A good song that is. It’s been a while since last I was here. A shit load has happened… I tried to resolve my issues, I’ve tried to resolve that I have to push through life. I refuse to believe this is a fucking disease. The only disease on this planet that doesn’t rot your flesh is humanity itself if I can cut past the idea that I’m talking about you, the reader.
I know I can’t kill myself… not myself anyhow. I’m too much of a coward and all of my attempts have just been those of a coward. So I can’t do that.
Right now I just need a place to ***** without bitching to the people around me, something I resolved to never do again since I made such a fool of myself doing that. Here, I feel free to be a whiny ***** all I want because you all expect it.
I’m trying to keep this brief and separate my thoughts… to get right down to it though, I met a really sweet guy that’s a lot like me and treats me like just the cutest little bunny in the world. Well he’s the first guy I could really call a friend in my life. Everyone else… I either feel like they don’t care about me, or they’re just shadows that have lingered around to fill the rooms of my life with motion and conversation. Can I care about them? Sure. Do I? If I feel like it. They don’t seem to need it so usually I don’t. It feels like having a doll instead of a child, you know? That difference. You push everything onto those shadows and let them soak it in, and they just look at you with blank eyes and a vapid expression. You could probably cut out their frontal lobe and get a more emotional person.
Perhaps that’s why I feel the way I do about most humans… ’till I met this guy I felt like everyone in the world could burn in hellfire and I wouldn’t glance at them twice. But him… I would save the world for him.
But tonight, after our… say… third(?) night of staying up all night talking I realized something and vented for a sec about it but shut myself down to avoid being a whiny *****. That thing I realized is that I don’t want love. Or rather, half of me doesn’t. The other half lives for it. The half that doesn’t is afraid of loss and pain. And I feel like I should resolve to just cut myself off and never be with anyone just to spare myself that. Because, as it stands, I can live. But how long can I keep my sanity if I cut myself off from any potential of happiness? And if I don’t… how long until the constant up and down of love and loss and therefore pain drives me mad? In my mind I know I can never have a lasting love. perhaps that’s self fulfilling but it’s just the way I feel about it. So I’m suck between a rock and a hard place and to just say fuck it and break them both would be about as hard as cutting my own dick off. So to speak.
Ultimately, I feel like no matter what happens… I’m going to snap as soon as the situation is right and let loose on these monkeys around me until they stop my heart. Then what good was it all?
By the by this is that song I mentioned: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei-zY9MbSH4