Well Alive is a very, deceitful word. The first definition I could find for it on google states ‘of a person, animal, or plant) living, not dead.’ I couldn’t help but say think that is all i am right now. Right now I am barely breathing. I love the next definition of the word alive is ‘alert and active; animated.’, I am neither, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I am the complete opposite of animate. I am alive physically, spiritually my soul is dead. it is a soul that the devil is using as a rag.
The last time I posted I said I was going to die. I tried and it failed. I tried hanging myself, not from a tree. I read online about a short suspension hanging. I started and I kept on stopping it due to the will of the human body to survive. I later on tried drinking paraffin which only made me a little ill.
I fought with her. She painted a picture of me being a monster and self centered. Like I was a terrible friend. I remember dropping all of my problems whenever she was down. I remember I pushed to help. I wouldn’t rest until she was happy. I gave my heart to her. I was myself. I trusted her more than my own parents. She was my last glimpse of hope in this world and she took it away from me. I was told to go away. She gave me an ultimatum, stop being depressed or I walk. Not in those words but it was implied. I told her it doesn’t work like that. I know what you are going to say, you shouldn’t die because of her, I am not one to swear but shut the fuck up about that because that is a lie. In my moment of darkness she showed me a light of goodness in this God forsaken world. She wasn’t the reason of me wanting to die… she was the reason of me living. She showed me hope. She was the only thing that I found worth fighting for. Right now I have lost her, Right now my only hope in this world believes I am a monster.
I am breathing still but everything is a trigger. I almost started crying(real manly) while watching master chef and a movie of Steve jobs. I have 2 days till I have to go to work. I am going to see how I handle tomorrow. Right now there is nothing that can bring back this rag of a soul.