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Late night vent

by Ijustwanttoendit

For as long as I can remember, I didn’t think life was worth living because everything in my eyes was absurd, then I met a guy, started talking to him and he made me feel loved, he gave me a reason to smile again, But on October 20th I got word that my nephew had committed suicide. I hit a new low. I was at ROCK BOTTOM. Getting that news was paralyzing. I felt like my dreams were ripped from my very hands, torn, and thrown in my face. I started to shut everyone out including the guy who was my light for several months. He didn’t understand the situation and got very aggravated with me, things blew up and we broke things off, with the hope of getting back with him in the future, when my family would ask about him it was easier for me to say he got locked up for distributing drugs (he sold cocaine) then to actually tell them what happened. After that and the loss of my nephew, I was in the worst state of mind I had ever been in I couldn’t hide the feeling of despair that had been clouding my mind for years. My crying and negative thoughts got so out of hand that my mom would plead with me everyday to get help, and I know that when she would leave me she was afraid that it might have been the last time she would see me alive. I didn’t see change for a very long time, although it was getting easier to keep my feelings at bay until I was alone. In Late February I dropped my mom off at a bus station and hugged her tight because I had a plan, My mom was going on a five day cruise and would be back the following Friday and I was to pick her up from the bus stop, except i wasn’t planning on picking her up, I was planing on jumping off of the exit of I10 onto 410 the Night before she got back to Texas just so she’d get the news when she was on land and able to come back to San Antonio as opposed to being in the middle of the ocean helpless. I don’t really know what stopped me that day, but Right now I wish It hadn’t, I wish I would have driven up to that overpass and jumped. It’s taking me everything I have not to catch an uber or taxi up there.

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mato42 4/14/2016 - 6:57 pm

I’m sorry you have to feel that way, but maybe there is still a shed of hope which is stopping you? We’ll meet out loved ones one day when we leave, one way or another and we will always feel their presence, whenever they are around or it’s just our memory of them.

Losing close person hurts, especially when they depart so suddenly, so forcefully. I still remember the last time I shook a hand with my grandfather so many years ago. We never shook hands. It was as if he knew his time was coming. He didn’t die of old age but of illness, rather young. I had 16, maybe 17 years at that time. I and my brother had the best of our childhood thanks to him. No matter how things sucked, when we were dropped at his home 10 hours car ride away, we knew our time would be amazing. He was such a great person and he definitely didn’t deserve to die so young, not that way, not that time.

Losing someone hurts so much. But sometimes there is nothing you can do. Sometimes you are left helpless. Please try to remember all the great times you had together. When you were smiling, what made you laugh. When you were having fun, when he was happy or when you two simply connected. Maybe talk about it. About how you miss him. About how you feel. What memory resonates the most?

If there is no one around you who is willing to listen, we are. I am.

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