. I am so so sorry for your loss.

noneedforaname 4/28/2016 - 11:15 pm

My friend my heart is broken for you and unfortunately I have been through the same thing, so let me share with you. I have posted this before and a few people here know my story but I’d like to tell you. You see in 2001 I lost my wife, my high school sweetheart, my first true love, and the mother of my children, I also lost both parents who were still in they’re 50’s, I lost my oldest son in 2012, my first granddaughter in 2015, my nephew over dosed on heroin 2 days later while living at my house, and I lost my grandson about 10 months ago. I got remarried and for the most part, happy. My wife divorced me though and I don’t know why, I got laid off and would be homeless if it wasn’t for a real good friend. Now I’m not trying to out do you because I can’t, your loss is terrible, but just like me, you can get through this. You have your whole life ahead of you, and people will come and people will go in and out of your life. Sometimes it’ll hurt and sometimes it won’t, but please think of one thing because I had to. I want you to think about your pain and hurt, and anger, now I want you to think about the people in your life that are going to feel the exact emotions that you are now. It may not seem like it now but you will mourn, and then you will heal, and then you will move on, you see unfortunately the living has to go on living. But remember one thing and this always help me, ” she’s no longer suffering, and she’s at peace ) and depending on your belief s., you will see her again. I know now that it seems like the end, but it’s not. You’re young so this is just the beginning, instead of giving up, go out there and try and make a difference in other people’s lives. I try and who I do it’s pretty rewarding. Just know that you are loved and needed here with us. I wish you nothing but the best for you in your life.

HERE4UOK 4/29/2016 - 9:13 am

@noneedforaname
Extremely well said. I’m one who lives by the premise of “I prefer to live like there is a God and Heaven, and find out in the end that there isn’t, than to live like there isn’t only to find out in the afterlife that there was.” I couldn’t take the guilt knowing I could’ve been and done more that I did in life…
So I am glad to know your family reunion when eventually you cross over, noneedforaname, will be so full of love and people you care so much for… but in due time.

@CaptainMarvelous
Little more I can tell you. Just know we’re for you. Read my user name. I stand by it.

suesyd (dot) nomore (at) gmail (dot) com

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/29/2016 - 1:50 pm

This story was so wonderful. All the love you felt. You feel. I don’t have any easy answers. It doesn’t get better it just gets different. All I can say is walk forward.

HERE4UOK 4/29/2016 - 5:47 pm

@Hazy Day Sunflower
Beautiful. So true. And great advice.

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