So, it turns out im an alcoholic… thats the first time ive uttered those words fully.. i wish i could sya i felt better saying them but what i know ive to do next is rather unappealing. after this weekend im going to stay off the whiskey, and off the beer and off the vodka and cider, not that i touch that swine piss, and off puteen and all that. puteen is any irish alcoholic drink, ranges upwards of 80% and is illegal to brew here, yes im an irish stereotype, a motherfucken drunkard. anyway, heres me enjoying one of my last drinks. i dont see how im going to do this if im being honest. every time i go to the shop i find a bottle of whiskey coming out with me but im going to try. ive conquered suicidal ideation.. whats a pesky all consuming drinking problem
Also @distant.road, ive emailed you, ages ago, check your junk folder
16 comments
You actually have legit reasons to be proud of yourself. My father is an alcoholic and after 20 years he still won’t admit it or reach out for help. Not only that you admit it, but you want change. I wanted to hear ‘I’m going to try’ so many times from him, but it never happened. Seek help as soon as possible. It gets harder and harder with age to quit. Not to mention along the way you will ruin every relationship you have. Not ruin. Destroy. Everybody runs from alcoholics. Yes, loneliness/isolation sounds tempting but once you’re tired of it (you will get tired of it, that I promise), you will try to apologize to your loved ones and one day they just won’t accept your apologies anymore. I know it’s hard, but have some mercy on yourself.
@magic gold dust. i apreciate you taking the time to comment. firstly i would like to say im sorry about your father. he isnt a bad person, merely trapped, in many ways i envy people incapable of seeing what is happening to them. whatever he says or does, this was never a failing on your part, his need to drink is his issue, i dare say having you as a child helped him stay going, no matter what take pride in the fact that as his kid, at some stage you helped him hold on, trust me on that. and as for ruining relationships? ive broken up with girlfriends and have lost my fare share of friends. my saving grace with those that are left is im still carefull as to who im around when im destructive drinking. Its just so hard to stop ya know, its like climaxing, be it by youself or with a partner, no one wants to go without that, and i still have enough self hate that this effort will be soley fueled by my determination, which is near none exsistant.
thank you for your comment my friend, you are new here right?
Peace & Love
Procel
Yes, I’m new. I’ve witnessed plenty of destructive drinking in my life. It’s an ugly sight. My father… he’s not a bad person, but from my point of view what he’s doing is extremely cruel. I’m usually a hateful person, but I can’t hate him. I don’t love him anymore, but I don’t hate him either. It’s so obvious he is sick. He’s not doing this for pleasure. He hurts himself on purpose and by hurting himself hurts his whole family. Many people have said to me to ‘run away’. This is what people do when someone gets sick. They run away. Even if I have no respect or love left for him, I am here and if he decides to go to therapy and I will support him. I know he is in so much pain, but he is suffering over things that are no longer present in his life. I’m hurting too. I want to be gone too. But I’m not using substances to ease the pain. I feel all of it. It’s not fair. It really isn’t fair. I know it’s a childish thing to say, but I am his child.
Don’t let drinking take over your life. It’s not worth it. You will lose precious people before you even meet them.
@magic gold dust (or slayer? i read your post too) i figured you were new when your comment went straight to moderation for no reason, it stops after a while. relationships with parents are often complicated for us to figure out, if they were just normal people in our lifes then different rules would apply but as a parent all those rules get thrown out the window. I think your father doesnt believe himself worthy of being happy, he is so consumed by his own demons he has forgotten his duty, or is incapable of seeing beyond his demons to his family. i dont agree with running away, you strike me as a strong person, strong people dont run, you have been forced to grow up faster than you should have been with a view of the world you shouldnt have to see and that has obviously affected youbut at least you have learned from your fathers mistakes, it takes unbelievable strength to feel all the pain and not bow to taking substances to ease it, you should be proud of that, not everyone has your strength. it isnt fair you have to go through this but with time the trials of your youth will forge you into a strong and good person, little comfort i know but you have learned from his mistakes and shall be better because of it
A lot of alcoholic fathers around fucking up their life. Well, we all make our choices. Anyway, quitting is never easy when it comes to any sort of addiction. Everybody deserves kindness and help along their way to recovery. I hope you find the needed motivation and strength to quit, because feeling dependent on anything or anyone always feels extremely shitty.
@Magic gold dust thank you for that, it means a lot. No one is beyond saving, never can be. Your father still iant a total lost cause, have faith my friend
I also have an alcoholic father. He never admitted to me or my mother that he had any kind of a problem, but he did plan a surprise trip to rehab with his sister without mentioning it to me or my mom when I was a kid, so maybe he did acknowledge it, just not to us. Although it might have been nice to know because we had literally no idea where he had gone.
So I think it’s a huge step that you can acknowledge the issue (clichéd as that sounds, sorry). let alone saying you want to try to overcome it. I think that’s really awesome.
It’s nice what you said about being a child making him want to hold on but to be honest I’m pretty sure I made him worse. He and my mother were married for over a decade and he functioned pretty well the whole time, but everything started going downhill a heck of a lot faster about a year after I was born, and he had basically a 7-year loss of… everything. Doesn’t seem like a coincidence.
@4beyondhelp thanks for sommenting. i think with your dad the trip to rehab was a huge thing, even if it didnt stick it means he cared enough about ye to try and get help, and not telling ye about it is common. It adds alot of pressure to tell your loved ones and have them their supporting you. He didnt want to get your hopes up incase he failed, because failing is hard to take but disappointing those who love you and look up to you is a pretty hard thing to swallow.
Dont ever think you made him worse! he may have functioned before you were bron but everything comes to a head at some stage, it just happened after you were born. having a kid is stressful, theres so much to do, so much to worry about and plan for yes that can stess people, but thats every parent thats ever exsisted, but having the kid gives you a sense of love and comitment, that counters all the bad parts, no matter what happens a father will always love their child, even if they dont know how to express it that love is always there, my father, is a man (obviously) we dont do that touchy feely shit and it took me most of my life to realise that. that he loved me unconditionally no matter what. Fatthers just arent as adept at showing emotions as mothers are but they love us all, screw ups and all, so dont you ever forget that ur dad loves you mate
Props to you Procel, that is no easy feat you are about to attempt. Just be kind to yourself. Sobriety is a journey, sometimes you walk in place. In fact you walk in place a LOT. still, if you have decent scenery it isn’t all that bad. At least today.
@Hazy Day Sunflower thanks 🙂 it still amazes me how supportive this place is even after all this time. i think its going to be easier for me than most. Im still relatively close to the start of this drinking, well ive been drinking since i was 18 (im 22 now) but its only the last half year it got out of controll, so in that sense i dont have years of addiction to deal with so in theory it should be easier to kick than were i 40 and a heavy drinker. and if theres one thing i hate its being controlled by anything, so hopefully i shall shift this inconvenience without too much hassle
Thats huge to say that! In order to address your problems you have to view it as a problem and it will start to get better. It takes a ton of work and mental power to conquer these demons! We are proud of you!
@NeverFitting well its weird, i dont see it as a problem as such, i still enjoy the feeling its more that i know its something i shouldnt like and that it has many many bad side effects and that its going to screw my life up, but id happily stay doing it were the negatives outweighed by the positives, which sadly is not the case… i guess thats the definition of having a problem, god, i havent even started and im trying to find excuses to stop lol, this is going to be a fun journey. Mental power and work i can do, motivation is my problem, at the moment im in a good place, but apathy happens to be an even more persistant demon of mine than drink, but whats a good adventur without a few demons for the hero to conquer right?
@ Procel. I admire your analytical decision making. Weighing both positives and negatives on merit to influence your decision as apposed to using only emotion.
I wish you the best of luck but I really don’t think that you will need it. 🙂
@night In Atlantis thanks 🙂 ive never really been that into making emotional choices, they can be so messy
This is such a great step. Remember to lean on us. hugs.
@theWhispersofMySin thanks, i appreciate that, finding a welcome back here, especially among new users (and by new i mean anyone under 5 years here) and im glad to see your still here, i remember a few posts of yours from a dark time, im glad you found strength to keep going