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I’m Okay

by Ylem

It feels so nice to say these words and actually mean them.
“I’m okay.”

I just came out of the psych ward today. It wasn’t bad in there. I met a few souls whom I spoke to and connected with on a very different level.

I know I’d been saying all along that the one thing I feared most was being admitted there and being seen by my classmates. But when I was there, I actually didn’t give a fuck. I was there to fix myself.

I’ve made a decision. This is a very serious and important decision for me and I hope I stick to it. No more attempts for me. I’ve played around with pills, knives and a rope long enough. I’m putting them all down.

My family takes priority. I know I should say ‘I’ take priority, but I feel I’m not deserving of life. I have this life to better their lives. When I will actually say I want to live for me? I don’t know. Do I want that day to come? Idk.

I feel free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I need to thank someone for this.

Mr Angry… Thank you. I don’t know how you’re doing with all the shit you’re carrying for me. But thank you.

I can breathe again. My head is clear. Suicide thoughts are still there, but not as intense. They are right at the back of my mind. Pain is still there, but I can see something beautiful beyond it.

I feel alive again. I don’t feel like a Zombie anymore.

I’m not sure where to from here. I guess right now I should take things slowly. Go easy on myself. The most important thing for me right now is studying for an exam I have in 2 weeks time. I’ve already missed about 2 weeks of school. I have a lot of catching up to do. But I believe in myself. I truly believe that I can make it. I’ll put in as much effort without over-exerting myself.

I CAN STILL DO THIS!!!

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41 comments

Drowning 4/7/2016 - 4:01 pm

Nice to hear your out 🙂 twin

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 4:24 pm

Yep, I’m back hope and I feel better. I needed to relax. I was under too much pressure. Glad I had you by my side my twin. You know I always need you.

Shephard 4/7/2016 - 4:16 pm

Outstanding.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 4:23 pm

Shephard.. Where the hell have you been hiding? Awesome to see you’re still alive and kicking.

Btw… Do you remember the 3 year deal we made? Well, I’ve tried breaking so many times. Didn’t I tell you I might? But you were nowhere in sight to save me. I’m mad Shep….. 🙂

Shephard 4/7/2016 - 4:28 pm

I’ve been dealing with life and other such travesties, so you have my apologies for being absent. I’m very happy to see you’re still around and I’d been checking back on you every now and then.

I had this faith in you that something within your very soul would guide you back in time, and it would appear that I was right to have that faith in you. You can get mad at me, but know that I’m happy that you’ve found your way back and figured out a path forward 🙂

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 4:59 pm

Well, since you asked so nicely, you are forgiven. Thanks for having faith in me, Shep. I had lost all hope. Stopped believing in myself. Weak and broken beyond the point of repair. Or so I thought. I hope this lasts a little longer this time. Keep having faith in me. It seems to be working somehow 🙂

Just hope things your side haven’t been too hard. How’s life treating you?

MyNiceSuicide 4/7/2016 - 4:25 pm

Ylem, your story is beautiful and you are very strong. I think you are doing right choosing to be fine and let all the rest happens in its time.
Deal with things day by day is wise.
Be fine there! 😀

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 5:07 pm

Thank you MyNiceSuicide.
Day by day. Taking it easy. Hope I don’t fuck it up this time around. I’ve realized I’m my worst enemy. I should stop this war I have always been fighting with myself. Give myself a chance. Give life a chance. Take things slow and watch as things slowly fall into place.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 4:26 pm

*home

whitetiger 4/7/2016 - 4:28 pm

you are amazing! I’m so happy to here and I hope that someday you will be staying here for you too, and believing that you DO deserve a life!

whitetiger 4/7/2016 - 4:28 pm

hear. not here. oops

mindlessgamer619 4/7/2016 - 4:47 pm

Lem, I’m so glad to hear this coming from you. Just know that anytime you wanna talk about anything, you can email me. Love you so much. I’m rooting for you all the way. 🙂

Your (other) twin,
Trey, the mindless gamer <3

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 5:04 pm

Love you too buddy 🙂
You are a darling Trey.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 5:03 pm

Whitetiger, hello. I have to apologize to you for not giving you attention. You are always here for me I’ve noticed. Always offering an ear. Sometimes my head gets stuck so far up my ass I turn a blind eye to kind people like yourself, giving out a helping hand. I’m grateful for always being here for me. Your support always strengthen me. Thank you.

whitetiger 4/7/2016 - 6:05 pm

No worries! 🙂

PhantomCitizen43 4/7/2016 - 7:43 pm

Its nice to hear that you are alive and that you are putting the suicide ideation AWAY.
I have done the same. I used to want to end it really badly > but I have figured like you > that its not the way things are supposed to go for us.
I have been hanging in there and I am glad that you have been hanging in there too.
Keep on Keeping on. Life can be good.
You can chat with me anytime my friend.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:14 pm

I haven’t felt like this in so long Phantom. I’d forgotten what it even feels like. I’m trying to be positive. This might not last, but I’ll ride it out as long as I am feeling it. Hope I don’t crash too soon. It was talking to real people that changed my mentality. By real people, I mean people in the psych ward. They might as well be SP’ers as well. SP always helps me out during a crisis. That’s why I love you guys so much. Thank you.

DoubleZero 4/7/2016 - 8:00 pm

Hello Ylem! We may not know each other, but when I first came here a few days ago some people where asking about you, so I worried as well.
Reading this makes me feel SO happy. Like, I’m honest to God smiling, I feel happy for you and for me and for everyone who may have a chance to keep moving forward.
Taking things slow is wise, I think. I may follow you up on that one.
I’m sure a bright future awaits for you.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:07 pm

Hello Doublezero. I’ve seen you around as well. Just wasn’t in the right mind space to say anything. But whenever I saw your name, I just thought… 00. I wanted to do that since I first saw your name. I feel like a kid right now.

Thank you for worrying about me. I’ve worried a lot of people in the past couple of days, both IRL and on SP. I’m sorry people. Btw… Do you mind if I call you… 00 🙂 that is so awesome. I feel like doing it again. Bye 00. I like you already 00. 00, why did you pick that name?
Okay, now I’m really annoying. I’ve missed feeling like this. I’m smiling as well. Cheers 00. Okay, that’s the last one. 00…. :D:D

DoubleZero 4/7/2016 - 9:12 pm

Please, DO. I started drawing “00” everywhere, so, YES, be my guest.
Well, the name “Zero” was taken, so, I choose to make it double. Double meaning as well. It can mean that I’m a zero when I’m feeling down, or it can mean that I can start from zero whenever I feel like it. ALSO, Zero, Jack’s dog. I’m a big Tim Burton fan.
I LIKE YOU AS WELL!

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:18 pm

00… You are making me smile. No… I’m fucking giggling. I feel like such a kid. I LIKE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!! (Okay, now that was weird.) But who gives a fuck. I’m adding 00 to my friend list. Wait… Does that mean the friend list remains the same?
Undefined… Help me out buddy. You’re a math geek as well.

DoubleZero 4/7/2016 - 9:27 pm

YAY! I’m giggling now as well. Who cares? Let’s be friends! You’re SO on my list right now. I read somewhere that “zero” is a ‘place holder’ between 1 and -1, so it has that value. Anyhow, combined with others I may add something, so, put me on that list!

dividebyzero 4/7/2016 - 9:49 pm

A zero can also mean a root or solution (in the case of a polynomial) so adding a zero can mean adding a solution. In the case of a DoubleZero, it would mean adding a solution with multiplicity 2.

I like you guys.

mindlessgamer619 4/7/2016 - 9:53 pm

but, but Zero = Double Zero = Triple Zero…
Don’t tell me you all are the same person!?
:O

DoubleZero 4/7/2016 - 9:55 pm

Ok, dividebyzero, you’re added to the list as well.. Love you all, guys. ?

mindlessgamer619 4/7/2016 - 10:06 pm

I’m waiting for the genius with the tag DoubleZeroSeven.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:34 pm

You are definitely on that list 00. And since there are no minuses on my list…. That means you are at the very top of the list. So YAY to that!! You are of great value to me…

whiskered-fish 4/7/2016 - 8:23 pm

I am so, so incredibly happy to hear this Ylem! Grinning from ear to ear, and SO relieved.

I have so much confidence and faith in you. You CAN do this!!!

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:10 pm

I have faith in me too fellow pain lover. I can do this!!!
But I’m bunking class tomorrow. Just came out of the hospital people. Give me a break!!
I feel so good right now. Am I alive or what?

whiskered-fish 4/7/2016 - 9:17 pm

You sure are, Ylem. Enjoy your well-earned day off! 🙂

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:36 pm

Yay!! Fuck School!!

Disclaimer: this is not applicable to persons under the age of 18.

mindlessgamer619 4/7/2016 - 9:42 pm

XD that disclaimer

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:50 pm

Kids should stay in school. Don’t listen to this overly joyful soon to crash and be extremely suicidal with a knife on her throat lunatic. I’m enjoying the high for the moment.

whiskered-fish 4/7/2016 - 10:10 pm

Well, I’m glad that you’re enjoying it, even if it’s temporary. 🙂 Live in the moment!

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 10:21 pm

YOLO
OR You Only Less Suicidal Once (YOLSO) I guess??? 🙂

whiskered-fish 4/7/2016 - 10:40 pm

Good one! B-)

dividebyzero 4/7/2016 - 8:32 pm

Wow! I’m really happy to hear this. Good for you! You’re a very strong person and I’m rooting for you.

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 9:01 pm

Thanks Undefined. I might make it through April after all. Maybe even the whole year or 10. Who knows?

mindlessgamer619 4/7/2016 - 9:39 pm

@dividebyzro, I have not one told you this, but I really like your tag “diviebyzero”. Undefined. you could also be infinityoverinfinity if you wanted 😛

Ylem31 4/7/2016 - 10:05 pm

Okay, then that means 00 is double the solution with multiplicity 2. 00, I knew you were sent by the gods. I have double the problem times 2 anyway.

(that just absolutely made no sense, but I’m posting it anyway.)

DoubleZero 4/7/2016 - 10:07 pm

I don’t know if I’ve been sent from heaven, but I sure as hell will double my efforts to solve your problems if I have to.

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