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Still Alive

by DarkTide

Well Alive is a very, deceitful word. The first definition I could find for it on google states ‘of a person, animal, or plant) living, not dead.’ I couldn’t help but say think that is all i am right now. Right now I am barely breathing. I love the next definition of the word alive is ‘alert and active; animated.’, I am neither, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I am the complete opposite of animate. I am alive physically, spiritually my soul is dead. it is a soul that the devil is using as a rag.

The last time I posted I said I was going to die. I tried and it failed. I tried hanging myself, not from a tree. I read online about a short suspension hanging. I started and I kept on stopping it due to the will of the human body to survive. I later on tried drinking paraffin which only made me a little ill.

I fought with her. She painted a picture of me being a monster and self centered. Like I was a terrible friend. I remember dropping all of my problems whenever she was down. I remember I pushed to help. I wouldn’t rest until she was happy. I gave my heart to her. I was myself. I trusted her more than my own parents. She was my last glimpse of hope in this world and she took it away from me. I was told to go away. She gave me an ultimatum, stop being depressed or I walk. Not in those words but it was implied. I told her it doesn’t work like that. I know what you are going to say, you shouldn’t die because of her, I am not one to swear but shut the fuck up about that because that is a lie. In my moment of darkness she showed me a light of goodness in this God forsaken world. She wasn’t the reason of me wanting to die… she was the reason of me living. She showed me hope. She was the only thing that I found worth fighting for. Right now I have lost her, Right now my only hope in this world believes I am a monster.

I am breathing still but everything is a trigger. I almost started crying(real manly) while watching master chef and a movie of Steve jobs. I have 2 days till I have to go to work. I am going to see how I handle tomorrow. Right now there is nothing that can bring back this rag of a soul.

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whiskered-fish 4/30/2016 - 9:07 pm

I’m so sorry that she just doesn’t understand, DarkTide. Sometimes, the people around us simply don’t know what it’s like to be in so much pain that death becomes preferable to carrying on. And I’m not about to tell you that she’s a despicable person, because it isn’t fair to attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to ignorance. And you know what? I was on that side of the fence once. I was much younger, but it nonetheless happened. My then bestfriend had tried to kill herself and I was absolutely livid. I couldn’t understand why we—why I—wasn’t good enough for her. I couldn’t understand why her apparent love for us wasn’t enough to make her stick around. I accused her of not caring about us. And looking back, I regret everything I said to her.
So no, I don’t think this woman in your life is a monster. But I don’t think you are one, either. And I really, really hope that you believe me. I’m glad that you’re alive—very glad, as I honest to goodness thought that you’d succeeded in your attempt for sure—but even so there’s nothing about what you did, or tried to do, that was monstrous.

I’m wishing you the best of luck for the next two days. You are much stronger than you think.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/30/2016 - 10:38 pm

I wanted to let you know I read your post. I don’t have any easy answers. aside from walking forward, which may seem really hard right now. I totally get it. Sometimes I just drag myself forward. Eventually though, I look back and see who I was and think to myself, I’m a lot farther down the road than I thought. Anyway, all I can offer is to read your posts and be understanding and compassionate.

BlueEyes 5/2/2016 - 10:08 pm

Sending you love DarkTide. I know the feeling all too well. I’m glad you’re still with us.
I think the failed attempts comes from that tiny, tiny, tiny ray of hope that says “yes, but… miracles do happen”. Whether that miracle is her understanding the complexities of depression and coming back, or you finding someone special who does understand, or you finding the right help for your depression you don’t know. But you do know you’ll never find out if you’re dead.
“Dead” isn’t going to solve this. Time, hope and curiosity about Tomorrow will.
Trust me.
I’m going out on a limb here… have you considered she’s really scared for you? Does she perhaps feel helpless so lashes out and tells you to “get better” because she’s at a loss as to how to help you? Did she perhaps call you self-centered because she feels you can’t see how much it pains her to see you so depressed, or perhaps thinks you don’t care how she will feel if you die? When people are unable to help the ones they care about, they often get defensive and lash out from frustration. She sounds very frustrated.
I think you both need a break for a little while. You need to focus on getting some mental help for both your sakes. Instead of letting her be the cause for your depression, let her be the reason to get better. It’s work, but it can be done. And later, when you’re stronger, you can reconnect on a more equal level and try again. I don’t think your friendship is over, I think she’s just unable to cope with your illness. Forgive her for that weakness in her and start trying to be kinder to yourself as well.

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