I’m curious as to what you would cut off and how that will make you feel better. It sounds like a very drastic plan that you have put some serious thought into. I hope you are just venting and not really thinking of going through with it.
I have a general idea. Mostly pieces of my arms. Some parts of my face. Was considering all of my right fingers, but I know that knife can’t go through bone, not in the least bit. In my class dissections, I’ve been able to separate digits from the joints before. But I don’t want to risk messing that up. I’ll also be taking off a lot around my stomach. I know how to shave that off with damaging any deep tissues, or opening up my abdominal cavity. Once again, learned that from dissections.
I don’t know how to make it any more clear how dead serious I am, rocketman. Sorry.
whiskered-fish, Sorry i went to sleep “passed out” last night, do not cut off anything! you need to tell me why you think such terrible things, i just can’t comprehend why?
Rocketman: I need to cut them off to be free. All of this disgusting dead weight…hangs on my limbs like a leaden coat. I feel practically, physically sick, all the time. And it makes me look hideous as well. I can’t look in the mirror without wanting to slit my ugly throat. I can’t respect myself, looking like this. It’s impossible.
My fingers I’d want to cut off because they’re evil. But I’m not going to cut them off. So, that doesn’t matter.
I’m sorry but I don’t want to talk on a phone. And anyway I live in a house stuffed to the seams with other people. They will hear me. I have no privacy.
She is not you. Your feelings, your perceptions, your appearance are not you. You are the person that exists as everything in the universe exists. You are a part of the greater whole. The girl in the mirror is just a reflection of your hatred and pain. Never mind the mirror on the wall. Let yourself be a mirror that reflects the beauty of existence beyond the trivial thoughts of the human race.
Huh. I did, didn’t I? You know, I don’t even notice when I do that anymore? How fucking terrifying is that.
I do that, and talk about myself like that—in the third person—because I have to, sometimes. I have to disassociate to survive. If I don’t, I would have torn myself to pieces long ago. I have to escape from “her” to avoid my own wrath and hatred of her. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all. But whatever.
Even if I learn to love myself, everyone else will treat me like shit. Everyone else will still look at me and snicker. They already do. Ever since I started getting ugly again. They’ve been treating me differently.
But viewing her as separate is good in a way because she is the superficial, a two-dimensional reflection. People make distictions – ugly/pretty, smart/dumb, suucess/failure – based on artificial ideas. Nature doesn’t make these distinctions. The clouds rain and the sun shines on all equally. When people make fun of you (or anyone) they do so because they are caught up in this world of artificial ideas, this idea of “us” versus “them”. Humans are afraid to let go of that. In the eyes of Nature, ugliness does not even exist.
Nature does discriminate. Ugliness is something she created. We—as well as all animals, by their own standards—have it coded into our subconscious to favor the aesthetically pleasing over the ugly in everything. The choosing of p@rtners/mates. The choosing of friends. Even the treatment of complete strangers. All social contracts. Nature did that. *Natural* selection. That’s what it is.
And anyway, even if nobody treated me differently because of my looks. Even if everyone around me saw me as beautiful. It wouldn’t matter. Because I don’t see me as beautiful. I don’t see me as worthy of respect. I just CAN’T. It’s how I’m wired, how I’m coded. I can’t TOLERATE myself like this.
I’m sorry if this sounds like an attack on you. It isn’t. I promise that it isn’t. I’m very thankful for you trying to help me. But I still can’t agree with you.
But if I didn’t look as disgusting on the outside as I do on the inside, I wouldn’t be half so desperate as I am now. Rabid. Furious. I might be able to let myself live in peace if I didn’t look like this.
Somewhere in my messed up head, I believe that free hugs can solve many problems.. Unfortunately, this is one of those problems hugs won’t solve….
Thinking of you, Fish.
Maybe when I was little, hugs and nice words could’ve prevented me from becoming this. But it’s too late now. I’m too conditioned. Too well trained to unlearn my high standards, and my self hate. Nothing can be done but change my reality.
I feel bad that I feel asleep (it was late here) and didn’t reply. I wish I could pick you up and take you out to breakfast so you could just enjoy the day and not feel so bad.
I did a rather poor job expressing my idea last night. It was along the lines of what you were saying to Handle about re-examining his beliefs if the way he was thinking was hurting him. By Nature I was referring more to something more like a Divine force. Like a religious person praying to God, who doesn’t judge by looks and isn’t bound by human (or animal) limitations in thinking. I won’t ramble on anymore because I don’t want to sound like I’m preaching, I just wanted to clarify what I said about because I don’t think I did a very good job. I just don’t want you to be hurt.
I said all of those things to The Handle yesterday because I’ve learned in my short span of seventeen years that there are only two ways to make yourself happy when you aren’t happy: change your reality, or change the way you think of your reality. The Handle’s affliction was existential depression. He was depressed because of the nature of life and the universe and all that jazz, which we simply can’t change. So I prescribed a perspective change instead.
But my concern isn’t with the nature of the universe or with the futility of life. At least not today. My concern is with the nature of my appearance. That reality can be changed. I don’t have to take the harder route of changing my perspective. I can change my reality much easier.
Don’t worry about preaching to me, by the way. I’m religious. So I’m used to preaching, and I understand the inclination to preach, and no matter what it is that you’re preaching, even if it isn’t something that I believe, I won’t be offended or irritated. So preach on.
Oh no, I was serious when I meant I wasn’t preaching, just clarifying. Trying to put Taoist philosophy into words is not an easy thing, snd I just didn’t think I did a very good job.
I would like to comment that it is very obvious you are highly intelligent and very caring person. Those are wonderful qualities. Please don’t sell yourself short. And I won’t say that things get better as you get older because that’s not true for everyone, but I will say that your perspective changes as you get older – I’m in my mid-forties and it’s changed quite a bit.
I know a little bit of Taoist philosophy. But not a lot. If you want me to look into it, I will. That is, when I can calm the ever living FUCK DOWN for half a second.
I’m very thankful for the compliment, but I just want to interject and say that intelligence isn’t a virtue. If anything, it has a tendency to diminish virtue. Make a person more cold, more arrogant. More pretentious and contrarian. I’d gladly trade the brain my father gave me for a good heart and good soul. Neither of which I possess, although I am quite good at making it look like I do. That’s manipulation, is all that is. The only virtue I still have is empathy. I do have empathy. Sometimes, too much. But everything else you see is an act.
You have a very good point there, definitely. Maybe my perspective will change when I get older. In fact, that’s almost a guarantee. The trick is insuring that I get to live that long in the first place.
Did you listen to the Chopin piece i posted? Helped me this morning shovel the shit out from between my ears into the world at large where it really belongs.
God forgives you, He made you to be the perfect human you are.
@whiskered: Totally understand hell inside the meatsack God gave us to reside in for the duration.
That said there is a path away from this Whiskered. Can you just begin walking forward in your mind away from where you are? Carving up the meat sack you reside in will simple serve to make you hate yourself even more. I was you speaking about yourself in the third person. So you are going to carve her up and she is going to end up hating you for it. If that makes any sense.
I don’t know if I can, Hazy. Wish I could, but I just can’t calm down. The animal’s furious pacing is accelerating exponentially. Like a carousel with a maniac at the switch. Or a broken switch, more like. I feel like I can’t slow down.
What your saying makes sense, in the sense that I can understand you. But I don’t know why she’ll end up hating me for it. I’m helping her. Us. I know she’d much prefer a bunch of jagged scars to this.
Oh no how much time left. Im worried as hell about you. I wish there was something to do or say. I understand that you are very determined. I’m sorry you feel the need to hurt yourself. I don’t want you to end up in a mental institution. You don’t deserve that.
Whispered, this is s fools errand and solves nothing. It will only serve to cause grief for you in the long run. Unfortunately if the adults find you carving yourself up like a Christmas ham they are going to impound you in the first hospital they can drive to. Do you really want to be impounded in a shitty hospital because the adults around you did a knee jerk maneuver and acted in what they will state is your best interests?
You had said you wanted to finish out the semester. I don’t know if you have yet, I’ve been kind of absent around here lately, but even if you did think of your hard own freedom?
I haven’t graduated yet and I’ll admit that that reminder that I still have to made me pause for a second. I am not sure if this will land me in a hospital long enough for me to fail (I have about eight or nine weeks left, I think?) but there’s always the possibility that it could. You’re right about that.
And I don’t want to be institutionalized either but I don’t know what else to do I really don’t. I don’t know any other solutions and I can’t think.
There are other solutions. What is the cause of these feelings? Something happen to make you feel this way? The knife will be there tomorrow you don’t have to do it now. You being institutionalized and not graduating potentially effects your life exponentially. Along with the physical damage. There is nothing that makes you deserve this pain internally. But if you choose to express the pain in this way you’ll only cause yourself more. Please don’t.
Please if youre able to just walk somewhere take a walk listen to music you like and give this need to self mutilate space. You are under no clock. You are free to give yourself more time
Just a lifetime of vicious harassment for being an ugly kid. I know bullying is a pretty pathetic first-world-problem but I’m tired of pretending that it didn’t completely break me on the inside. Until the amphetamines made me less ugly, the people around me never gave me any peace. Now I’m right back in that spot again, no amphetamines. Square one. I don’t want to do this again.
I can’t do anything on Sunday. It’s a holy day. And by Monday it’ll be too late again. I can always wait until next Saturday but how in the Hell am I going to wait that long. I feel like I’m going to explode.
Bullying isn’t a pathetic first-world problem, it hurts. A lot of my issues stem from being bullied/ostracized in elementary school.
I agree with deadman, take a walk. Why is Monday too late?
I don’t think if you slice yourself up you’ll be bullied less. Not to make this about me. I got bullied badly. I still cant make friends. Im over a decade out of school and it still effects me. That said if i could tell my younger self anything it would be to stop the bleeding. Meaning dont intentionally make things worse. How you feel despite how extreme it is actually normal. You cutting off body parts ensures youll be bullied for the rest of your life. You dont want that. We get angry furious and we channel it in on ourselves because we’ve been conditioned to think ourselves an easy target. Causing yourself more pain is only going to cause yourself more pain. You dont want to be 30 with another 12 years of post hs bullying regretting what you did today.
Because on Monday, it’s back to school. I won’t have time to do anything or even to properly consider doing anything. You know, think it through first. This kind of thing will take maybe two hours at least. I literally don’t have two hours to myself on a weekday.
I can’t walk outside because I’ll run into someone I know. I don’t want anyone to see me, I just want to erase my face.
There’s an elliptical in my house. Right now I’m alternating between using it and sitting down. I’m trying my best to stave this off right now but we both know that I’m just going to be right back in this same headspace sometime, someday later. And then what? Pushing it back down again? Ad infinitum?
Yeah ideally lol. We all would rather you not do it. Im including the 30 year old you in the we. Get on the elliptical and go crazy. A couple days ago i had to punch a punching bag until i nearly passed out because i was so pissed at how my life is. You have no need to harm yourself. You’ll be 20 and 30 and 40 someday. Being those ages and a mutilated person who has spent a lot of time in a mental institution or someone dealing with the mental scars of life and being bullied in the most productive ways possible is entirely up to you. But there must be a part of you that doesn’t want u to harm yourself. Please listen to that part. *hug*
I still think that slicing yourself up is only going to make your problems worse, and permanent. Like deadman says, if you disfigure yourself you’re going to be bullied and gawked at for the rest of your life. I understand wanting to hurt yourself, but at the very least is there some other way to punish yourself that won’t result in you being permanently disfigured and committed to a mental institution? Like using the elliptical or doing sit-ups until you pass out or something.
I don’t want to be twenty or thirty or forty if it means that this will never go away. If I’m just doing this for decade after decade. But I’ll get back on that machine now. Why not. Because you’re right when you say that chopping myself up will probably just make things worse. And I’m already almost an hour past three. So why bother with this today.
whiskered-fish, I am sorry, really, i am being serious! that’s hard for me to do you know that, i haven’t had time to even read what has posted lately! i am old enough to be your father,I’m pulling that card! Stop it! you little shit! i care about you! if you do anything like your talking about you are going to hurt me! stop it! we all have bad days, life isn’t a bowl of cherries, there is a lot of just pits sometimes, no cherries left! i been there! and thought as you do, but some one told me, don’t do anything stupid! relax! calm down! things will get better they have no where to go but up! i listened and slowly they did, that person was my father, now i’m telling you stop it! change the channel! give it a few more days, stop thinking about it! and start thinking of me. got it! don’t make me cry! tears are already falling down my face! stop it!
deadman: don’t worry, you aren’t making anything about you. I appreciate the input.
I just wanted to clarify that the plan wasn’t to cut off appendages, exactly. Not my hands or my nose or anything similar. Just the ugly extra skin, and the fat. I wouldn’t be missing anything that everyone else has. I know that isn’t really much better, but I wanted to clear that up. I can’t see how that will earn me more bullying, but I guess I shouldn’t put it passed those fucking vultures.
You cant actually slice of fat like that. I mean in order to do that youd have to scar yourself permanently. You’ll definitely be bullied if anyone finds out. As a fat person i can’t say i haven’t wished i could do it. I’ve just always thought it to be impossible. There are blood vessels and the like everywhere. You wont “look better” you’ll just have gashes all over your body.
Actually, you can. It requires the removal of a lot of skin, and the loosening of some connective tissue, as well as the very dangerous exposing of muscle tissue, but it’s entirely doable. I’ve done it with rats, frogs, and sheep plenty of times. I probably won’t look better, though, you have a point.
Theoretically it’s doable, except that dissecting a dead animal is very different from dissecting yourself. You’re very likely to slip or move in a way you don’t want to, just as an instinctive reaction to the pain, and as a result you could stab yourself in the eye, puncture your kidney or liver or some other important organ, etc. So you could end up blind or on dialysis or something awful like that.
Bullying itself can be a lifelong issues. Bullying with a side of more bullying and debilitating pain ang physical issues doesn’t sound like a good recipe.
Hey, we never got around to that second (art) collaboration. What’s the theme going to be this time? Your turn to choose. I’ll throw some ideas your way: video games characters, cars, sports…
Hey, October. I’d love to. The theme doesn’t matter to me so much; I just want to do the coloring, and maybe the background if you want. So whatever you choose, if that’s okay.
*tears* hooray. You’re very strong you have plenty of time between now and all of those ages to change the trajectory of your life. Exercise (which admittedly can suck ass and not in a good way) can help if done long term. Dont exercise a couple weeks and expect results you have to do it for months. That said ellipticals (my favorite cardio machinel allow you to be angry and take out frustration because your whole body is involved.
Yeah, I know short term exercise won’t do anything. I also know that weight loss kinda requires diversified exercise. So I’ve got to find something else to do now.
I’m kinda happy that I did all that work (and yes, currently enjoying the afterglow) and that I’m not currently in a hospital. But I still don’t feel right. I know I’m supposed to feel like I accomplished something today, but I don’t. I don’t feel like a winner, I just feel broken and very, very stupid.
Kat, if its fat that you want to chop off, why not get rid of it the natural way? Specific exercises to target those areas.. Workouts that kill body fat. Hard diets.
and don’t say that you want it to be more painful than just doing 200 crunches, because if you’ve ever done wall sits for a long time, or pushups for a long time, you’ll know it starts BURNING like crazy. This way will also avoid the scars people are worried about.
I actually have been on a hard diet for a long while now. Recently relapsed because fuck that noise. It’s expensive, socially hindering, and I wanted at least some serotonin in my life (something that carbs and sugars naturally release in the brain. That’s why we emotion-eat). I regret the relapse now, of course. Back up to my heaviest record weight.
I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but the reason I don’t exercise, and never really have on a regular basis, is because of my bones. I have the most messed up back you’d ever see on a person my age. The pain used to have me in tears as young as nine years old. And that was just from standing up. It’s all untreatable, too. Although this is coming from someone who just spent a collective hour on the elliptical, so it isn’t as if exercising is impossible for me. And anyway, the pain isn’t quite as bad anymore. I’m never in tears. (Then again, I now avoid standing for long periods of time. So that could be why.) You’re probably wondering why I don’t enjoy that. Back pain isn’t quite like any other pain. Back pain, tooth pain, and migraines are the three things that will never give me any pleasure, no matter how masochistic I am. But burning muscles…yeah, I’m a fan. That’s always pretty nice.
The only other thing stopping me from regularly exercising is my depression. It’s so weird and circular.
My appearance depresses me—> exercise could help my appearance—> but I’m too depressed to want to get out of my bed—> one thing that could give me enough reason to get up out of bed were if I weren’t such a hideous blob—>WHICH COULD HAPPEN IF YOU’D JUST GET THE FUCK OUTTA BED ALREADY KAT.
But once again: I was able to exercise today. My excuses are weak. Obviously I’ve demonstrated that I can exercise.
Whiskered. Hey. Don’t cut pieces off. You’d have to stitch yourself up like that Stephen King short story about the guy stranded on a desert island with 10lbs of heroin and and no food. He started consuming himself using the heroin as a pain killer.
Not that you are going to actually consume yourself, but for the love of all that is holy just use the eliptical. That is punishment enough for three of you. The one you hate, the one that hates you and the one sitting back observing the show.
It is punishment enough, I’ll admit. But the object isn’t to punish myself. It’s to not break mirrors every time I look in them.
Which I guess the elliptical will do in the long term. My problem is waiting. And not killing myself before hand.
I didn’t chop myself up today. So now no one has to be upset with me. And I don’t have to be in a hospital. Even so, I still feel like an ugly stain. And an idiot, for planning to chop myself up in the first place. Oh well.
Don’t feel ugly or like an idiot I’m proud of you and you should be to. Keep in mind its hard to go from slice your body to happy in one day. Also as far as carbs you can always have a cheat meal. I also understand the exercise logic you have as far as not wanting to exercise due to depression. If you can do what you did 3 or 4 times a week you won’t feel or look as “bad”(because I’m sure you’re prettier than you give your self credit for and i mean that in the least creepy way possible)
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whiskered-fish,
I’m curious as to what you would cut off and how that will make you feel better. It sounds like a very drastic plan that you have put some serious thought into. I hope you are just venting and not really thinking of going through with it.
I have a general idea. Mostly pieces of my arms. Some parts of my face. Was considering all of my right fingers, but I know that knife can’t go through bone, not in the least bit. In my class dissections, I’ve been able to separate digits from the joints before. But I don’t want to risk messing that up. I’ll also be taking off a lot around my stomach. I know how to shave that off with damaging any deep tissues, or opening up my abdominal cavity. Once again, learned that from dissections.
I don’t know how to make it any more clear how dead serious I am, rocketman. Sorry.
whiskered-fish, Sorry i went to sleep “passed out” last night, do not cut off anything! you need to tell me why you think such terrible things, i just can’t comprehend why?
Rocketman: I need to cut them off to be free. All of this disgusting dead weight…hangs on my limbs like a leaden coat. I feel practically, physically sick, all the time. And it makes me look hideous as well. I can’t look in the mirror without wanting to slit my ugly throat. I can’t respect myself, looking like this. It’s impossible.
My fingers I’d want to cut off because they’re evil. But I’m not going to cut them off. So, that doesn’t matter.
I just can’t keep waking up in the morning, trapped in this smothering suit of excess, ugly flesh. I’m losing my fucking mind and I need out.
please call me
anytime, you have my number but i don’t have yours..
Not to, talk you out of it, but to talk..
please
I’m sorry but I don’t want to talk on a phone. And anyway I live in a house stuffed to the seams with other people. They will hear me. I have no privacy.
I didn’t think you would. i just, don’t know what else to do..
There’s nothing to do. Don’t be too upset; I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to die.
Was it something specific you saw in your reflection? Is it just that you hate yourself that much? I don’t mean to be intrusive. I just want to talk.
Just every part. Her arms especially. And the contour of her stomach.
But every part. Every single piece.
I notice you said “her”, not “my”
She is not you. Your feelings, your perceptions, your appearance are not you. You are the person that exists as everything in the universe exists. You are a part of the greater whole. The girl in the mirror is just a reflection of your hatred and pain. Never mind the mirror on the wall. Let yourself be a mirror that reflects the beauty of existence beyond the trivial thoughts of the human race.
Huh. I did, didn’t I? You know, I don’t even notice when I do that anymore? How fucking terrifying is that.
I do that, and talk about myself like that—in the third person—because I have to, sometimes. I have to disassociate to survive. If I don’t, I would have torn myself to pieces long ago. I have to escape from “her” to avoid my own wrath and hatred of her. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all. But whatever.
Even if I learn to love myself, everyone else will treat me like shit. Everyone else will still look at me and snicker. They already do. Ever since I started getting ugly again. They’ve been treating me differently.
But viewing her as separate is good in a way because she is the superficial, a two-dimensional reflection. People make distictions – ugly/pretty, smart/dumb, suucess/failure – based on artificial ideas. Nature doesn’t make these distinctions. The clouds rain and the sun shines on all equally. When people make fun of you (or anyone) they do so because they are caught up in this world of artificial ideas, this idea of “us” versus “them”. Humans are afraid to let go of that. In the eyes of Nature, ugliness does not even exist.
Nature does discriminate. Ugliness is something she created. We—as well as all animals, by their own standards—have it coded into our subconscious to favor the aesthetically pleasing over the ugly in everything. The choosing of p@rtners/mates. The choosing of friends. Even the treatment of complete strangers. All social contracts. Nature did that. *Natural* selection. That’s what it is.
And anyway, even if nobody treated me differently because of my looks. Even if everyone around me saw me as beautiful. It wouldn’t matter. Because I don’t see me as beautiful. I don’t see me as worthy of respect. I just CAN’T. It’s how I’m wired, how I’m coded. I can’t TOLERATE myself like this.
I’m sorry if this sounds like an attack on you. It isn’t. I promise that it isn’t. I’m very thankful for you trying to help me. But I still can’t agree with you.
Trying to understand…
Was it the physical appearance itself that you loathed,
Or was it the person inside that shell…?
If it’s the person inside, then no amount of cutting is going to change it.
Both. I hate both.
But if I didn’t look as disgusting on the outside as I do on the inside, I wouldn’t be half so desperate as I am now. Rabid. Furious. I might be able to let myself live in peace if I didn’t look like this.
Somewhere in my messed up head, I believe that free hugs can solve many problems.. Unfortunately, this is one of those problems hugs won’t solve….
Thinking of you, Fish.
Thanks, Trey.
Maybe when I was little, hugs and nice words could’ve prevented me from becoming this. But it’s too late now. I’m too conditioned. Too well trained to unlearn my high standards, and my self hate. Nothing can be done but change my reality.
Oh no please dont. I know how you feel. Please don’t do it you’ll regret it in the future. You risk infections and making a bad thing worse. *hug*
I don’t know how it can get much worse than this. I’d rather be covered in scars than in all this adipose.
And I know how to prevent infection. Not to mention, I’ll probably be heading straight to the hospital afterwards. They know how to prevent infection.
I don’t like hospitals, for the record. But I imagine that I’ll need one.
I slept on the idea, and now that I’m awake, my resolve is just as firm—maybe even firmer—as it was before. Sorry, all.
I feel bad that I feel asleep (it was late here) and didn’t reply. I wish I could pick you up and take you out to breakfast so you could just enjoy the day and not feel so bad.
Don’t feel bad. You didn’t miss my reply because you fell asleep. I fell asleep first, and I made that reply only thirty minutes ago.
I did a rather poor job expressing my idea last night. It was along the lines of what you were saying to Handle about re-examining his beliefs if the way he was thinking was hurting him. By Nature I was referring more to something more like a Divine force. Like a religious person praying to God, who doesn’t judge by looks and isn’t bound by human (or animal) limitations in thinking. I won’t ramble on anymore because I don’t want to sound like I’m preaching, I just wanted to clarify what I said about because I don’t think I did a very good job. I just don’t want you to be hurt.
*said last night
I said all of those things to The Handle yesterday because I’ve learned in my short span of seventeen years that there are only two ways to make yourself happy when you aren’t happy: change your reality, or change the way you think of your reality. The Handle’s affliction was existential depression. He was depressed because of the nature of life and the universe and all that jazz, which we simply can’t change. So I prescribed a perspective change instead.
But my concern isn’t with the nature of the universe or with the futility of life. At least not today. My concern is with the nature of my appearance. That reality can be changed. I don’t have to take the harder route of changing my perspective. I can change my reality much easier.
Don’t worry about preaching to me, by the way. I’m religious. So I’m used to preaching, and I understand the inclination to preach, and no matter what it is that you’re preaching, even if it isn’t something that I believe, I won’t be offended or irritated. So preach on.
Oh no, I was serious when I meant I wasn’t preaching, just clarifying. Trying to put Taoist philosophy into words is not an easy thing, snd I just didn’t think I did a very good job.
I would like to comment that it is very obvious you are highly intelligent and very caring person. Those are wonderful qualities. Please don’t sell yourself short. And I won’t say that things get better as you get older because that’s not true for everyone, but I will say that your perspective changes as you get older – I’m in my mid-forties and it’s changed quite a bit.
I know a little bit of Taoist philosophy. But not a lot. If you want me to look into it, I will. That is, when I can calm the ever living FUCK DOWN for half a second.
I’m very thankful for the compliment, but I just want to interject and say that intelligence isn’t a virtue. If anything, it has a tendency to diminish virtue. Make a person more cold, more arrogant. More pretentious and contrarian. I’d gladly trade the brain my father gave me for a good heart and good soul. Neither of which I possess, although I am quite good at making it look like I do. That’s manipulation, is all that is. The only virtue I still have is empathy. I do have empathy. Sometimes, too much. But everything else you see is an act.
You have a very good point there, definitely. Maybe my perspective will change when I get older. In fact, that’s almost a guarantee. The trick is insuring that I get to live that long in the first place.
Maybe the word I should have used is insightful. Your comments show that you understand things. You have an excellent point there.
*excellent point about intelligence sometimes diminishing virtue.
Whiskered, how are you doing this morning?
Awful. I feel like a pacing rabid animal.
Did you listen to the Chopin piece i posted? Helped me this morning shovel the shit out from between my ears into the world at large where it really belongs.
God forgives you, He made you to be the perfect human you are.
All those parts are still attached right?
No, I didn’t. I didn’t even know that you posted. Have been a selfish piece of sht this morning and didn’t read the main page.
It’s not about forgiveness or guilt this time. It’s about the ugly meat that I’m made up of.
Still attached. Not for long though. I feel like I can’t fucking breathe. Right now, it’s Hell inside my head.
@whiskered: Totally understand hell inside the meatsack God gave us to reside in for the duration.
That said there is a path away from this Whiskered. Can you just begin walking forward in your mind away from where you are? Carving up the meat sack you reside in will simple serve to make you hate yourself even more. I was you speaking about yourself in the third person. So you are going to carve her up and she is going to end up hating you for it. If that makes any sense.
I don’t know if I can, Hazy. Wish I could, but I just can’t calm down. The animal’s furious pacing is accelerating exponentially. Like a carousel with a maniac at the switch. Or a broken switch, more like. I feel like I can’t slow down.
What your saying makes sense, in the sense that I can understand you. But I don’t know why she’ll end up hating me for it. I’m helping her. Us. I know she’d much prefer a bunch of jagged scars to this.
I think I’m going to wait about two hours. Longest wait of my fucking life, that’ll be.
One hour.
Oh no how much time left. Im worried as hell about you. I wish there was something to do or say. I understand that you are very determined. I’m sorry you feel the need to hurt yourself. I don’t want you to end up in a mental institution. You don’t deserve that.
Thirty minutes.
I don’t want to end up in one either but what else can I do.
Whispered, this is s fools errand and solves nothing. It will only serve to cause grief for you in the long run. Unfortunately if the adults find you carving yourself up like a Christmas ham they are going to impound you in the first hospital they can drive to. Do you really want to be impounded in a shitty hospital because the adults around you did a knee jerk maneuver and acted in what they will state is your best interests?
You had said you wanted to finish out the semester. I don’t know if you have yet, I’ve been kind of absent around here lately, but even if you did think of your hard own freedom?
I haven’t graduated yet and I’ll admit that that reminder that I still have to made me pause for a second. I am not sure if this will land me in a hospital long enough for me to fail (I have about eight or nine weeks left, I think?) but there’s always the possibility that it could. You’re right about that.
And I don’t want to be institutionalized either but I don’t know what else to do I really don’t. I don’t know any other solutions and I can’t think.
There are other solutions. What is the cause of these feelings? Something happen to make you feel this way? The knife will be there tomorrow you don’t have to do it now. You being institutionalized and not graduating potentially effects your life exponentially. Along with the physical damage. There is nothing that makes you deserve this pain internally. But if you choose to express the pain in this way you’ll only cause yourself more. Please don’t.
Please if youre able to just walk somewhere take a walk listen to music you like and give this need to self mutilate space. You are under no clock. You are free to give yourself more time
Just a lifetime of vicious harassment for being an ugly kid. I know bullying is a pretty pathetic first-world-problem but I’m tired of pretending that it didn’t completely break me on the inside. Until the amphetamines made me less ugly, the people around me never gave me any peace. Now I’m right back in that spot again, no amphetamines. Square one. I don’t want to do this again.
I can’t do anything on Sunday. It’s a holy day. And by Monday it’ll be too late again. I can always wait until next Saturday but how in the Hell am I going to wait that long. I feel like I’m going to explode.
Bullying isn’t a pathetic first-world problem, it hurts. A lot of my issues stem from being bullied/ostracized in elementary school.
I agree with deadman, take a walk. Why is Monday too late?
I don’t think if you slice yourself up you’ll be bullied less. Not to make this about me. I got bullied badly. I still cant make friends. Im over a decade out of school and it still effects me. That said if i could tell my younger self anything it would be to stop the bleeding. Meaning dont intentionally make things worse. How you feel despite how extreme it is actually normal. You cutting off body parts ensures youll be bullied for the rest of your life. You dont want that. We get angry furious and we channel it in on ourselves because we’ve been conditioned to think ourselves an easy target. Causing yourself more pain is only going to cause yourself more pain. You dont want to be 30 with another 12 years of post hs bullying regretting what you did today.
Because on Monday, it’s back to school. I won’t have time to do anything or even to properly consider doing anything. You know, think it through first. This kind of thing will take maybe two hours at least. I literally don’t have two hours to myself on a weekday.
I can’t walk outside because I’ll run into someone I know. I don’t want anyone to see me, I just want to erase my face.
There’s an elliptical in my house. Right now I’m alternating between using it and sitting down. I’m trying my best to stave this off right now but we both know that I’m just going to be right back in this same headspace sometime, someday later. And then what? Pushing it back down again? Ad infinitum?
That was meant for dividebyzero, that last response.
Yeah ideally lol. We all would rather you not do it. Im including the 30 year old you in the we. Get on the elliptical and go crazy. A couple days ago i had to punch a punching bag until i nearly passed out because i was so pissed at how my life is. You have no need to harm yourself. You’ll be 20 and 30 and 40 someday. Being those ages and a mutilated person who has spent a lot of time in a mental institution or someone dealing with the mental scars of life and being bullied in the most productive ways possible is entirely up to you. But there must be a part of you that doesn’t want u to harm yourself. Please listen to that part. *hug*
I still think that slicing yourself up is only going to make your problems worse, and permanent. Like deadman says, if you disfigure yourself you’re going to be bullied and gawked at for the rest of your life. I understand wanting to hurt yourself, but at the very least is there some other way to punish yourself that won’t result in you being permanently disfigured and committed to a mental institution? Like using the elliptical or doing sit-ups until you pass out or something.
I don’t want to be twenty or thirty or forty if it means that this will never go away. If I’m just doing this for decade after decade. But I’ll get back on that machine now. Why not. Because you’re right when you say that chopping myself up will probably just make things worse. And I’m already almost an hour past three. So why bother with this today.
whiskered-fish, I am sorry, really, i am being serious! that’s hard for me to do you know that, i haven’t had time to even read what has posted lately! i am old enough to be your father,I’m pulling that card! Stop it! you little shit! i care about you! if you do anything like your talking about you are going to hurt me! stop it! we all have bad days, life isn’t a bowl of cherries, there is a lot of just pits sometimes, no cherries left! i been there! and thought as you do, but some one told me, don’t do anything stupid! relax! calm down! things will get better they have no where to go but up! i listened and slowly they did, that person was my father, now i’m telling you stop it! change the channel! give it a few more days, stop thinking about it! and start thinking of me. got it! don’t make me cry! tears are already falling down my face! stop it!
I don’t want to upset anyone. I never did. I guess it was stupid of me to think for even a second that I wouldn’t.
whiskered-fish, YEAH! Very dumb! Stop it! 🙂
deadman: don’t worry, you aren’t making anything about you. I appreciate the input.
I just wanted to clarify that the plan wasn’t to cut off appendages, exactly. Not my hands or my nose or anything similar. Just the ugly extra skin, and the fat. I wouldn’t be missing anything that everyone else has. I know that isn’t really much better, but I wanted to clear that up. I can’t see how that will earn me more bullying, but I guess I shouldn’t put it passed those fucking vultures.
You cant actually slice of fat like that. I mean in order to do that youd have to scar yourself permanently. You’ll definitely be bullied if anyone finds out. As a fat person i can’t say i haven’t wished i could do it. I’ve just always thought it to be impossible. There are blood vessels and the like everywhere. You wont “look better” you’ll just have gashes all over your body.
Actually, you can. It requires the removal of a lot of skin, and the loosening of some connective tissue, as well as the very dangerous exposing of muscle tissue, but it’s entirely doable. I’ve done it with rats, frogs, and sheep plenty of times. I probably won’t look better, though, you have a point.
Also, you’re not a sheep and even skilled surgeons dont operate on themselves. It sounds like it can cause lifelong issues.
It probably would.
Theoretically it’s doable, except that dissecting a dead animal is very different from dissecting yourself. You’re very likely to slip or move in a way you don’t want to, just as an instinctive reaction to the pain, and as a result you could stab yourself in the eye, puncture your kidney or liver or some other important organ, etc. So you could end up blind or on dialysis or something awful like that.
And you certainly won’t look any better.
Bullying itself can be a lifelong issues. Bullying with a side of more bullying and debilitating pain ang physical issues doesn’t sound like a good recipe.
Hey, we never got around to that second (art) collaboration. What’s the theme going to be this time? Your turn to choose. I’ll throw some ideas your way: video games characters, cars, sports…
Hey, October. I’d love to. The theme doesn’t matter to me so much; I just want to do the coloring, and maybe the background if you want. So whatever you choose, if that’s okay.
Alright, that’s perfectly fine with me. Look for it in the days to come.
Okay, I will.
*tears* hooray. You’re very strong you have plenty of time between now and all of those ages to change the trajectory of your life. Exercise (which admittedly can suck ass and not in a good way) can help if done long term. Dont exercise a couple weeks and expect results you have to do it for months. That said ellipticals (my favorite cardio machinel allow you to be angry and take out frustration because your whole body is involved.
Yeah, I know short term exercise won’t do anything. I also know that weight loss kinda requires diversified exercise. So I’ve got to find something else to do now.
I’m kinda happy that I did all that work (and yes, currently enjoying the afterglow) and that I’m not currently in a hospital. But I still don’t feel right. I know I’m supposed to feel like I accomplished something today, but I don’t. I don’t feel like a winner, I just feel broken and very, very stupid.
Kat, if its fat that you want to chop off, why not get rid of it the natural way? Specific exercises to target those areas.. Workouts that kill body fat. Hard diets.
and don’t say that you want it to be more painful than just doing 200 crunches, because if you’ve ever done wall sits for a long time, or pushups for a long time, you’ll know it starts BURNING like crazy. This way will also avoid the scars people are worried about.
I actually have been on a hard diet for a long while now. Recently relapsed because fuck that noise. It’s expensive, socially hindering, and I wanted at least some serotonin in my life (something that carbs and sugars naturally release in the brain. That’s why we emotion-eat). I regret the relapse now, of course. Back up to my heaviest record weight.
I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, but the reason I don’t exercise, and never really have on a regular basis, is because of my bones. I have the most messed up back you’d ever see on a person my age. The pain used to have me in tears as young as nine years old. And that was just from standing up. It’s all untreatable, too. Although this is coming from someone who just spent a collective hour on the elliptical, so it isn’t as if exercising is impossible for me. And anyway, the pain isn’t quite as bad anymore. I’m never in tears. (Then again, I now avoid standing for long periods of time. So that could be why.) You’re probably wondering why I don’t enjoy that. Back pain isn’t quite like any other pain. Back pain, tooth pain, and migraines are the three things that will never give me any pleasure, no matter how masochistic I am. But burning muscles…yeah, I’m a fan. That’s always pretty nice.
The only other thing stopping me from regularly exercising is my depression. It’s so weird and circular.
My appearance depresses me—> exercise could help my appearance—> but I’m too depressed to want to get out of my bed—> one thing that could give me enough reason to get up out of bed were if I weren’t such a hideous blob—>WHICH COULD HAPPEN IF YOU’D JUST GET THE FUCK OUTTA BED ALREADY KAT.
But once again: I was able to exercise today. My excuses are weak. Obviously I’ve demonstrated that I can exercise.
Whiskered. Hey. Don’t cut pieces off. You’d have to stitch yourself up like that Stephen King short story about the guy stranded on a desert island with 10lbs of heroin and and no food. He started consuming himself using the heroin as a pain killer.
Not that you are going to actually consume yourself, but for the love of all that is holy just use the eliptical. That is punishment enough for three of you. The one you hate, the one that hates you and the one sitting back observing the show.
OMG, I remember that story… in fact I think I have it here right next to the bed, in a book of Stephen King short stories….
Yes… here.
The short story collection is called “Skeleton Crew”, and the story is called “Survivor Type”, on page 407.
I also remember that story. I still get chills every time I pass a box of ladyfingers in the store.
It is punishment enough, I’ll admit. But the object isn’t to punish myself. It’s to not break mirrors every time I look in them.
Which I guess the elliptical will do in the long term. My problem is waiting. And not killing myself before hand.
I didn’t chop myself up today. So now no one has to be upset with me. And I don’t have to be in a hospital. Even so, I still feel like an ugly stain. And an idiot, for planning to chop myself up in the first place. Oh well.
Don’t feel ugly or like an idiot I’m proud of you and you should be to. Keep in mind its hard to go from slice your body to happy in one day. Also as far as carbs you can always have a cheat meal. I also understand the exercise logic you have as far as not wanting to exercise due to depression. If you can do what you did 3 or 4 times a week you won’t feel or look as “bad”(because I’m sure you’re prettier than you give your self credit for and i mean that in the least creepy way possible)
You’re not an idiot for it, but I sure am glad you didn’t do it. I hope tomorrow brings you a better day.