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Suicide Checklist

by Nathaniel_Morisawa

In order to be able to kill myself, I’ve come up with a list of things I have to accomplish in order to not burden my family financially.

1. Figure out the cost of funeral arrangements.

2. Establish such arrangements.

3. Configure a will.

4. Sell cumbersome belongings.

5. Eradicate all footage and photos of me.

6. Write an explanation of events (~20 pages).

7. Commit suicide in an isolated place.

8. Success.

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19 comments

kupo95 4/6/2016 - 3:52 pm

Why get rid of pictures and videos of yourself?

Nathaniel 4/6/2016 - 3:59 pm

Footage of me will allow my conceptual self to persist. This runs counter to what I want, which is my full dissipation from this world.

kupo95 4/6/2016 - 4:27 pm

I see

distant.road 4/6/2016 - 4:07 pm

With a few minor differences, this was essentially my ‘To-Do List’ when things were really dark.

I note an inspirational message on your profile: “I want to carry the light and I want to help people and show them my light..” I hope that your light will shine. There were others, here and IRL, who helped me get through it. If you need to talk, myself and others are here for you.

Nathaniel 4/6/2016 - 4:42 pm

Ah yes, thank you for reminding me that I need to change my about me section.

I wrote that years ago when I had different sentiments regarding my life. After having had certain experiences in the past, I now know that I’m both incapable of possessing what I referred to as “light” (genuine altruism; motivation to educate rather than persecute; an emphasis on compassion and emotional purity) and likewise incapable of instilling this “light” into others.

I understand now that many facets of my character have made me fundamentally flawed, but to a much more extreme extent than most normal people. What these flaws are, I cannot go into further detail about.

saudade07 4/6/2016 - 4:29 pm

a living will and dnr order should be included as well.

Nathaniel 4/6/2016 - 4:43 pm

What is a living will exactly? And a DNR order for that matter? I will surely add these things to my list.

whiskered-fish 4/6/2016 - 4:45 pm

DNR— “Do Not Resuscitate.”

distant.road 4/6/2016 - 4:45 pm

DNR = Do Not Resuscitate.

It directs the medical treatment facility, hospital, etc. to use no artificial means to keep you alive. That’s not the textbook definition of DNR but that’s the general idea of it.

PhantomCitizen43 4/6/2016 - 5:33 pm

Well I have to say you have really thought about this! That is a pretty extensive and well thought out list of not only ending it > but taking care of all the other details as well.

I have heard of people going through very similar steps a few times before.
I hope you dont have to go through with it. I hope somehow you get over or around what is ailing you in life and find a life worth living. I hope your able to move past these feelings and go on to what could be a future where the best years of your life could be waiting.

Good luck.

rocketman 4/6/2016 - 7:13 pm

Nathanie, i like the list however i didn’t see mail a check to Rocketman on there? 🙂

Nathaniel 4/6/2016 - 9:17 pm

Haha, very funny. I’ll make sure to send you a check for a whopping $20. You should be able to buy plenty of snacks with that :p

rocketman 4/6/2016 - 9:23 pm

Nathaniel, Thanks every little bit counts!! 🙂

PhantomCitizen43 4/6/2016 - 7:26 pm

I think I will probably wind up following a very similar list someday.
But I will probably skip the first 6 on the list and just Jump right to
Number 7 and number 8

LOL

fuck the funeral and will and all of that. I’ll be to busy being Dead to have to worry about those things. LOL

Nathaniel 4/6/2016 - 9:18 pm

I can understand similar sentiments. But I’d like for my transition into my plot to be as seamless and insignificant as possible.

iamtheblues 4/7/2016 - 4:51 am

Interesting post. Kind of silly though. Why is it silly? Because in order to kill yourself you don’t need any of those things at all; you simply need a 100% guaranteed method and a willingness to just do it.

While it’s a very mature idea not to want to burden your family financially, but what about burdening them mentally and emotionally? Or even spiritually? Have you thought about that? Finances will be the least of their worries. Money is nothing more than an illusion, it fluctuates daily. One day a gallon of gas is $1.85 and the next day it’s $2.09; it’s not real. But their emotional, spiritual,and mental health is actually a part of them. By killing yourself, you could be killing them. But enough of the pep talk. Let’s look at your list.

1. Figure out the cost of funeral arrangements. (Cremation is cheapest. You can go with just a simple cremation; no wake, no funeral at all, no graveside service, no grave at all. Keep it simple and cheap so as to save your family the financial hassle).

2. Establish such arrangements. (Pick a funeral home; any one, it doesn’t matter. They’re all the same. Go in and talk with the director. Tell him/her that you want a simple cremation with nothing else. Put everything in writing. Your ashes are to be sprinkled in a special place, not buried in a cemetery. Sign and date this paper and have the funeral director notarize it. This way it cannot be changed after your death and your wishes will be carried out to the letter. You can even pre-pay this if you wish. This set-up will cost you less than $2000 at most funeral homes).

3. Configure a will. (Doing this will depends on your wealth. If you’re rich, sure go ahead and have an attorney draft a Last Will & Testament. If you’re not wealthy, don’t even bother with it. Just give the stuff you want to give away to the people you want to give it to).

4. Sell cumbersome belongings. (Why sell anything? Give your belongings away! Salvation Army, the Goodwill, or any other charity will accept such gifts. Or instead of a yard sale / garage sale, just have a giant free sale and give your stuff away to strangers. Doing this feels VERY good).

5. Eradicate all footage and photos of me. (Yeah, I saw what you wrote to Kupo and it made me laugh. Your conceptual self will persist after you die. That cannot be helped. You can only kill yourself, you can’t erase the memory of you from the minds of those who survive your death. And isn’t what you really want Death? What happens after you die is beyond your control. I can understand wanting to totally divorce yourself from human society, but again, what happens in this world after you die is truly beyond your control.

6. Write an explanation of events ~20 pages. (A 20 page suicide note? Wow, that kind of goes against your #5, doesn’t it? Think about it. You want to totally erase yourself and any memory of you, but you want to leave a 20 page suicide note).

7. Commit suicide in an isolated place. (This is the best point on this list, and really, the only one you need to do. The world was fine before you were born and it’ll be will fine after your gone. Nothing will change that. So, you could very well just nix everything else on this list and find yourself that sweet little isolated place and just do it. Which, incidentally, will eliminate your need for #8. Unless…).

8. Success. (Unless you fail and wake up in an ICU / psyche ward surrounded by your family… or worse… you end up as a vegetable, still alive and conscious, but unable to move or even attempt suicide again).

OK, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m just trying to let you know that even though you might feel you’ve thought of everything and covered all your bases, you really haven’t. Why? Because first off, IF you’re really THAT concerned about the family you’re leaving behind, deep down you really don’t want to leave them behind. IF you did, you wouldn’t care about anything except just doing IT and being done with it.

Do you really want to divorce yourself from the entire world? The travel to the coast, cut yourself in a dozen places, and then go for a swim. Swim as far as you can away from the shore. The tide will take you out further and further. Swim until you’re totally exhausted and there’s no possibility of you making it back to the shore. You can drown in peace. And the sharks will take care of the rest. Let the ocean hide you. Let the ocean wash you away from the world.

Nathaniel 4/7/2016 - 12:50 pm

You seem to have many misconceptions here, no doubt, because you know very little about me.

First of all, thank you for somewhat helping me decide what to do. Although I will still put in the legwork to figure out the minor details, you’ve given me decent ballpark estimates to work with.

Secondly, I’m aware of the distress it will cause my family, but I do t really care and a few years after my death–when there’s hardly anything left to remember me by, they will stop caring too–at this point, they too will understand what my worth was. By eradicating all photos and footage of me, it’ll make forgetting me that much easier. Will they completely forget me? No, that’d be impossible. But will they, overtime, remember less and less about me until all they have are a few moments of importance? I think so. Also, the significance of the essay is to answer whatever questions people may have about why I did it. This will be important to remove the guilt that some people may feel once I’m gone.

Lastly, I’d like to say that just because we share different views regarding suicide, doesn’t justify your attempts to ridicule my meticulousness. Obviously, not burdening my family financial, ensuring that no one may feel guilty for my suicide, and perishing from this world as much as I can are important to me–not for you, it would seem. For a website where most of the participants are suicidal, I would think one would be more tactful, but I guess even that is too much to ask for.

tired123 4/7/2016 - 10:49 pm

The thought that they will forget you is utter bull. My brother died over 13 years ago and to this day I still find myself crying and missing him. It never and I mean NEVER goes away (the pain). It softens some at times but it is ALWAYS there.
The few things I have of his I cherish so to take away all pictures and reminders of you is cruel. It will not soften it for them later down the road.
I would give anything to hear his voice, to see him smile, to hug him and tell him I love him. But I cant and I NEVER will be able to again. Time will not change the loss I feel and I will NEVER forget him. I cant express how many things remind me of him everyday. A rainy day, 4th of July, seeing kids having water fights, Halloween, Christmas decorations, I see people walk down the street that look like him and the list goes on and on I think of him EVERY day. It does not go away.
You need to know your family will ALWAYS hold you in their hearts and it will never go away no matter what steps you take.
I hope you change your mind and find a way to hold on.

Nathaniel 4/8/2016 - 4:24 am

I sincerely apologize for your loss. I can’t imagine the kind of pain you must go through everyday.

However, your brother and I aren’t the same person. Although I don’t know your brother, I’m sure he was at least a decent person.

I am not. Although I will not explain what I mean by that here, there are many, many ugly, reprehensible things about me and this is part of why I feel the need to commit suicide in the first place. Within my essay, I will reveal these things. How they will impact what people think of me after I’m dead, I can’t be sure of, but I’m confident that people will understand why it was the right choice. It will be hard for them to come to terms with that fact, but they will eventually get it.

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