I’ve come so far, and have tried too hard to just give up now… But I’m angry, and I’m hurting deep inside too badly… I’m angry because everyone has tried so hard to help me, my therapist, psychiatrist, friends amd family… But no one can seem to rid me of this nightmare… I have tried so many medications just to be let down in the end… I’m angry because the last thing I want to do is give in now… I HATE the fact that I’m even considering suicide; but there is nothing left for me anymore…
I’ve tried to cope their way, and when that failed, I tried my way… But I’m barely clinging on, and knowing that there’s nothing anyone can do for me anymore makes me very sad… I don’t want to die, I want to live, and have a real life, but so long as I’m constanly plagued by either severe depression or caught in the midst of a manic episode or mixed episode, I can’t ever hold down a job or go back to college… I’m completely lost, and hopeless… And my illnesses are left untreated because every medication I have ever tried either helps for a short time and then my body builds up a tolerance, or the medication sends me tail spinning to the emergency room or psych-ward… I have tried the best of the best medications out there, but nothing works; I’ve tried everything humanly possible just to keep holding on to this nightmarish life, for my freinds and family… But I’m just really tired… I’m spent, I have nothing left to give, and this makes me really upset, frustrated and angry… This was not supposed to happen… This isn’t how I planned on dying, by my own hand…
I’m still trying to cling onto what little strength I have left, but It’s fading so quickly… I’m really scared… I refuse to call out for help, no psych-ward can help me, no therapist or psychiatrist can help me… And I just wish so badly that things didn’t have to be like this… I just don’t know what else to do or try to make me feel better… I can’t find relief, I can’t find peace… I’m just so sorry to all the people that I love that I will hurt them all in the end, just so I can self-ishly end my pain…
I wish I was never even born… I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up… I hate this… And I hate myself for choosing this over life… I’m not sure when I will make the final decision, but I can feel it coming soon… I really wish that there was some other way… But there isn’t, and this is as good as my life is going to get… And I choose death over living another minute hurting so badly… The people that I love, who love me back may never understand, and I don’t expect them to… I expect them to feel angry, confused… And if they want to blame anyone for this, then blame me… This was my choice… They did everything they could, and more… I just wish that it had been enough… I’m so sorry…
6 comments
hey,
i read your post. i hope you stay to find a reason to live.
i can relate its hard fighting our nightmare.
Crying for you… and crying for all of us broken souls.
Please wait a bit. I know it’s hard but try talk to somebody. You can talk talk to me c: I’m willing to listen!
I have also tried a lot of medications, and none seem to work for me either.
I am also desperately trying to cling to what little I have left.
I wish I knew how to help, but at least I can honestly say I understand the fight.
I keep looking at your picture, thinking you look a lot like me… so many similarities, right down to the glasses. Same facial shape and downcast gaze. The big difference is my hair is a lot longer.
That is interesting. I was adopted when I was 6 weeks old. It would be even more interesting if you were as well; maybe we could be related.
You are not the only one. Whatever anyone in your life says, it’s your choice to live or die. I respect that. I’m at this point too.