I swear my head feels like the fucking bomb in Enola Gay…
I got buried in over my head in appointments, deadlines and the likes during these last few weeks.
Coupled with that never-ending nostalgia feeling, it gives me sudden sharp pains in my temples.
I was literally one step away from having a complete mental breakdown today. I woke up, and as soon as I noticed the dawning sun on the early morning sky, I started crying… Instantly. I bashed my head against the bed several times until I spent the only bit of energy I had at the moment and just stayed like that for a good 20 minutes, unable to cry anymore, but just clenching my teeth and breathing heavily and rapidly in extreme frustration and dread of the day ahead.
I don’t know how much more I can hide this… I’ve been having a lot of strange thoughts come and go, mostly at night when it’s quiet… Suicidal thoughts amplified to extreme brutality. As in, I literally get thoughts about stabbing myself in the ears with a shard of glass, or bludgeoning my legs with a sledgehammer until I bleed out… Sometimes, thoughts come to my mind that are of a violent nature… For instance, if I see a person on the street and I happen to look at them for more than a couple of seconds, I simply get a thought that’s something among the lines of ”I hope you burn alive” or ”May a rock fall over your head and cave your skull in.”. I don’t think about killing them, thank fuck I don’t have homicidal thoughts, but still, this is bad enough that I have thoughts that wish death to people I don’t even fucking know… I feel horrible afterwards, and there was even this one time it got so bad that I started whispering to myself in the bus station ”No! No! No! No!” and the nearby people noticed…
I don’t know what the fuck is happening exactly, but to me it seems like depression and stress have already stolen a good portion of my sanity from me… Not sure how much longer I can keep my mind in the safe zone before I start rolling on the pavement in the town square and get locked up in some white room…
Fuck I hope I can get through these last 2 1/2 months…
3 comments
Hi alex. I was wondering how you were doing. Thank you for the update. You seem to be struggling. There isn’t much I can do to help you aside from listening and acknowledging your struggles.
Thanks for leaving a comment. Really. I’m glad there’s one place I can talk openly without the risk of being locked up and drugged into a vegetative state, and that the members of SP understand it.
I will graduate/fail in July (still not sure which, but it doesn’t matter.). Bottom line is, I only got 2 1/2 months to go through, but it seems like the time is going a thousand times slower now that I’m approaching the end of this torment. Still, I try to be optimistic and think about what I’m gonna do once I’m on my own with no one to pile up on my ass.
The fact you are walking forward really kind of makes my morning. That you see a place you will be soon and it is something, if not perfect, at least manageable.