Tuesdays Are My Curse

My epic began in the very early hours of Tuesday, January 20th, 2015. My best friend of thirteen years made it 43 minutes into the twentieth day of January before she committed suicide. Journeying back a few months, she and I had a falling out due to her girlfriend. In short, her girlfriend would text me through her phone and convinced me not to be friends anymore. Through that year, I lost every other friend I had. I was dating a guy at the time for over two years but that fell apart. In the end, he told me her death was my fault and all of the people around me wanted to commit suicide in a matter of time. I fell into drugs, I fell into relationships that were abusive, I fell away from my studies and into countless harmful lifestyles. I’ve tried going to counselling; I’ve been to two separate counselors already. Nothing seems to help. Nothing. I ran away from the city we grew up in. I live in an apartment an hour away. If I go back, I can’t bring myself to go to her grave. It used to bring me comfort, now all I can feel is pain. I have shed at least one tear a day for the past four months….I have never felt so alone in my life…as of now, I live with my current boyfriend. But even he can’t help. I love him more than anything, but some days I can’t even bring myself out of bed. I cry in my sleep, in his arms, in the bathroom, shower, class, you name it….I sound so pathetic…Because of the loneliness, the guilt I carry for not being there in her last moments, the anxiety, the unending sadness, and despair my life seems to be stuck in, I’ve tried to commit suicide twice. Yesterday was one of the worst days, yet. Apparently, I now have a stalker. He contacted me over Kik. How? I have no idea. But he knew my name, he knew of my friend, he called me a sadistic *****. I feel like I deserved to die a long time ago. This stalker has pushed me over the edge. I thought I could take all of this. Not well, but I’m alive…I had to stay right beside my boyfriend all of yesterday or else I knew I’d swallow a bottle of pills…I feel the same today. The only difference is I’m left alone. I feel like my life has added up to nothing….my worthless and pathetic existence has stemmed no positive effects on anyone’s life. I wish my boyfriend had never met me. I’ll randomly say I’m sorry to him but when he asks what for, I never tell. Secretly, I’m sorry he met me. I’m sorry I have caused so much harm in his life. I’m sorry I didn’t end my time sooner for him to never have to deal with me. Ever since she died, it feels only bad energy has flowed my way. I have survived 438 days since she became a memory….and it is getting harder to say I will survive to day 439.