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Some Bullshit About School

by Casino96

I have an English class at 8AM 3 days out of the school week. For the last 10 or so minutes I’ve been sitting outside the door trying to decide if I should go in or not. I actually like writing, and I was especially looking forward to working on the last essay, which is essentially a reflection piece with yourself as the main source. The professor’s a really great guy, too. He’s really understanding and wants all of his students to do the best that we can. But I’ve only completed one out of the four essays that we’re supposed to be doing, and I think they’re doing peer reviews of the last essay I failed to complete. My schedule is so ridiculous that the homework I have assigned for one night is virtually impossible to do in one night. I generally have 4 papers to do at any given time, and generally at least one is due within less than a week. I feel terrible showing up to class and learning all the ways I’ve fucked up, all the reasons why this nice professor should hate me, how I’m going to flunk the class (and probably other classes behind it), and how I’m a complete piece of shit. I wanted to send him an email or meet with him about it, but what could I possibly say? “Sorry I’ve been blowing you off all semester, but can you pass me anyway?” I don’t know what to do. I’m neck deep and the water’s getting higher fast. I was thinking about applying for Students With Disabilities some months ago, but in order to do that my parents have to get involved, and if I never talk to them again about anything related to the whole depression an suicidal thing it’ll be WAY too soon. So, I guess I’m just going to sit here in the hallway for 20 more minutes, go to my math class and look for a clear spot on my arm to cut and wait around for a few hours until I leave.

Because my parents are picking me up for the weekend.

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Cordless 4/15/2016 - 2:21 pm

Sorry to hear about the frustration and difficulties.

I remember I went through something like this in college.
I was too depressed to go to class, but skipping class only made things worse because I kept falling further behind, and it became harder and harder to catch up.
You mentioned sitting outside the classroom wondering if you should go in or not.
I did that one day for my Russian class. I was too ashamed to show my face there, and have to explain why I’d been gone so often, so I just sat out in the hall and listened.

I still don’t remember how I caught up with (almost) everything in the classes, because the depression never really went away.

But skipping classes definitely made things worse.

Even now, almost 30 years later, I still have this recurring dream/nightmare where it’s near the end of the semester and I haven’t gone to my classes and I’m terrified about flunking everything. Sometimes the dream involves being just a few credits away from graduating, and I only need one or two classes to make it…. but I’m just too depressed and overwhelmed to attend them. Sometimes I dream I need to go to the college administration building and formally withdraw from the class so I won’t officially flunk it, but then I can never find the right building, and I wake up before it’s all solved.

I’ve had that recurring dream/nightmare for YEARS.

Casino96 4/15/2016 - 6:07 pm

Thank you so much, Cordless. I didn’t think I’d actually get a reply. It’s been hard, but I’ve been trying to make it to that 8 AM no matter how I felt, but when I saw the peer review going on I just couldn’t go in. I don’t have my paper and I was already a few minutes late. I’m going to email him, but I still have no clue what I’m gonna say, but at the very least he should know what’s going on with the absences and homework.

Cordless 4/15/2016 - 6:12 pm

Accghh! 8:00 classes are the WORST, aren’t they?
I’ve never been a morning person.

If he’s a good-hearted person who understands students, he should be all right if you’re honest with him.
I’m sending you good vibes, (which, as it turns out, are worth almost nothing on eBay, but hey.)

mindlessgamer619 4/15/2016 - 6:40 pm

I’ve been in a similar boat. Nearly the exact same boat, I just stopped going to class and I just said fuck it, because I felt like none of that was helping me at all.. I don’t want you to make that mistake.. My GPA will die after this semester because of this one semester.. I missed one class, and I just felt like I couldn’t face anyone, because depression, and then one class becomes two, and multiple and then, you flunk out..

I think you should try your absolute best to explain your situation, idk how old you are but I’d think if you’re 18 or older, you should be able to apply for disability on your own, and you should be able to do it without your parent’s say..
Do you see a peer counselor or anything like that? Maybe try that and explain your situation?

Best of luck, friend. I hope that nothing too bad happens as a result..

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