I don’t find life to be unbearably painful as much as I find it to be completely mentally exhausting. At least when I actually try. In order to accomplish much of anything I usually have to fight myself a lot. I’m always fighting either social phobia, or fear of change, or severe self-doubt, or hypersensitivity, or self-hatred. It’s like I’m dragging around a sixty-pound rock of depression and fear everywhere I go.
On my bad days, I often wonder how much longer I want to keep fighting myself. Another year? A few years? Ten years? And why should I keep fighting myself? Five or ten years ago I had big dreams and goals, but now I don’t really have any goals. I’ve realized the goals I had were either too unrealistic given my limitations or I never really wanted them in the first place. I still have some friends and a few hobbies, but often they feel like just brief escapes from the endless slog.
9 comments
im sorry to hear that. … Hug …wanna talk?
Sometimes my goal is simply to make it to the next day and see the sun rise. It’s simple and I go from there. The social phobia, self-doubt, hypersensitivity, and self-hatred I get. Bit is exhausting. A few years ago, it got me in some trouble. So I try to work with the hand I’ve been dealt. Maybe down the road, I’ll work on planning things out for the next several years. Right now, I’m not there.
If you realized the goals were unattainable or unwanted, that’s not a bad thing. You won’t spend countless effort and unneeded stress working on something that wasn’t meant to be. Enjoy the friendships and hobbies that you do have. When the time is right to plan further ahead, you’ll know it.
kupo – Sure. How are you by the way? Seems like you’ve got some awful family situations going on.
distant.road – Thanks.
I know what you mean. I deal with social anxiety, panic attacks, depression, severe fatigue and an entire lack of motivation to do pretty much anything. So I congratule myself when I put on some make up, or when I simply get up at the time the alarm goes off. Yesterday, my sister was encouraging me to send a presentation letter, and in between texts she sends an “i love you, sis”, like she usually does. And I was about to ignore that, as I usually do, but I fought against it and send a simple “love you, too”. She later called my mom, crying, because I never said stuff like that, and she was so happy… My point is, sometimes you gotta keep fighting yourself for those little things. To play a new video game or to make someone smile.
DoubleZero – I get what you’re saying. But for me that’s a really hard way to think. For most of my life, up until the last few years, I was a very high achiever. I also defined myself by my achievements that entire time, which wasn’t healthy. The little things always seemed to be exactly that. Little. Insignificant. Congratulating myself for waking up when the alarm goes off kind of seems like admitting to myself how far I’ve fallen in the past five years. I don’t know, maybe that’s what I need to do. It would be depressing as hell though.
I’m sorry if any of that sounded arrogant.
It’s ok, you don’t need to apologize. I /really/ get you. I was honor student, had tales published at age 12, won Maths Competitions, was the perfect student, the perfect daughter, and now, suddenly (ok, not suddenly), I failed MY LAST EXAM in Law School, for what I am now doing an entire semester. I had managed to had two jobs while studying a few years ago, and now I can’t find ONE.
But it’s ok to accept that we are, in fact, not ok. We are dealing with a bloody tiresome war inside our own heads, so yeah, I know it may be hard, but you should congratulate yourself for every little thing, because it’s not little in your actual state. Having a conversation with a sibling, shopping some groceries, can be exhausting, and locking you in and saying “I can’t do this” can be very easy, but if instead you get up and face LIFE, then hell yeah, I think you deserve some praise.
@ doublezero* clap…clap…clap…….full blow Applause..* I agree hundred percent. Well said
Definitely, well said. I don’t know if I can get myself to believe that though, that I deserve praise for things like that.
I think you need to stop being so hard with yourself. And maybe surround yourself with people that makes you feel good and understand you.
Whenever I’m around some members of my family, for example, I feel pretty worthless. But when I’m on my own, or with people who truly gets me and my illness(es), I feel better. People will always judge without knowing where you come from, what you have fought. But you know your battles. So be proud when you win them. I really think you do deserve it.