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Tuesdays Are My Curse

by SevenQueensFall

My epic began in the very early hours of Tuesday, January 20th, 2015. My best friend of thirteen years made it 43 minutes into the twentieth day of January before she committed suicide. Journeying back a few months, she and I had a falling out due to her girlfriend. In short, her girlfriend would text me through her phone and convinced me not to be friends anymore. Through that year, I lost every other friend I had. I was dating a guy at the time for over two years but that fell apart. In the end, he told me her death was my fault and all of the people around me wanted to commit suicide in a matter of time. I fell into drugs, I fell into relationships that were abusive, I fell away from my studies and into countless harmful lifestyles. I’ve tried going to counselling; I’ve been to two separate counselors already. Nothing seems to help. Nothing. I ran away from the city we grew up in. I live in an apartment an hour away. If I go back, I can’t bring myself to go to her grave. It used to bring me comfort, now all I can feel is pain. I have shed at least one tear a day for the past four months….I have never felt so alone in my life…as of now, I live with my current boyfriend. But even he can’t help. I love him more than anything, but some days I can’t even bring myself out of bed. I cry in my sleep, in his arms, in the bathroom, shower, class, you name it….I sound so pathetic…Because of the loneliness, the guilt I carry for not being there in her last moments, the anxiety, the unending sadness, and despair my life seems to be stuck in, I’ve tried to commit suicide twice. Yesterday was one of the worst days, yet. Apparently, I now have a stalker. He contacted me over Kik. How? I have no idea. But he knew my name, he knew of my friend, he called me a sadistic *****. I feel like I deserved to die a long time ago. This stalker has pushed me over the edge. I thought I could take all of this. Not well, but I’m alive…I had to stay right beside my boyfriend all of yesterday or else I knew I’d swallow a bottle of pills…I feel the same today. The only difference is I’m left alone. I feel like my life has added up to nothing….my worthless and pathetic existence has stemmed no positive effects on anyone’s life. I wish my boyfriend had never met me. I’ll randomly say I’m sorry to him but when he asks what for, I never tell. Secretly, I’m sorry he met me. I’m sorry I have caused so much harm in his life. I’m sorry I didn’t end my time sooner for him to never have to deal with me. Ever since she died, it feels only bad energy has flowed my way. I have survived 438 days since she became a memory….and it is getting harder to say I will survive to day 439.

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Trix 4/2/2016 - 7:44 am

I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer so much all this time. I think it’s completely normal that you feel guilty, but I don’t think you’re responsible for what happened. It’s very clear that she had other sources of pain that led to her death. Please don’t feel like it’s your fault. You’ve suffered more than enough, and you never deserved to go through that. Block the person on Kik (or delete it) – whoever that is is trying to hurt you to make it easier for them to cope with. Maybe they feel guilty too so they’re trying to pin the blame to someone else, or maybe they’re just trying to feel some control because they can’t change what happened. It’s misguided and really, really cruel.

I don’t think you’ve had no positive effects on anyone’s life, or you wouldn’t have been friends for so many years and your boyfriend wouldn’t be with you now. I really, really hope you’re still here to read this, and I hope even a small part of you can believe that you’re not worthless. As well as the guilt you sound severely depressed, so I can understand why counsellors might not be enough to help – I hope you can find more help to get through this. You don’t deserve to feel like this and I hope one day you can feel okay again and be happy. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else, especially after suffering for so long. Sending lots of love your way. (:

SevenQueensFall 4/2/2016 - 12:44 pm

Thank you for those kind words. I feel like I have no positive effects on people. My boyfriend doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. He is my only rock….my only foundation I have left…I don’t know how to make it to the next day but yet I’m here. I used to believe I was worth something. But being through all I have, which I merely scraped the top of all that’s happened since January of 2015, has destroyed any sense of self-worth I possessed. And yes, I am severely depressed. I’ve tried self-medicating, prescribed anti-anxiety pills, exercising, having a “positive outlook”, I’ve even broken down and tried going back to religion, yet nothing I have found helps. I’ve searched and searched for friends, yet no one cares about me. I have tried so many different options, yet when I plead for help, I’m told to try harder…I have nothing left in me. I don’t see a happiness in my future. I don’t think I’ll ever not feel alone again. I am but a hollow shell of what once was. I’m sorry to be such a pity party. I’m sorry if I’ve shot down everything you’ve said or tried making excuses. I just feel life is not for me any longer.

Trix 4/2/2016 - 8:15 pm

You don’t have to be sorry. I completely understand the way you feel, and I know you can’t change it. I just wanted you to know someone believes you didn’t deserve any of the things that happened to you. I really admire everything you’ve done to try to feel better. I’m sorry nothing has helped yet. What happened to you is a huge, huge thing for anyone to try to cope with, and considering the impact it had on you it hasn’t been that long a time since it happened, although it must feel like it when it’s been so painful. I know it feels like you’ve reached the end of what you can do. I still hope you’ll be able to find something that really helps you. I’ve been depressed a long time too and I’m far from being better, but over time I’ve found a couple of close friends and different treatments to try – things I never knew were out there. So I really hope something positive will come your way too. But I know you can’t always know if you can make it through the next hour. Remember SP is always here. (: I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. I hope you find peace somewhere, somehow.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/2/2016 - 10:01 am

I wanted to let you know I read this and my heart goes out to you.

also Trix left a really nice reply that is currently in Moderation, you can approve and read it by going to the comments area.

SevenQueensFall 4/2/2016 - 12:46 pm

Thank you

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