spiraling

I’ve made some bad choices. I have a kid that I love with the wrong guy. We have been in a nasty custody battle for five years. The custody battle really started after I tried to kill myself. My son was with his dad at the time, and that was enough to declare me unfit.
I think I am unfit. He is coming for a visit today, and all I want to do is sleep. I can physically feel that hard core depression, that I have known since I was 11 years old, trying to burst out of my abdomen. That’s where I feel it.
I remember when I was 11, my aunt wanted to take me to the circus. I didn’t want to go.
I also drink a lot. I think that also makes me unfit. My son gets scared when I pass out late at night. He does not have a regular schedule, so if it is 1 AM, and he can’t wake me up, he gets scared. He calls his dad, and he leaves. I’m scared also. He only comes for day visits now.
Another bad choice that I have made is that I took a new job about a month ago. I had worked at a hospital for 6 years. I got recruited to do the same job but for more money and to do it from home. I took the job and it was a terrible decision. I work for hospitals to get them caught up, and then the recruiter finds you another place to work. Right now, all of the work is done, and I’m between hospitals.
So, for the last month, I have barely been out of the house. I work. I listen to podcasts, and I drink. I have a husband, but he travels during the week. He’s gone right now.
I’m exhausted. I’m 45 years old, and I’ve been fighting and giving up since I was 11. I’ve had a hard, painful life like everyone else.
Yes. I am selfish. I want this goddamned pain to stop.
I know that I have a son. I know that I have a good husband. I have friends and family that love me. So, I’m stuck. I’m selfish. I’m a shitty mother.
My “baby daddy” has remarried a very nice person. She works at the hospital where I used to work. She has four other children. She is a good mother. She has pretty much taken over. I skype visit my son, and see him 3 days a week. He is home schooled. I don’t want him to be home schooled, but that is not up to me. I gave all of my rights up when I tried to escape the pain to begin with. I did that.
It is my fault.