It’s been a while. Things were going alright. Had a lot saved up. Then everything went to shit all at once. So as people who have read my posts in the past know, my life was almost… good. After years and years of torment, struggling and finding inner strength I didn’t know I had.
Story time. My ex (not my ex fiance), who will remain unnamed, ran into me at college along with her husband and her kid. They were excited to see me as we had remained good friends, and hadn’t seen each other in quite a few years. I was invited to their apartment where I was suckered into a drinking game. I ended up passing out. Nothing happened. No puking on the floors, no fights. I just passed out. The assholes decided to get rid of me by calling a hospital. Their own words- they knew I was fine, they just wanted rid of me despite being the ones convincing me to drink. Long story short, I lost months of hard earned savings in one night. I still owe more than $3k of the hospital bill I had no choice but to receive due to our broken system. They effectively ruined my life.
Shortly after- very shortly after- my new and very expensive phone was stolen, and some glitch is preventing its data from being wiped. So I’m down my phone. The very next day my car breaks down and I’m forced to drop out of college. Now I’m not useful to my room mate and he’s talking about kicking me out on the streets again now that I can’t give him rides. My family couldn’t care less. My friends couldn’t care less. I’ve learned that the most important bonds to me that I’ve had for years were nothing but jokes. I was used, and I was the man everybody turned to when they needed me- yet they took it beyond just taken, they deliberately ruined my life for the fun of it. After YEARS of rebuilding my life, my family and my sanity. I can’t believe the amount of empathy I’m capable of feeling. I can’t hate them no matter how much I want to. I’ve changed too much for that. In the past my hate would fuel me, and my hate is what drove me to prove everybody wrong, to continue living and to actually amount to something. Ironically it made me a good person, the one I am now. The one that no longer has the strength to recover.
I’m back to wanting to die and be done with it all. One of my best friends cut me off for no reason at all. It’s not some stupid ego speaking, I legitimately did nothing wrong to him at all. He just cut me off on a whim. I’m not only back to being alone, but back to being broke, and this time with no job, car, phone, home, or any way to better myself, as I can’t recover without those prerequisites. I already smell like shit. My clothes were stolen by a friend’s sister and her vile boyfriend. I don’t know what to do and I just want out. Soooo bad, and I may actually do it this time. Did I mention I was diagnosed with leukocytosis as well? My white blood cell count is now off the charts, and my red blood cell count is next to nonexistent. It’s known as a prelude to cancer, which runs in my family. You’d think at 22 years old I wouldn’t have it this bad. Anyway, peace out. I’m done bitching. Have a selfie.
18 comments
Hey i thought I’d let you know that i read your post. I’m sorry that everyone has been so horrible to you. This must be hell for you. I cant really fathom why people are so vile but its such a common occurrence.
You aren’t bitching.
even that these people are horrible to you, you still are unable to hate them
I think you are a very kind person who has been treated like rubbish (a common occurrence…)
Are you able to get to a homeless shelter?
I hear the hospitals in the US are expensive (i don’t live there).
Thank you for your response. I read them all and just knowing people listen helps me, even if it’s only slightly. I feel totally screwed. I haven’t hit this level of depression in years. As of right now I’m still in my apartment, but I can’t pay rent or make myself useful here anymore. The only thing keeping me from being homeless again is the one friend I have left who’s actually trying to keep me on his couch. It’s leading to quite a bit of tension with the others here though. I feel like an absolute parasitic leech, despite how many times I’ve stuck my neck out for others. They owe me, hands down- but I don’t see life that way. I feel like helping is simply the right thing to do. It hurts still that not even the good deeds of my past weigh heavily enough on them to convince them to do the right thing and help me back.
Again… I’m not self-entitled. I just don’t understand. I’m at my lowest. I can’t fathom how I’m such a horrible person as to receive this kind of treatment even now.
This is how people are. You are not a horrible person. You are a kind person who has been treated badly.you’ve given so much, you are right to think you would deserve the same kind of help in return
Thank you. Maybe nepheliad is right though, and it’s wrong to even want to be helped. I don’t know. What I do know is that my outlook on life, of hard work, empathy and companionship is quickly driving everybody away. I represent a fairy tale to the friends I have left. I’m too much of a dreamer and it’s pushing them away, yet I refuse to change for them. I’m not going back on my ideals even if it kills me. I went through a lot to get here, even if it’s all falling apart again I’m not changing who I am. Ugh… it’s so confusing. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. It’s hard for me to post or reply here because I always feel as if I’m pushing more people away. I can see people rolling their eyes at my mediocre problems and my childish attitude. I’m so close to giving up. I’ll sooner give up and end it than choose who I fundamentally am.
I think people often make the choice of running away when they see things are hard for someone. They don’t want to help, they just want you off their hands. Maybe they’ll show up again once things seem to be improving. Everyone does have their own shit to deal with, but it does suck when you really want someone to be there for you, yet they’ve written you off and gone to hang out with others who are happily sailing through life. This feels especially bad when it’s someone YOU really care about and have offered to help when they were in an unfortunate position, or going through rough times. So, I don’t know. I guess just don’t have expectations? Maybe genuine best friends are an illusion? Who knows.
Honestly it’s too pessimistic. That’s how I used to think and I’m so done being that way. I can’t live as if I can’t trust anybody. It’s a matter of finding that person. I’m not unique. There’s somebody else out there that thinks similarly to me. Theory of infinite probability… there’s so many humans that I’m bound to find somebody with as much empathy and drive as I’ve got. I made it this far on my own and now I need somebody here for me.
I can’t name the amount of times I’ve put my head on the chopping block for my friends, and several times for strangers. Humans can’t be all bad. They can’t all just take and take and give nothing back.
Also, I don’t EXPECT anything from them. I WANT it… there’s a huge difference, and it’s nowhere near as petty as expecting compensation. The point I was trying to get at is that I would be immensely happy if they seemed to care enough to help me. Or even try, or even to listen to me, to let me vent, but that’s too much. The smallest thing is too much. I’m only here to give.
You can get over this i trust you. :((
-hugs-
Thank you. I try.
Hi, I’m listening. Of course I’m so sorry for the absolutely shitty situation you’re going through, but I feel like you might get tired of hearing that. So I won’t say it anymore. Unless you want to hear it.
But I really wanted to say, the part where you talked about how empathetic you are struck me. I feel the same. I know what a burden it is. I try hating people but end up crying for them instead. But hey, you’re right, that is part of what makes you the beautiful person that you are. You are so strong. I’m sorry if this post is a bit jumbled, I’m feeling a bit out of it right now, but I wanted to reach out to you.
I’m here if you ever need to talk.
I do appreciate hearing it. Don’t ever feel like you’re being a bother to me. Empathy is amazing to have. It just sucks that it leads to being used so much.
This is a weird example, but I wish the world were more like… get ready to laugh at me, considering I don’t believe in any religion, the Bible. xD There’s a part where a man gives and gives yet never breaks himself, because materials come his way. He can continue to be a great person without killing himself. I wish I could be like that so I wouldn’t have to rely on a reward to keep afloat.
Thank you for your comment. I’m here if you want to talk as well. Gonna start throwing my email around again too. The one I use for comms here is killerkrabs@hotmail.com. Have a good day. 🙂
(*hugs*)
I’m sorry for these rotten things that keep happening.
You don’t deserve any of it.
Sometimes awful things happen to good people.
Thank you. Just wish I could do more to help other people while I’m going through this. Reason being that’s what makes me happy. Thinking of changing my profession to counseling instead of comp sci… ironically what I wanted to do before becoming to cynical.
What a time capsule this has become… Cordless, are you still here?
Woah, you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. And I’m quite surprised you still manage to stay… kind. Your problems are quite overwhelming, and I’m sure I couldn’t not be mad and angry with everything and everyone. The way you put things, it gives me hope. Hope that you will overcome this, as well. I’m new here, so I don’t know you, but from what I read, I’m asking you, begging you, please, don’t give up just now. You’ve come so far.
You have bad luck, yeah (with situations, with people). But you’re so young. I need to believe that the right people are on his way to your life. And the best of luck, as well. You deserve it.
Stay strong, and stay good!
Hope… I can’t believe the amount of suicidal people that have told me that. Thank you. Maybe my life is hell because I’m going further in the wrong direction? At this point my luck is so horrific that maybe there is such thing as divine intervention- considering all doors to my path were shut.
Thank you for your response. If you ever need somebody to speak with, it’s killerkrabs@hotmail.com. Always feel free to message me.
You remind me a lot of myself, I get used a lot by people who are close to me, I’m kind of a door mat. And I can’t even hate them for it because I see why they do it, my mom abused me my whole life and I still can’t hate her. Just wanted to let you know I read and I can relate to some of this. It sucks to be knocked once you’ve started building something and trying to get better, but I believe you can get yourself to a good place again. It seems like sometimes when things go bad, everything goes to shit for some reason. I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but I believe in you. Strength to build yourself up when you’ve been down is one of the most admirable qualities for me. Hoping things improve for you, I also hope you find some true friends and people who are willing to give a much to you as you are to them. Selfless people often get the short end of the stick.
Thank you for your response, and I’m glad you get how I’m feeling. I’ll try again to rebuild… I just have no idea how to pull it off.