The caked up bitterness like fat on a pig

Not everyone understands what its like to not matter. To have never fitted in. Even amongst the mentally ill. To be ugly. Not to feel ugly but to actually be so repulsive that the best you can hope for is for another arrogant thot who doesn’t care about you at all except to pity to boost their own ego all to try to convince you that someone else will as a consellation. Otherwise you have rejection because of your ugliness and anxiety. Not everyone gets what its like to to be in complete mental misery for 3 decades going back to childhood so you have no concept of emotional safety. Not everyone comprehends failing at all your dreams so many times that to count the failures would exhaust my mind. I want to set myself on fire to distract myself for the pain and anger and bitterness and hatred. My posts dont scratch the surface. I work out as often as i can. Hoping to have a heart attack. If I survive maybe I’ll have a tolerable body. Maybe I’ll release some of the pain and anger and frustration. But it comes back. I have pain physical in my neck. Mental pain. I want to die. I’m to incompetent to trust a method or my execution of any method. I want this end. All of this pain. All of this anger the bitterness. The hatred that has molded me. The rage that turns good men cruel, sociopathic. I get more disturbed more bitter more furious. Im mentally regressing. I have moments of clarity, happiness, peace joy. Then they end and the pain comes back. The triggers are so plentiful. So ever present. Getting rid of these emotions is like evaporating the earth. Like walking the earth with broken legs. I dont know how to function. I dont matter ive been here off and on on this site for 5 years. I’ll never live. I’ll die a slow death for another 45 to 50 years. Waiting for nature to end my madness. And hope that im still sane by the time i get there.