Overall, it wasn’t as bad as my worst. Probably not even in my top five. It was, by all appearances, a fairly normal day. I’ve just been completely consumed by self-reproach and gruesome fantasies for almost the whole of it.
Oh, just the sum of my life’s experiences. Every thing I’ve ever done, said, or thought. As well as every (bad) thing that’s ever been done or said to me.
I want to shed myself like a filthy coat. Be done with myself forever.
I think life will be a bit better than you’re envisioning. At least I very much hope so. Use your teenage years to make a good foundation. Study Study Study. At some point, you’ll have a lot more control over the path you take. That might bring a higher level of being content.
Sometimes a good accomplishment can help with the mindset. I suspect that you’ll show yourself exactly how capable you are.
While these years will always be a part of your history, the stock market has an interesting disclaimer. “Past performance may not guarantee future results.” Just because things are happening now doesn’t mean they’ll always stay the same.
You have a really good point, distant road. And I thank you for your encouragement. I really do appreciate it. But I simply don’t deserve a good future. Or any future, beyond perhaps the very short term.
Everybody deserves a good future. You deserve a good future.
So let’s do a hypothetical. What’s the worst that can happen if you work hard to build a foundation for your future? At best, you’ll become a millionaire and share the wealth. At worst, you’ll be in a similar situation. More seriously, you’ll probably be somewhere in the middle.
In other words, give yourself the opportunity to do well. If you need help doing so, try to get it. It might be worth the risk. You have a good head on your shoulders. It can be an asset.
Hey Kat, what can you do to help ground yourself and feel more stable? Do you write or paint? I apologize for not knowing but there are things you can do to help yourself. I know how easy it is to get stuck. I hope you can find something to bring yourself some peace
I write and draw. But I can’t do either of those during the week. And even if I could write at the moment, all that would come out of me would be a two-hundred page dissertation on all the reasons why I should be messily butchered.
You know how you just pop out. Like one minute your swinging your spatula at the spiders in the wall and then they are gone and you are left silly and feeling a little embarrassed. Not quite naked in front of an audience type naked for like broccoli in teeth in front of cute guy embarrassed.
Yeah. Kind of feel that way. But man so much better. Holy shit what a ride.
Actually, yeah, I do know how that’s like. Especially the embarrassment. One second, you’re plotting the very theatrical overturning of everything and everyone around you, culminating in your dramatic martyrdom. The next second, you’re back down to earth and have no idea why you’re doing what you’re doing or what the heck was running through your head to have put you where you were just a moment ago. I hate that.
Anyway, I’m really relieved that you’re in a much brighter frame of mind tonight, Hazy. That makes me happy.
I forced myself out of the madness. Just pushed and pushed until I thought I was going to break then this morning I just painted and painted. There was one that I was working of all week that I finished. Really dark terrifying one that I’m not posting here. I think I needed to get it out of my system before I could be done with this. I did and for some odd reason I feel like I hit the reset button. Not completely reset but 97% reset. I’ll take it. At least I’m not too paranoid to allow people to comment on my posts and I turned back off my auto reply that I had on my email stating I was out of townnnmind.
Well that’s great. I’m glad that I won’t get to see that painting, because whatever is on it would probably make me piss myself, if it was such an effective catharsis for you.
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It’s a good thing that you had no desire to dash.
Don’t tear. You have a lot of good qualities.
How was today overall?
Overall, it wasn’t as bad as my worst. Probably not even in my top five. It was, by all appearances, a fairly normal day. I’ve just been completely consumed by self-reproach and gruesome fantasies for almost the whole of it.
Sometimes a fairly normal day can be very nice to have. Nothing too extreme on either side of my good/bad scale is something that I can work with.
What is contributing to the reproach?
Oh, just the sum of my life’s experiences. Every thing I’ve ever done, said, or thought. As well as every (bad) thing that’s ever been done or said to me.
I want to shed myself like a filthy coat. Be done with myself forever.
All I know is, this hatred is obsessing me. There’s no room in my head for anything else at all. Foaming at the mouth.
I think life will be a bit better than you’re envisioning. At least I very much hope so. Use your teenage years to make a good foundation. Study Study Study. At some point, you’ll have a lot more control over the path you take. That might bring a higher level of being content.
Sometimes a good accomplishment can help with the mindset. I suspect that you’ll show yourself exactly how capable you are.
While these years will always be a part of your history, the stock market has an interesting disclaimer. “Past performance may not guarantee future results.” Just because things are happening now doesn’t mean they’ll always stay the same.
You have a really good point, distant road. And I thank you for your encouragement. I really do appreciate it. But I simply don’t deserve a good future. Or any future, beyond perhaps the very short term.
Everybody deserves a good future. You deserve a good future.
So let’s do a hypothetical. What’s the worst that can happen if you work hard to build a foundation for your future? At best, you’ll become a millionaire and share the wealth. At worst, you’ll be in a similar situation. More seriously, you’ll probably be somewhere in the middle.
In other words, give yourself the opportunity to do well. If you need help doing so, try to get it. It might be worth the risk. You have a good head on your shoulders. It can be an asset.
Hey Kat, what can you do to help ground yourself and feel more stable? Do you write or paint? I apologize for not knowing but there are things you can do to help yourself. I know how easy it is to get stuck. I hope you can find something to bring yourself some peace
You don’t have to apologize.
I write and draw. But I can’t do either of those during the week. And even if I could write at the moment, all that would come out of me would be a two-hundred page dissertation on all the reasons why I should be messily butchered.
I sent all my voices packing about 5:17 this evening. Adios batshit crazy.
I’m happy for you. Good to see you doing well again.
You know how you just pop out. Like one minute your swinging your spatula at the spiders in the wall and then they are gone and you are left silly and feeling a little embarrassed. Not quite naked in front of an audience type naked for like broccoli in teeth in front of cute guy embarrassed.
Yeah. Kind of feel that way. But man so much better. Holy shit what a ride.
Actually, yeah, I do know how that’s like. Especially the embarrassment. One second, you’re plotting the very theatrical overturning of everything and everyone around you, culminating in your dramatic martyrdom. The next second, you’re back down to earth and have no idea why you’re doing what you’re doing or what the heck was running through your head to have put you where you were just a moment ago. I hate that.
Anyway, I’m really relieved that you’re in a much brighter frame of mind tonight, Hazy. That makes me happy.
I forced myself out of the madness. Just pushed and pushed until I thought I was going to break then this morning I just painted and painted. There was one that I was working of all week that I finished. Really dark terrifying one that I’m not posting here. I think I needed to get it out of my system before I could be done with this. I did and for some odd reason I feel like I hit the reset button. Not completely reset but 97% reset. I’ll take it. At least I’m not too paranoid to allow people to comment on my posts and I turned back off my auto reply that I had on my email stating I was out of townnnmind.
Well that’s great. I’m glad that I won’t get to see that painting, because whatever is on it would probably make me piss myself, if it was such an effective catharsis for you.
Townnnmind. I like that.
Yup. It involves knives and rope wound tightly around someone. Gloriously terrifying. I will not be posting it.