Revenge?

Sometimes I can no longer cope with anxiety and dark images/feelings in my head so I hurt myself, I waste time, I waste opportunities, I waste myself. I once was a rather clever child but now I am stupid distracted and numbed by all my fears. An ancient monster from the past, doing really dirty things. But I’m afraid of making him human so I did’nt ask for his name. My mother want this story to be burried and forgotten but I don’t no what to do. I hate him and I hate myself at the same time, and I wish he could fall and feel the pain of being sullied but I can’t expose the ones I love and I have no proof. So here I am, dreaming of revenge, full of evil I wish I could harm him or even more. And I feel so bad about being so hateful, I feel I’m stuck in a dead end situation, hating myself for hating him.