Cerebral Atrophy.
“Generalized brain atrophy.”
http://www.healthgrades.com/conditions/cerebral-atrophy
It isn’t reversible. As you can read from that link, there is no cure, and no way to restore the lost brain cells.
Sometimes it can worsen into Alzheimer’s Disease, which is what my grandmother died of.
It was a hell of a horrible way to die.
Before it was all over, she spent years knowing NOTHING, and not recognizing anyone, not even her own children or grandchildren. The police found her walking down the highway in the middle of the night, carrying a towel and a bowl of potato salad. She couldn’t remember anything from one minute to the next. She could hardly even speak, and when she did, nothing made sense.
It was worse than death.
Worse. Than. Death.
Early-onset of Alzheimers can occur as young as age 15.
Also other lesser crud (meh) from the MRI:
“Pituitary Gland slightly smaller than average.”
“Subtle T2 signal is seen in the white matter marginating frontal horns and bodies of lateral ventricles.”
“Mild to moderate deviation of the mid-nasal septum.”
BUT, oddly enough….
Whatever tumor was there two years ago isn’t there any more.
It’s gone now.
Instead of that, the brain cells are atrophying.
Over the course of the next few months (starting Friday), I have appointments with ophthalmologists, neurologists, and endocrinologists.
Usually when I drive, I can see two of everything. What scared me when I drove home Thursday was that I was starting to see three or four of some things. Still having the memory blankouts, difficulty thinking of words when I speak, and more headaches than usual.
Cerebral Atrophy involves the progressive loss of brain cells over time.
If it happens slowly, maybe I can pass it off as age-related eccentricity.
If it happens more quickly, I’ll be that person you see in the supermarket parking lot dressed in fingerpainted aluminum foil, talking to the color blue while I sit on the curb and do interpretive dance in front of an empty french-fry container.
47 comments
*hug* *tears* im so sorry to hear that. Im at a loss for words. I hope there is something that can be done to at least slow the process down. We’re all here for you.
What I’m hoping is that this is one of those things MUSIC might be able to heal in some tiny way.
I went to college for music therapy all those years, and now I have this list of disabilities that make long-term full-time work impossible, so maybe I can at least try using my music therapy skills on myself. I’m hoping that if I keep my brain busy with music practice and composition, maybe it will somehow nourish the cells in a way that keeps them from deteriorating so fast.
It’s worth a try.
Plus, you guys would get to hear the things I wrote.
If you wanted to.
I think many, if not most, of us would like to hear what you’ve written.
Definitely.
I definitely want to hear more of your music. Don’t give up. There is anecdotal evidence that your outlook for a diagnosis impacts your ability to handle it.
OK. Actually I’m intrigued to see if this will change the kind of music I’m capable of writing.
Some composers wrote very different things after they developed mental/psychological/physiological conditions.
I’ve already noticed that my music is more bizarre and complicated than it used to be.
Whether that’s due to greater ability from experience, or from different neurological sources… your guess is as good as mine.
You ever think of releasing your music? You could always ahem *download* software to produce your own music.
In know you have a composing program but i mean with better sounding instruments and synths and the like.
You have a good head on your shoulders… and a good heart. There’s no doubt about that. Anybody who reads your posts here knows that. I’m sure that is the case in the ‘real world,’ too. I hope that you continue the way you are. There are many people who have surprised the doctors and went well beyond their diagnosis. Never lose hope. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m hoping it can progress just slowly enough for me to blend in.
The trick will be to find people even weirder than me, and hang around them so I can be seen as normal in comparison.
Dear God…I’m so sorry. I’m sure you’ll get sick of hearing those words soon, if you aren’t already. But I just…don’t know what else to say.
What can you say?
Cordless, I am sincerely praying for some sort of way to slow the process. This world would be a lot grimmer, and a lot less musical, without you.
Thank you.
😮
For sure Cordless..sing to me.
We should have karaoke night here at SP sometime.
I’m so sorry. I echo whiskered here – I don’t know what else to say.
I know; I probably wouldn’t know what to say either if it happened to someone I knew.
If this makes any sense, I appreciate that you took a moment to comment anyway despite not knowing what to say.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Just … dammit. Fighting back tears right now.
Please keep writing music. I minored in music in college. I just listened to your “Unsettling Dozen” and it’s really, really good.
Also know that you have an amazing heart.
I had a lot of fun writing the Unsettling Dozen.
I would never have written it if it hadn’t been for darkwillow’s challenge, so really the thanks goes to him for coming up with the idea.
It took about 4 or 5 hours to write, but it was time well spent.
Cordless, i’m weird, i believe that was good results, look everyone is going to die sooner or later, cancer, Alzheimer’s Disease, heart attack, so don’t worry about something that might happen some day, i know a lot of people that died of the last thing they ever thought was going to kill them.
True story this happened to me the other day, I wrote this to a friend as a matter of fact about 1 hr. ago
the other day i was driving at night to go get fast food chicken, near my house, i’ve been driving these streets for years, all the sudden i didn’t recognize anything! the streets the land marks nothing, i kept driving not believing where i was? and then i was at the chicken place! this was really strange, i couldn’t find my ATM card so i went to turn on the inside light, OK this wasn’t my car, it’s mine but i don’t normally drive it, i know where the inside light is, but i pushed buttons, over and over i couldn’t turn the fucking light on! i gave up, told the guy at the window i was sorry for the delay, finally found the fucking card in the dark. i felt very strange that night, i think i’ll sing a few song’s and see if i remember the words by heart, if i can’t then i’ll know.
the other day i was driving at night to go get fast food chicken, near my house, i’ve been driving these streets for years, all the sudden i didn’t recognize anything! the streets the land marks nothing, i kept driving not believing where i was? and then i was at the chicken place! this was really strange, i couldn’t find my ATM card so i went to turn on the inside light, OK this wasn’t my car, it’s mine but i don’t normally drive it, i know where the inside light is, but i pushed buttons, over and over i couldn’t turn the fucking light on! i gave up, told the guy at the window i was sorry for the delay, finally found the fucking card in the dark. i felt very strange that night, i think i’ll sing a few song’s and see if i remember the words by heart, if i can’t then i’ll know.
well i’m getting old who knows? i haven’t done the singing test!!! ha ha!!! but anyways what ever if going on is fine with me. something is going to happen sooner or later. that’s life. embrace it.
Well, everyone IS going to die, but not everyone is going to die from cerebral atrophy.
Remember that this isn’t a “maybe” or “might” sort of thing.
The atrophy doesn’t reverse itself. It’s already begun.
The only variable is how quickly it will happen.
Cordless, i printed the same thing twice!!! there you go!!! I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!! 🙂
THEY WILL BE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY!! HA HA! ANYTIME NOW!!! 🙂
I noticed! 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxVkAhto0Ag
you know that one! and so do i!!!! that’s scary! 🙂
Cordless, YES what ever it is, it is, believe me i lost more brain cells that aren’t coming back as well!! 🙂 you me everyone try to enjoy the time we have left. otherwise were already dead we just don’t know enough to lay down! 🙂
I’ll spend the time writing music, posting on SP, and occasionally drinking half a bottle of vodka.
How about you?
Won’t the vodka speed up the atrophy? Not trying to ruin your fun.
LOL! I have to admit I wondered the same thing.
I dunno!
They say alcohol “preserves” things…. 😮
Cordless…I’m at a loss…i’m so sorry…I wish I could trade places with you…
please do share your music!!
Please don’t trade places with me; I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
But hey, I’ll be glad to share the music.
If it gets to a pathetic point where I’m only posting audio files of someone crumpling up a sheet of wax paper while hiccuping, please someone say something. 😉
Cordless, I say the same thing about myself “I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.” But at the end of the day although i’m not perfect, i like who i am. when i pull the sheets over my toes at night I feel OK.
i like woman, i like to entertain, i like romantic songs, i like to drink, what i like in my opinion isn’t wrong and isn’t bad. i don’t hurt anyone on purpose, everyone can like what ever they want as long as they don’t hurt others, if some one wants to become a monk that’s their business, i won’t judge them either way i’ll even be happy for them, but i may not want to be them!!! 🙂
We would both make lousy monks, wouldn’t we? 🙂
Go on doing whatever you’re doing.
I’ll keep on doing whatever I’m doing.
At the end of the day, hopefully it will still be ok for awhile longer.
I’ll drink to that.
Cordless, Now that was the most intelligent thing i’ve heard!!!! i wish i said it!!! that could go down in the famous quotes section!!!! 🙂
:'( Cordless, as we can all see on SP, you are intelligent, creative, talented, witty, fun, compassionate… you shouldn’t have to suffer like this (or indeed like you have already with your health issues)… I hope you’ll experience a miracle and recover. Sending good vibes.
If a genie ever offers you three wishes, keep me in mind. 😛
Cordless, i like genie jokes! although i can’t think of one right now.
Well, I just woke up… I can’t fucking take this news.
Have some coffee first.
I got my coffee. Dude. I’m sorry.
Late per usual. Just came back from work all to figure out that these are your results.
What. the actual fuck?
This could not have happened to a more compassionate, fun, loving, musically inclined soul like yours….
This is killing me inside.. I’m so sorry it wound up like this.
All I can say is please continue to make music here. We love your music, but we all love you even more.. <3
Fml I want to cry….
Your number one fan,
Trey, the mindless gamer
I would also like to hear your music. You’re very bright and that’s something others will remember. When I was sent off to the psych hospital my roommate was a guy in his early 40s who had been in a devastating car accident in his early 20s. He’s a great musician but slightly limited and cannot work full-time. He teaches guitar and piano and I’m still friends with him to this day. I can hook you guys up. I’m sorry to hear about the bad news. I hope you can manage a positive attitude and keep it together
Wow.
A fate (potentially) worse than death. I’m sorry.
Some say that life itself is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate for those afflicted.
You can’t trust the experts, keep rockin’.
I’m sorry for your results.
I wish there were words that could change your result. I know im new here but I truly feel for you and your diagnosis. Sending hugs. And hoping you will get to pass it off as age-related eccentricity.
@everyone: Thanks for the support. Honestly I’m just going to hang in there and let each day be whatever it is. I’m going to try to write as much music as I can, or at least practice some Mozart on the horn every week. I honestly believe that music and sound can affect bodies and cells in ways that science doesn’t fully understand yet.
If it’s possible to make it work for me, I’m going to dive in head first.
(No pun intended… well, maybe a little.)
The rate of atrophy is different for every patient, so I have no way of knowing whether I’ll drop at 47 or 70.
If I end up being a crabby old cordless lady, you guys will have plenty of time to get sick and tired of me.
In the year 2026:
Lord: “So, SP-person, why did you kill yourself?”
You: “Sorry, Lord, but I just couldn’t stand hearing Cordless complain any more…”
Cordless, I am really sorry to hear of the bad news. BUT. Please try to keep your Hopes up and stay open minded. I have had Doctors tell me bad news and the bad news never amounted to anything. I had a doctor tell me I would never walk again. But I proved him wrong and got walking again. I also had a doctor tell me I had so much damage to my left hand after a nasty fall that I would never have full use of the hand again. But my hand miraculously recovered and I DO have full use of that hand now. So keep positive. Sometimes what these doctors say is not true. I believe in the power of the mind > I believe we can overcome obstacles and well. Your too much of an Angel to go away from us. So I believe you will recover from this and be around for a long time. I believe you are right that music and other creative outlet can bring healing and as I mentioned the power of the mind and prayer can bring healing too. So I again would like for you to try and remain positive and optimistic. Doctors often make mistakes…and I believe you are a strong enough person to overcome this without a hiccup. So as for me I am just going to BELIEVE that you are going to be OK… and that we all will be able to enjoy your awesome posts and your sense of humor for a long time to come
I wish you the best. I will be praying for you! I will be routing for you and if you ever need anything just email me!! HUGS HUGS HUGS
Good morning Cordless… or should I just say, morning, since it doesn’t seem all that good from the sound of your post.
Yeah, I had an aunt die of Alzheimer’s Disease. While it is difficult for relatives to watch (from the outside looking in), I’ve sometimes wondered what it would be like to actually have that disease and how perception would be (from the inside looking out). I mean, crazy as this will sound, there are a ton of memories I wish I could lose! Who knows, perhaps one even loses the fear of death during the confusion that Alzheimer’s Disease creates? I don’t know; just speculating here.
Seeing double, triple, and quadruple while driving is not only highly dangerous, but just the thought of it makes me nauseous! I’m a commercial driver. I’ve been driving professionally since 1983, and used to drive for Greyhound, but the older I got, the harder it was to see at night, so I had to leave Greyhound for a daytime driving job. I just couldn’t put all those people’s lives at risk. Nonetheless, regardless of hauling passengers or not, just being on the road can also jeopardize others, if and when our skills (visual or otherwise) start to wane. I’m at the point in my life where I’m seriously considering leaving the driving trade, but at my age, there isn’t much I can do. And yeah, there’s a huge possibility that I’ll end up a homeless, dumpster diving, hobo. Geez, and people wonder why I’m suicidal. Hahahaha!
I hope you don’t lose the ability to create music. I really love your music.
Well, I really don’t know what else to say. If I was there with you right now I’d just want to hug you tight and never let you go.
Jack