Welp today is my Birthday, also the day that very long ago I planned to kill myself on…. So far only about 3 hours in and it’s not going very well. I feel like I’m breaking a promise to myself if I don’t at least try, but I know it’s not an ideal time to do so. My father is dealing with a lot of things right now, and he doesn’t need to deal with this, also I can’t guarantee that my cat would be okay either. So I won’t. I can’t even sleep anymore, and probably won’t for most of today either. I slept for like 18 hours yesterday, I’m no longer tired. I was surprised I slept for so long. Had so many dreams about killing myself though, more than normal, I think they all were actually. Guess it’s a topic occupying a lot of my mind right now. On the other hand, yesterday I spent a little bit of time drawing, I suck at it now. Wish I had kept up on that skill…… I guess it was kind of nice though, although very frustrating. I haven’t cut myself for a few weeks now, I probably will soon…… I miss it, I want more scars I deserve to feel pain I deserve to be disfigured. I want to cut deep into my face, I want to burn it too, I want to scar it so I can never pretend to be like other people again. That may be my Birthday gift to myself. Grrrr I have to go see family today too (they for some reason insist upon it) and that’s late afternoon, I’ll probably be tired by then…… and I’m almost out of gas and buses are nowhere close so I have to drive. I have like $5 for gas which is more than enough, but it’s all in change, it is going to be so uncomfortable paying for gas in change, the person is going to hate me…… and by change I don’t mean all quarters either, it’s an assortment of every coin, 60 of which are pennies (as you can see I’m from the united states in north america -_- ) so that should be fun. But at least they will feed me, I haven’t really been eating that much, mostly because I don’t want to wash dishes, which makes it kind of hard to prepare food…. but that’s probably for the best since there is very little food left anyway. But eating a little bit of warm food should be nice, it’s a barbecue so I sort of hope that means burgers will be an item that’s made…… Wow this got sort of ranty, I think I’m going to take a quick shower. wow now I’m also starting to worry about the things for school that I need to buy too…. I wish I was a real person, or dead, either would work for me.
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It is amazing the amount of folks that practice better suicide prevention through cats. Cats and pets in general make breathing worth it many days. Personally I’m not a cat person, although there are three of them that have taken up residence in my home, one of which keeps insisting on squeezing herself into my drawing tablet box every time I take it out. It isn’t even a particularly deeps box, kinda pizza box shaped. It’s like she is just flying her middle finger at me every time I take out my drawing tablet. If she could she would actually give me the kitty middle finger. She most likely does when I turn my back.
But enough about the cats that live here which aren’t mine but seem to think I need to feed them. Your birthday Hu? I’d like to say happy birthday. I don’t know how old you are. I’m assuming pretty young since you allude to school in your post. I’m hoping that the fam gives you some cash in addition to feeding you burgers. That’s what I always wanted when I was younger and going to school. I’m sorry you are in this state. I don’t have a lot in the way of magical advice that will give you an aha moment aside from not setting yourself up by giving yourself deadlines. Death will always be there. The only sure way to die is to live. If that makes any sense at all.
Thanks for the wishes. And I’m 22 -_- feeling rather old…… surprised I lived this long. And those sound a lot like your cats 😛 one does not really always choose to have a cat, the cat normally makes that choice. My cat is actually terrified of boxes, which makes me sad as I love seeing cats in boxes, it’s my favourite thing 🙁 but she normally just hangs out in my room with me, which is nice ^_^
Hey Iris, I’m 50 (will be 51 in July if I last that long). Imagine how old I must feel. LMAO.
Imagine if you had a pet lion or tiger. You wouldn’t have to worry about suicide because the cats would kill you and eat you. Problem solved! Alrighty then… I’m off to the pet store to buy a lion or a tiger. Hahahahahahaha!
Happy birthday
Thanks 😀 I hope you have a good day too (that also goes for everybody, I just don’t say that with every comment all the time, I had other things to put there…. Yes I do reply to every comment, as it feels rude not to. Also it has the added benefit of making the comment counts even, which I will never object to ^_^ )
Happy B-day! Its nice to see you posting. But I feel for ya with some of the issues you are dealing with. That last statement you make. “I wish I was a real person or dead.” I can actually relate to that. I am a disabled man… and my disability is not only painful but it hinders me from accomplishing certain things in life. So ultimately I feel like I am not a real person at times… and well. Most of the time I do OK in dealing with it. But other times, I get really down on myself and I feel like you do. I feel like I wish I could be a real normal person or just be dead.
Some days I am happy to be alive > some days I wish I were dead. Its hard. Its a hard struggle to keep going sometimes. I feel for you > because my situation is similar
I hope you don’t cut. I hate it when people injure themselves with cutting. It just seems like that is way to painful and I don’t want to see people going through that.
But anyway. I wish you well.
Happy B-day
Thanks ^_^ also I haven’t done anything yet, I am sort of tired. So I think I will lay down for a nap soon, and by the time I wake up I probably won’t have time to do anything to myself. 😀 I’ve found distractions to be very good for that.
And that sounds terrible 🙁 I’m very fortunate not to have any physical problems (yet, they can always develoup) Also it’s sad that you feel the same way I commonly do 🙁 (I’m sorry but I don’t know what to say past that, I feel like I should but I have no idea…. I’m so awkward, sorry -_-)
Oh, by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.