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Loner

by nuclearbackpack

I’ve just come back from a long late night walk  [UK]  on a Saturday night [weirdo uh?].  Just to try and beat the massive psychosomatic anxiety for a while.  I am incredibly lonely,  the only people I talk to are my aging parents.  The world is a terrifying and unforgiving place for meek people like me.  The isolation is slowly sending me insane.  My parents know I’m deeply depressed but not that I crave death. I feel I live in a world full of happy people who will never understand or feel the pain people like me do so they will never understand or empathize.  The envy I have for their relative inner peace is total. You can’t help but take it all personally.

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tryingtohope 4/30/2016 - 8:54 pm

HI Nuclear: I am sitting here in West Coast America feeling much the same as what you just expressed.

I can’t go out walking because I live with chronic pain. I am isolated from everyone because nobody wants to hear about my pain. Nobody wants to hear how miserable I am.

Earlier today I sent an email to my sister that I wasn’t available today. “I am beyond depressed” is what I told her. But did she do anything? No. She never even asks how I am anymore because she doesn’t really want to hear about it.

So please just know that you are not alone. Some of us do understand what it’s like to not want to live; to just be surviving every miserable day.

Many of the people who pretend to have inner peace are lying to themselves and everyone else. And perhaps that is one reason they can’t bear to listen to people like us who are honest about the reality of life.

So I don’t have any great words of wisdom other than to tell you you’re not alone. I hope that helps.

nuclearbackpack 5/1/2016 - 10:01 am

Thank you. Actually I sent my estranged brother an email saying I was suicidal just two days ago. Didn’t even reply. Assuming he hasn’t blocked me and did receive the email he guess he just does not care. That is how it is nowadays, even members of your own family do not care.

rivets 4/30/2016 - 9:32 pm

Your name reminds me of Radioactive Toy by Porcupine Tree.

I don’t think most people have inner peace – otherwise, why would the self-help genre be such a big thing? Many people make it a habit to try and project the appearance of inner peace in the hopes of finding it through the mere appearance. Fake it ’til you make it. It’s no wonder corporations can so easily use that insecurity to sell products.

I guess what I mean is there are a lot more people who can relate than you might expect. We’re all atomized now, living in our own mental spaces all the time. That feeling of isolation is probably ubiquitous throughout modern society. The only thing we can really do is come together and try to support one another.

EmptyPluto 4/30/2016 - 10:01 pm

There’s a lot more understanding people than you’d think. I agree with rivets that most people don’t truly have inner peace. It’s easy, at least for me, to see through common fake smiles in people. I love Porcupine Tree BTW.

nuclearbackpack 5/1/2016 - 10:02 am

I love the Joke’s On You by Porcupine Tree!

EmptyPluto 5/1/2016 - 10:56 am

I love Hatesong.

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